Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Happiness, Sadness, Pain, and Comfort

I know the title of this post is a little different and adverse, but you will see why. A birth mother's emotions are indescribable and very different than anything else. The only other feeling I can relate it to is when someone you love dies. But even then, it still isn't the same. When someone dies, your heart aches knowing you won't be able to see them again. It feels like you have hit a brick wall and you just want to scream because you miss them so much. With placing a baby, you have the heart ache, definitely, but when you are about to hit that brick wall, you are over come with peace and comfort because your child isn't dead, they aren't gone forever, they are still alive and are going to have the best life possible. Like a deceased person, a birthmother may not be able to hold, see, and kiss their loved one everyday, but there is light knowing that they are going to grow up happy with a whole family!

Wow- that was some introduction!

The first week without Kinley was such a whirlwind of emotions. If the emotions mentioned above weren't bad enough, I'll add I was in pain and tired from giving birth, having stitches, and being up for 48 hours strait! I was getting used to having no baby in me, trying to comprehend what happened and my hormones going wacko didn't help one bit.

We got home from the hospital at about 9 pm and all I wanted to do was fall into bed. I was so emotionally numb. I had just done the hardest thing imaginable and I was still trying to soak it all in. I was tired of crying because that's what I did the whole day. I just wanted to sleep and maybe it would go away. It all felt like such a dream. My sisters spent the night at my house for support and it was so nice- especially since I needed their help going to the bathroom still- hehe.

I woke up the next morning to the sound of a door creaking and I jumped up in bed thinking it was Kinley. But I opened my eyes and there was no baby in a cradle next to me. No baby to be seen in my arms and definitely no baby in my belly. I felt a sort of panic until I remembered I had placed my baby last night. And to that thought, I sobbed and sobbed.

I had so much time to grow this baby and all the resources to read about what exactly I had to expect when I was pregnant and giving birth. You know- morning sickness, labor, and caring for myself after birth. I had it all down like the back of my hand and I was so prepared. But I was no where prepared for what it would be like to have my baby away from me. In a sense it felt like I had her and then she was just taken from my arms and she ripped a chunk of my heart with her. It's the most indescribable feeling. It just happened so fast it seemed and it took a good week to some what catch my breath and figure out what I was feeling.

Even now- 5 months later, the feeling of loss and grief are still real and strong as ever. I always expected to maybe get over the loss and grief stage in a couple months and be able to just jump back into my life like nothing happened. Sort of like an ex boyfriend. But I was so wrong. You never 100% 'get over' your baby. You never forget or jump back into your 'old life'. You can't just pretend it never happened and be 'normal'. When you place a baby- you are placing something that is 100% yours! Kinley is a human being MY human being. She is my flesh and blood, my DNA and biology. There is no way I could just 'get over' her. She will always be there in the back if my mind. She is always in my thoughts. It's amazing how much I love her and would do ANYTHING for her. I will always miss her and feel a part of my heart is missing, but there is comfort knowing that she isn't gone forever.

I heard a quote the other day and it said- 'when you lose your child to adoption, you never quite get over it. You just slowly learn how to go on without them. But always keeping them tucked safely in your heart.'

How accurate and head on that quote is. I will always feel sad and sense of loss for the rest of my life- but I will always feel happy and sense of peace and comfort at the same time.

It sounds like birth moms are bipolar- but it's just a whirlwind of emotions. I never expected to feel this way and I don't think anyone can be 'prepared' for it, but it is what it is.

I felt the need to write this post because the more I have dove into the adoption community, I have learned so many negative views on adoption. I have heard people's opinions that birth mothers abandon their children, birth moms are forever doomed because of depression and trauma, birth moms always get the short end of the stick etc

Maybe I'm not like the rest- but I definitely don't suffer from depression or trauma. I have found my way to vent and heal by blogging and think that if more birth mothers found an out- they too would have a better outlook. I also understand other birth moms have totally different situations, but I want to help represent those who have had a great turnout. I want to help change the negative look on adoption and being a birth mom.

I do believe a lot of the times birth moms may get the 'short end of the stick' but I see it as we don't get the type of respect we deserve. Birth moms give the gift of life and sacrifice their own child to have a better life for all 3 parties and people tend to look past the birth mom, the one who made it all happen and skip right to the adoptive couple. I want to make it clear that adoptive families are amazing and they definitely have a lot of love to welcome a baby into their home and care for it. I just think that Birth Mothers don't get seen in the right light sometimes. A lot of this could be because birth mothers are just recently being heard and adoption is becoming more public. In years past- being a birth mom was unspeakable and and in this day in age, it is more open and the world I feel is a little more accepting. I tell myself all the time that I am so thankful I can be a birth mom in this decade because of the new approach of open adoptions and being open about touchy things like placing your baby.

I'm not even going to touch much on the myth that birthmothers abandon their children because it winds my up in anger and plus- I feel like all my past posts shoots that idea down in a second!

I have kind of gone to China and back with this post but I wanted to inform others. The best way to cure ignorance is to inform right? The best way for people to understand your feelings and situations is to shed some light on the matter. I hope I have informed and answered any questions about being a birthmother! I am so blessed to be one.