Monday, December 2, 2013

My Hero, C

So from the day I came home from the hospital from placing Kinley, I told myself that I wanted to help other birth moms. That was one of the reasons I even started this blog!

I have been able to network with other birth moms through social media and lend help where I can. But last month I was able to do something truly special. 

I'll start from the beginning. There is a couple in my ward who have been trying for kids for a few years but unfortunately were not successful. Having children the "natural" way was just not possible for them. They decided to pursue the adoption rout. They went through the agency I went through (LDS Family Services) and were matched with a birth mom about a year later. On Mother's Day I heard about them being matched and I was so excited for them! I told her if she had any questions about the birth mom side of things I would be totally open to answering any questions. I went to lunch with her and another birth mom friend of mine, Mindy, and we talked all about adoption. It was so fun to share my story, here her journey as a hopeful adoptive mom, and of course Mindy's story. 

Amanda (Adoptive Mamma) told me that their birth mom, C, would be moving here for the remainder of her pregnancy and she would also be delivering her sweet boy in Grand Junction and then moving back to her home in Denver. I was so excited that C was moving here! I was excited to meet her, become friends with her, and my imagination started going of all the fun things we could do together! I was especially excited to share my story with her and lend her a helping hand through her pregnancy! And of course I was excited to see her little baby boy (I love babies)!

When she moved here, we got together for lunch and we became instant friends! C is so funny and sarcastic and just a fun girl! We were best friends immediately. She reminded me a lot of myself. She was so positive and gung-ho about adoption and she stood firm in her difficult decision. We talked about our fears, our goals, how much adoption was amazing! We seriously had a 5 hour lunch! It was wonderful! There were no awkward pauses in the conversations or anything. It was like we were long lost friends. 

This experience has been a bit different. I am such great friends with C, but I am also friends with Amanda. So I am a part of both sides of the adoption relationship. I share grief and empathy with C but I also see how happy Amanda and Steven are with their new son. At times it can be hard, but mostly it is amazing to be able to see both sides! 

So back to the story. 

Like I said before, C reminded me a lot like myself. Our stories are similar, we come from similar upbringings, she went to the same ward I did when I was pregnant, same bishop, same OBGYN even! We were able to get together multiple times while she was pregnant. The closer to her due date, the more worries she had. Which is how I also felt during my pregnancy. The closer to birth, the more reality sets in. I remember we went swimming and we went around the "lazy river" probably 500 times just talking about what it is like post-placement. I had never really talked about those feelings or events since I blogged about them last year, so it was a bit difficult remembering those memories. It was hard, but it was healing. It gave me the chance to reflect on my own journey and also give C some hope and guidance. 

I got a text from Amanda a few weeks later that C had baby Carson! I felt so honored that C wanted me to come visit her in the hospital! I made a CD of songs that have helped me through my journey and wrote her a letter and I made my way to the hospital.

I couldn't believe how nervous I was. I don't know if it was because I was excited to see the baby or because I knew exactly how C was feeling. I was so scared to go into that hospital. The same hospital I gave birth and placed Kinley in a little over a year ago. Other than when my niece was born, I hadn't stepped foot in that building since. To be honest, I was debating on turning around and going back home because the anxiety was so much! But I knew I was being a support and I was doing it for C! She didn't have 50+ visitors like I did, because she was 5 hours away from her home. 



I got up to the room, took a deep breath, and went in. I can't even describe the feeling when I walked in. I was over come by the heaviest feeling of The Spirit. It was so peaceful in the room and I did all I could to choke back the tears. These were happy tears this time. C looked so beautiful. Like you wouldn't have guessed she had just given birth the day before. I gave her her presents and gave her the biggest hug. She was so strong! I held baby, but made sure she had lots of holding time. We visited, laughed about our giving-birth stories, and oohed and awed over how cute Carson was and how much he looked like C! It was also awesome to meet her amazing parents. I sat on her bed with her and told her how much I loved her and how amazing she was. I will always remember her looking at me straight in the eye whispering "Make sure he is ok." I told her "I will. I will tell him stories of his birth mamma and how amazing you are and how I was blessed to know you." I gave her a big hug and I left so that she could rest and get her alone time in with her boy. 


Told you she looked beautiful! And how about the little stud between us?


When I left that room I just started sobbing. Sobbing for C and how amazingly strong she is and sobbing with happiness that my friends will finally get to be parents. C placed the next day and I couldn't help but think about her the whole day. Was she OK? How was she feeling? Did she go through with it? Was she holding up alright? I just wanted to hug her. I was saying little prayers throughout the day to send her comfort and peace.

Being able to be a tiny part of C's journey has helped ME heal more. I'm sure I helped C, but she helped me! I was able to re-visit some emotions that have been locked away for a long time. Seeing her journey from the outside gave me some more peace and reassurance in my own journey that I made the best decision for Kinley. My heart ached for C knowing what she was about to experience, but it gave me a whole new perspective. 

C is one of my heroes. I don't have very many heroes either. She is one of the strongest women I know. She was able to take a not so great situation, and turn it into the most beautiful thing imaginable.  She was able to set her own feelings aside and do what was best for her son. Her strength to overcome trials, with a smile, I might add is inspiring. I don't think I could do that at 17 years old. She is wise beyond her years and she has such a great start to her future. It was a blessing for the both of us that we met and became friends. I am excited to see where her life goes and I'm excited to see Carson grow up in his new family. I hope to be able to have C guest-post for me one day!

C came into town last week for a doctor's appointment so we met up and had some hot chocolate together



Thanks for reading! Until next time.