Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Why I Celebrate Mother's Day and Not Birth Mother's Day

So with it being Mother's Day "season" and for the adoption community, Birth Mother's Day "season," I thought I'd take it upon myself and add in my little two cents.

As usual, take it or leave it.

I actually never even heard of Birth Mother's Day until like a few weeks before it came last year. It sounded really cool, but the more I thought about it and tossed it around in my head, the more I decided it just wasn't a day for me.

I am one to believe that birth mothers ARE real mothers. Yes, we are a "different" kind of mother. We grew and cared for our babies for those 9 months. We love and will do anything for our child(ren). Sure, we don't parent our children but we are a mother to them. We worry about their well being and we want them to succeed. We are mothers! I love the day set aside for the women who sacrificed their bodies, their life, and their time for the well being of their child. I feel I fit into this category too.

I love the idea of a day to recognize birth mothers. It really is an awesome thing. But I feel having it the day before Mother's Day is borderline insulting. They wouldn't have miscarriage awareness day the day before Mother's Day. *No I am not comparing placing a child to a miscarriage. I would NEVER do that. You can't compare two very different pains together- its not fair*. But one thing is the same, we both don't have our babies with us. And it feels like a big slap in the face to feel excluded or devalued. Both types of mothers (a birth mother and a mother who lost her baby to miscarriage) are mothers and they need to be recognized on this wonderful day!

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I think Birth Mother's Day should be in another time of the year- like maybe in November, when it's national adoption month or something like that. I don't like it being right there by Mother's Day as a day to exclude us from real actual holiday. I'm also not saying those who celebrate it are dumb or wrong, they can do whatever they feel is best. There are women out there who LOVE Birth Mother's day and that is great and fabulous. I just won't be celebrating it!

Last year Grant and I went to the Temple on "Birth Mother's Day" and we will do the same this year. Last year Grant gave me flowers for Mother's Day and he will probably do the same!

So, happy Birth Mother's Day to those who celebrate it and happy Mother's Day to every single woman who has grown a child in her belly (even if it were for a short time) or has raised a child!

Let's face it, motherhood is about love!

Thursday, April 3, 2014

I Am So Blessed!


It's true! I really am! Some days I get the urge to just shout it from the roof tops- today is one of those days! I have been feeling the need to blog, but nothing was really coming to mind. I could think of some topics to rant about or share my opinion on some other adoption related things, but I just feel the need to express my gratitude I have towards this whole journey!

Many of you have either experienced first hand or have heard about the struggles and trials that come along with adoption, no matter which part of the triad you are on. But, I think sometimes society and the media gets stuck too much on the negative and doesn't share enough of the positives! So if you are wanting to read a nice long post about the amazing-ness of adoption, then you have come to the right place!

I'm a part of several birth mother/adoption groups and friends with many people who are a part of the "adoption world" and have come to find so much diversity in this small (but huge) community. I hear about birth mothers who don't have the support from their friends and families in their journey and I also hear about open adoptions being closed for selfish reasons. It makes me sad for these amazing women. They are facing unnecessary struggles! But at the same time, it makes me step back and think of all the things I am thankful for in my adoption journey. Two things in particular stand out the most to me that I am oh so grateful for: my immediate family's support and my amazing open adoption!

I couldn't imagine going through this journey without the support of my family! From the day I told my parents and siblings I was pregnant, they were on board with whatever support they could offer! They were there to support me if I chose to parent and also if I chose adoption! Sure, they were disappointed, but always supportive! My parents and siblings weren't just supportive of my choice to place, they have been so open about it also! They aren't afraid to talk about Kinley or refer to her as their grandchild or niece! They consider her part of our family- because she technically is! Some families don't even want to talk about their grandchild or niece/nephew who was placed (which is their choice and totally fine). It gives me a little flutter in my heart when I hear my mom count Kinley as one of her grand daughters! I love talking about Kinley (as you can tell) and it would make things really hard if my family kept her "hush- hush."

I was asked who my biggest support was throughout my pregnancy and placement, and I get a huge smile on my face when I can say my amazing mother was! My sisters were also, but my mom was there for most of it! Not every birth mother can say their family helped them along the way. I am so blessed to have had such big support from my family! I know the adoption didn't just impact me, but also my family. I am so grateful they stood by my side even though it was heartbreaking! This journey has truly brought me closer to my family, especially my dear mother!

Another thing I am so so beyond blessed to have is an amazing beautiful open relationship with not only Kinley, but her parents! I have expressed so much of what Nicole and Toby do to accommodate me in their lives, but honestly its impossible to express how it makes me feel! It is so easy for adoptive parents to say "well, its been long enough, this is too hard, we are closing this adoption," but they have never once said that and I have the faith they will never do that! They are true to their words and they go above and beyond what I could have ever imagined! They are busy raising two young girls and the fact that they think to send me a quick text or picture is just great! Nicole always thinks of the little things and is so good about keeping me updated and involved! It truly is a blessing! I really couldn't have asked for a better situation! Our adoption relationship may not work for others, but I feel it works perfect for us!

Well, now that I got all of that mushy stuff off my chest, I guess I should go to bed! Thanks again for reading my blog! I loving blogging and its the best way for me to heal! Sharing my story over and over again makes the grieving process a little easier and it lets me reflect on all the blessings I have! Adoption has blessed my life in so many ways and I want nothing more than for others to hear about the positive adoption stories and have the positives erase the horrible stereotypes!