Don't ask me why the thought of me being pregnant crossed through my mind. I had only missed my monthly cycle by ONE day! I just had a gut feeling that something was up. My boyfriend (we'll call him birth dad) told me I was crazy and I was just being paranoid. I was so worried-like crying and scared. You should note I'm NOT a big cryer or someone who freaks about things unless it's really serious. I skipped school (I was going to Colorado Mesa University) because I was so worried.
When the birth dad finally had a free minute (it felt like FOREVER) we went to the grocery store and bought some at-home pregnancy tests. I couldn't believe I was buying these things! Like only the girls that no one really knew bought these! Not me! I'm just the girl going to college and who goes to church every Sunday and never has bad things happen to her!
We bought this-what I thought to be- unholy and trashy thing and got the heck out of the store because a part of me felt ashamed. We got back to the birth dad's house and I peed in a cup. Still feeling so weird that I was actually doing this! Only girls from 16 and pregnant do this! I did my business and stuck all 3 tests in at once and waited. I only had to wait about 10 seconds because 'lucky' me- all 3 turned positive! There was no doubt they were positive.
I just stared at them. I looked in the box (as if Ashton Kutcher was gonna pop out and say 'YOU'VE BEEN PUNK'D!!'). I read and re-read the box to make sure the '+' sign really meant positive! The birth dad was waiting outside the bathroom wondering what I was doing. I took a deep breath (holding back tears) and left the bathroom. I just dropped the positive tests in his arms and sat on the couch. We were both silent. I was shaking and my heart was racing!
I couldn't be pregnant! I'm not 'one of THOSE girls'! My parents were going to KILL me! I was going to be thrown out for sure. I was going to be a poor mom taking care of a baby barely making ends meet! I was only working at a restaurant as a hostess and a clothing store. PLUS I wouldn't be able to go to school AND take care of a baby! (there goes my hopes of becoming a psychologist). These thoughts were racing through my head within about 1 minute.
After I kind of got my self together, I called the doctor's office. They didn't see new patients until they were 12 weeks along (and with rough guesses, I was about 4 weeks). That was SO far away but I could wait!
Me and the birth dad just looked at each other and cried. I didn't cry because I was ashamed- because I was scared! I'm was only 18 and graduated high school 6 months ago for crying out loud! I had never lived on my own, I didn't even own my own car, I was not independent enough financially in ANY way! Financial issues were the biggest things that were flowing through my head! But I still told myself that people do it all the time. How hard could it really be? Raising a cute baby could be a great experience, college could wait, lots of girls I know are doing it. These thoughts were running through my head now.
I wiped my tears, stood up strait, and looked the birth dad in the face and said 'I will NEVER be ashamed of this baby, I will NOT try to hide it, I WILL be proud, and WILL own up to it and all the decisions/ consequences that come along.' I never wanted my baby to feel unwanted or a burden.
I had only known for a short time I was pregnant, but I had this over whelming love for it already!
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