Wednesday, July 25, 2012

The Darkest Hours (1st trimester)

I titled this post 'The Darkest Hours' because when I think of the 1st trimester- well I think of probably the darkest time in my life!

I had just found out I was pregnant. I was stressing about what I was going to do with my life at this point. I should add in this side note- I am a planner! I have to have things (especially big events like a baby) planned out, figured out, and plan B's and C's all lined up in advanced. I guess you could say I'm a bit type A in the planning area. And as you can tell- an unexpected pregnancy was definitely NOT in the plan (hence UNEXPECTED)

I was hounding the birth father about getting a new job- our minimum waged jobs would definitely not fit my plan for this baby. I was looking for jobs that I could get being pregnant that paid better than my current 2 jobs. We looked for apartments (I was NOT living with roommates), we were looking for a car for me, also we were scoping out how much baby furniture would be! Oh yeah- we also hurried to the health department to apply for financial aide! (medical bills didn't fit in my plan either)

It seemed like things were going good for a while! To my knowledge the birth dad was pursuing his job hunt- unfortunately he wasn't at all. His excuse was 'we have 9 months- don't worry' WHAT?! Don't worry?! Your talking to Miss. Get everything done and ready NOW!

All in a nut shell- I gave him the choice to get a move on for finding a job or he could kiss me goodbye. Do you blame me? I was starting to have doubts. Our relationship was going so well, but it seemed like it was crumbling after a while. We always talked about getting married and having our own little family. Any girl would just melt to hear her man say that. For whatever reason, I just couldn't see us being a family. It was starting to make me have cold feet about everything (not the baby). To make a long story short- we ended up breaking up.

While all the relationship stress was happening, I had the stress of telling my family! It was so hard to keep this big news a secret. I told my sister, Charnae the news and she just stared at me like I was a ghost. Umm hellooo I'm telling you this news and all you can do is stare at me?! She just said 'ok' (very calmly) I thought she was going to yell at me or tell me something mean! But to my surprise- she gave me a hug and asked me what my plan was.

I told her I was planning on parenting. Applying for whatever financial assistance I could. My plan all made sense in my head. Me and Charnae agreed she would let me and the baby live with her and my brother-in-law, Dayle (once my parents found out- I was going to be thrown out for SURE). Everything sounded good at the time!


I was able to get an early ultra sound at 7 weeks! The birth dad and Charnae came with me


 
I still had this part of me that was sad and gloomy. It wasn't the fact that me and this baby's dad broke up- it was just this numb monotone feeling! Like I felt like a zombie. I was skipping classes because I was behind on homework-which led to skipping MORE classes which ended up to getting MORE behind on homework! Quick reminder- this was all happening around November/December time- so final exams were right around the corner. I just didn't care that I was waisting away thousands of dollars worth of classes. I just felt like a ZOMBIE! I ended up passing 2 of the 4 classes I was taking which consequently put me on academic probation with the University. I would spend my time at the mall and spent probably around $400 on CRAP! I can't even remember what I bought because it was total worthless stuff! Like I said- I was just a zombie- not caring really. You would think I would be saving my money for this baby as part of my plan- but nope, I was spending uncontrollably in hopes of these material things making me happy! (I'd like to say, this method does NOT work)

In this dark hour of spending, being lifeless, sick, and not having talked to the birth father in weeks- I chose adoption. I wasn't praying for help or researching options. It just flashed through my mind. I remember it exactly. I was sitting on my closet (where I find myself doing a lot of thinking) and the thought raced trough my head. I didn't even stop to think about it- I just knew it was what I needed to do. I didn't have an angelic epiphany or anything- I just knew. I had never considered adoption before or even really knew how it all worked but in that split second- that became my plan.

I couldn't just decide on adoption- being a planner and all so I wrote out all the pro's and con's of keeping and placing my baby. When I finished the list, it was almost more selfish of me to keep the baby. We would be poor, it would not have a mom and dad together, etc. I texted Charnae and a few friends my plan and they were on board (as much as they could be).

My whole plan was to tell my parents and the rest of the family around the 12 week mark- which was about January. As time went on- I couldn't keep it a secret! It was killing me (and my bank account) to be so unhappy! Christmas day came around and I was thinking about telling my parents but I didn't want to ruin their Christmas or be thrown out on Christmas of all days! We went to church and the spirit was SO strong that day. The choir sang and I just cried. Not knowing really why (we'll blame the hormones). My dad was surprised I was crying (remember I'm not a cryer). At that moment I knew I HAD to tell them. It was killing me to know I was living in the same house as them and I was keeping this rather LARGE news from them.

I called them into their room to talk. I made Dayle and Charnae come with me because I thought for sure they were going to yell and scream at me! This was probably the scariest time in my life. No girl wants to tell their parents she is pregnant. I stared at them for a while and then started to ball. I confessed to them I was 9 weeks pregnant. There was a long pause. It felt like HOURS! I was cringing- knowing they were going to fume and tear my head off!

They said nothing. They were calm. The look in their eyes weren't angry at all. They were disappointed- yes but not angry! I think I had a heart attack just at the fact that they weren't throwing me out! They asked me what my plan was, details about the pregnancy, etc. I told them at that point I was thinking of adoption. By the end of the conversation, my dad gave me a big hug! A hug?! Not the boot?! That experience was the most surprising but comforting time! I always knew they couldn't hate me or disown me- but it was still reassuring they were so supportive especially at the scariest time in my life when I felt so alone.

For my birthday(in January), Charnae and I flew to Vegas to visit our oldest sister, Jaala. We constituted this trip, not only for my birthday, but to spill the beans to Jaala and my brother-in-law, Harrison. We landed, got home, and got settled into our room and we called Jaala in and told her. Me and Charnae started laughing. Don't ask me why- this wasn't really a laughing time- but that was the only emotion we had I guess. Jaala was shocked (can't blame her). She, like my parents and Charnae, didn't yell or get angry. She asked me what my plan was and once we told her, she seemed reassured it would be ok! The rest of the trip was a blast.
Me and my sisters had so much fun together for my 19th birthday!

The revealing to my other siblings were all about the same. Nothing but support and hugs. I knew that if my family (brothers, sisters, and parents) were supportive, then I could handle this pregnancy. I didn't care what other people thought, only that my family was supportive.

I guess the reason that 3 months felt so dark (other than the fact that winter is literally darker) was because I was so stressed about how my plan would work out. I was a basket case when I had to keep this huge secret from my family, I didn't have their support (yet), and I felt so alone!

My mom and Charnae came with me to my 12 week ultrasound

From the 12 week mark on- I feel like burdens were lifted and things got a lot brighter as far as my new plan went.