A Moment in my Arms, Forever in my Heart: Ready or Not, She's Gonna Come!

About 3 weeks before Kinley was born, I had a bit of a 'freak out'. I had gone to the doctor for s regular appointment and he said I was 100% effaced and 3cm dilated! for those of you who don't know what that means, it means that I could go into labor at any second! At first I was soooo relieved because I was SO ready to be done being pregnant! I was so hot, uncomfortable, I couldn't sleep, and not to mention I felt HUGE! As the week went on- I started to freak out! I needed to pack a hospital bag, make her quilt, make her bows, finish a recordable book I had gotten, finish a journal I was keeping, AND wrap my head around having a freakin baby!! I was so overwhelmed and was panicking for a while!

I was also so overwhelmed and stressed about the adoptions. Reality was setting in and I didn't know if I could go through with the whole placement. I knew that this was what I needed to do, but I didn't know if I WANTED to! I was thinking of the worst and making up the worst case scenarios in my head! What if I get so depressed? What if I go crazy? I'm going to miss her so much and not be able to bare it! I'm going to be so sad forever and not move on with my life. I had such a hard time for about a week! I was up all nights worrying and stressing about what I was going to be like when this all was over. I tried to record the recordable book, but I couldn't even get through half of a page without balling my eyes out! I was wondering if adoption was really what I was supposed to do or if Heavenly Father was trying to tell me other wise.

I went to my appointment with Chelsea and just cried and cried and cried! Se told me that all my options were still open. I told her I was worried I'd end up in that dark place like I had been in at winter time. We talked about my fears, worries, and stresses! We wrote them down, came up with a plan as to how I would deal with the post-adoption blues. It helped a lot! I was still scared, but at least I had a plan. (remember- I'm a planner).

I felt a little better after talking with Chelsea, but I still had the scared feeling. I asked my dad and bishop to give me a blessing. My sister, Jaala and her husband, Harrison were in town so we did it that day so that my dad, bishop, Dayle, and Harrison could give me a blessing. My dad blessed that I would know what was right and that I could be comforted in my time of struggle. He asked that God would watch over me and help me know what needed to be done. From that day on- I felt so much at peace!

I got all the things done that I needed to and finally felt ready-well as ready as you can feel about child birth! I felt this kind of peace and reassurance that I was just READY for Kinley to come! Because frankly, ready or not, babies DO come!