I was so excited about Easter this year because I have such a strong love for Jesus and I was wanting to write this post on the actual day, but I just couldn't think of what to write. I have so much to say about Easter and how it relates to me, but I just couldn't get the passion to write about anything that would impact anyone or anything. I didn't want to write a boring post and the only experience I could think of being so moved by The Lord, was something I had already written about. I think Heavenly Father has a sick sense of humor sometimes and took this as a challenge. I, like most people, sometimes forget to pray and read my scriptures, especially when life is going so well. I was having such a great spring break and I felt on top of the world, i kind of put my scripture reading aside and would fall asleep and forget to say my personal prayers.
By the end of the night on sunday, I was just having a really hard time with the adoption. I was missing Kinley so terribly and I was already stressed about school because I'm not having such a great semester. I had one of those "sneak attacks" like I have explained before, where I will be great and then have a wave of grief. I had the WOST low I have ever had since placement. I felt like I was in a black hole this whole week. I skipped school all week, taking NyQuill to sleep because I would just stay awake at night stressing and worrying about Kinley, I had nightmares every night, the list goes on, This week has been the worst week ever. I had this false thought in my head that I was being shut out of my adoption, I was even feeling regret about the whole adoption, I was doubting Toby and Nicole's promise to love my baby and keep the adoption agreement, I wanted to delete my blog and quit advocating adoption all together because I didn't want anyone to feel like I did and I was starting to think thoughts like all of those "angry birth mothers". I just couldn't understand why Heavenly Father was putting me through all of this. I had such an AMAZING confirmation about adoption and that I did the best thing, why was I feeling I did the wrong thing? I just wanted my baby back and I wished I never placed her. I would just sit in my bed in the dark and cry and sob and cry and cry and cry. My husband tried to help as much as he could (bless his heart) but I would just push him away and not want to talk about it. I would tell him I made a mistake placing Kinley. I just wanted my baby back. Other birth moms tried to help and tell me that they had been through the same things and they went through fazes where they felt the same way and that things DO get better. I just couldn't believe them. Part of me was thinking "Laura, quit thinking these thoughts, you are out of control" but the other part of me just couldn't see the big picture. I felt to stuck and I just wanted out. Not in a suicidal way, but I just could not see any happy or optimistic way in anything. I had horrible dreams about having another baby that I was forced out of my free will into it placing for adoption I also had dreams of having a baby and wanting to trade it for Kinley. Grant said I would scream in my sleep and I would also wake up crying. I just couldn't escape.
My sister, Jaala, finally got a hold of me and told me everything was going to be alright. I can't even remember exactly what she said, other than the fact that she calmed me down and brought me back into reality. She suggested I call my case worker, Chelsea, and schedule a counseling session to just express my feelings. I didn't want to talk to anyone because my mind was set that there was no being happy about anything. after talking to her for a while, I decided I would send her a text. I sent it and then decided to go for a long run with our puppy. I ran until my body couldn't go any farther and until I had some what of a clear mind. I noticed I received a text message while I was running so when I got to a stopping point, I read it and i seriously felt like my whole world just dropped. LDS Family Services doesn't provide services in Grand Junction anymore and so Chelsea isn't legally allowed to give me council anymore. I literally fell to the ground sobbing. I built up enough courage to ask for help and I couldn't even receive any. I fell to my knees, dog leash in hand, in the middle of a park and just yelled "What do you want from me?" I thought I had things under control, but it all fell to pieces AGAIN! I prayed and prayed, I don't even know if anyone walked by (what a sight that would be to see) I just asked Heavenly Father for help and and told him I couldn't do it on my own anymore. When I got the strength to get back up, I read the rest of the text and Chelsea had called the LDSFS director in Denver and left him a message to call me back. I was so grateful she did that for me, especially since I don't think I would have gotten the courage again to call him.
As I walked back home, I felt such an overwhelming peace in my mind. That peace and comfort I had been lacking all week. It felt like the sun was coming out of the storm clouds and I felt the warmth of The Savior. I got home and opened up LDS.org and searched for some talks and videos that would help me out. I came across a Mormon Message video that I had seen before, but it never really effected until that day.
I love everything about this video, and I think that those of you who aren't LDS can pull something from this little video. After watching that sweet message, I was finally able to get rid of all of those negative feelings and finally be able to find some optimism and see everything in a bigger picture. All the feelings of regret, being shut out, and being the victim left and I was reminded of why everything was the way it is.
Yes- adoption is hard. It's still hard almost a year later. And I'm sure these emotions of grief will come fresh and real as ever again multiple times throughout my life. I just always have to remember that Heavenly Father and Jesus are here with open arms if we just pray.
So why am I telling you this story in my Easter post? Because it ALL ties into the atonement. Jesus suffered in the garden and hung on the cross for us. He sacrificed everything so that I don't have to suffer through this grief and pain. The Lord knows exactly how I feel. He has felt the feelings of grief, loss, emotional pain, everything. And that is why he suffered, so we don't. He did that so I wouldn't feel alone in my journey. So everyone won't feel alone in their own personal struggles as well. All we have to do is be willing to take our burdens off of our shoulders and lay them down for Him. He has made the promise to take our hurts away if we follow and believe in him. This whole week I could have felt the light, if I just knelt down and prayed and let him lift those 'bricks' from my back.
I don't know why I do that- try and do it on my own, I mean. I guess it's because I'm very stubborn and I always want to do things on my own. But in all reality, there are some things in life we can not do on our own. And this adoption journey is one of them. Without the atonement, I'd be trying to do this all on my own. What a great gift we all have on this earth.
And so, my struggle to get a post written really turned into a lesson. Apparently I was due for a little reprimand from the heavens to remember to always turn to The Lord in time of darkness. It just shows that if we slack on keeping our spiritual lives up, the adversary has a way at weaseling in and making us feel like nothing. Satan isn't always the classic devil on the shoulder telling you to steal the candy bar or to hit your brother we learn when we are little kids. He has a way of getting into your emotions and making you feel like you are worthless and there is no light or way out.
I'm so thankful for the atonement in my life. And I'm also very grateful for knowing and learning about it since I was a little girl. Although I would never wish this kind of pain on anyone and it isn't my first choice of a trial I'd want in my life, I'm grateful for The Savior's sacrifice for me to be able to bare it.
And this is why I love Easter so much. It reminds me of how much I have in my life and reminds me just how much our Savior loves us!