Why I'm Choosing to be Happy

So I've been a huge brat lately and I'll be the first to admit it! As a birth mother, still in the grieving/ healing process, it is really easy to play the "victim card" and kind of think the world is against you. And sadly, I was caught in that for a short time. I found myself over thinking things (yet again) with Nicole and Toby and just thinking people were being insensitive towards me. I mean COME ON I'm a birth mom - all should obsess over my sacrifice and I deserve a pat on the back every chance I get right? WRONG!!!

I read an amazing blog post written by another birth mom who is a big adoption advocate. I was able to meet her in person last month and I just adore her! You have probably heard of her also and adore her just as much- if not- you should! Anyways, her name is Ashley Mitchell and in her blog post titled, Victim of Adoption?, she does an amazing job at explaining her opinion of how birth moms should handle these kinds of situations. My post today is going to expand what I took from the second section she wrote about being the victim of the adoptive parents.

When I first read this part, to be honest it kind of hit me a weird way, probably because it totally opened my mind up to another aspect I never even thought of. As my birth mom journey progresses on, I have always known that visits with Kinley would become farther apart. Especially since Grant and I are married, we are our own family, just like Nicole, Toby, Taylee, and Kinley are all their own family. I know I have said multiple time that we are like a family, but that's just it- we are LIKE a family. Anyways- I always knew that there would come a time when there was a natural separation that would happen as time went on and the C family and I took our "separate ways." I don't mean this in a way that we never talk to each other again and we walk away from each  other, I mean it as we each have lives to live and there comes a time when we move on from the "new-placement" stage and live our lives and be productive and contribute back to life. Although adoption will forever be a part our lives, we don't have to dwell on it all the time. Anyways- after all the excitement wore off of Kinley's first birthday, we talked about her 2nd year. We decided visits would be a few more months in between. Me, being a brat, took it as a sign they wanted distance from me- which is true- but not in the way I was over thinking. Of course there needs to be distance- to have a healthy relationship with ANYONE you need some distance. But I made the mistake and pulled the "victim card."

Sometimes I think that I am entitled to things when it comes to Kinley and get upset if things don't go the way I imagined. But I love how Ashley says the adoptive parents don't owe us (birth moms) anything. It's so true- yeah I gave them a child- but that doesn't mean they are forever indebted to me. All I should expect is respect, but not because I'm a birth mom- because I am a person. the same respect I give the cashier at the grocery store or the guy walking down the street. And I want to make it clear that I 100% get this respect from them- I don't want to make it sound like I don't.

Like I said before, there is a natural separation that occurs every once in a while. This happened a few days before Kinley was born- I knew in my heart that I wasn't going to parent her, and I set up emotional-barriers to protect myself from unhealthy bonding. I love her no doubt, but I was preparing to love her in a different way than the typical expectant-mother. I also had this natural separation a few moments before I placed Kinley in her new mommy and daddy's arms. There was a part of me that just knew and felt it was time to place her. This natural separation occurred when Kinley was about 3 months old. It was the first time reality actually set in that I was not and never would be Kinley's parent. This natural separation happened again when Kinley turned 10 months old and I again detached part of my heart and realized I indeed would not be celebrating Mother's Day as a "normal" mom. And here we are at Kinley's almost 15 month mile stone and the natural separation is happening again. I am realizing that our lives are going on and time can't stand still. I don't want these separations to sound so sad and horrible, but they are hard realizations; but key to healing. When you are stubborn and hard-headed like me, you don't take these changes very well, and you try to find ways to blame others. In my case, there is no one to blame, no one.

I guess the whole point of this post is to let the world know, I AM CHOOSING TO BE HAPPY. I am choosing to embrace these changes and separations and I'm choosing to deal with them in a healthier way than playing "victim." I refuse to get hung up over stupid things and I refuse to neglect my own family and worry about Kinley's. She is taken care of- I know that- but I always still worry- can you blame me? I love her. Ashley talks about taking the "Guest star roll." I like how she puts that. When I was pregnant yes- maybe I was the "star roll"- but that was because Kinley (the actual star roll) was inside me. Choosing to place and be a birth mom means that I put Kinley first and I step aside. Which is harder said than done.  I feel like I never officially stepped down; until now and I have accepted that.

Instead of expecting the world and then some from Nicole and Toby, which is what I often find myself doing, I have decided to step back and let things happen on their own in their own timing. If you force things, chances are they aren't going to work out the way you wanted them to and usually you get your feelings hurt. Which is what happens when I force things with my adoption. Again- I'm not blaming the C family for being mean or anything- they don't know what I want. I'm just choosing to step back and be thankful for what I am given. Instead of being grumpy that an email was a few days or weeks late, I'm going to be grateful I got one- not all birth moms even get one email in a whole year. Instead of complaining I only get to see Kinley 3 times a year- I'm going to be so thankful her parents allow me to be in their lives allow me to see them! In the grand scheme of things- I am a very fortunate birth mom. I get to be involved in Kinley's life, I have some input on things, and I am aware of events in her life. I recently ordered prints of every single picture I own of Kinley and I put them in a photo album. One of the reasons was on case my computer or phone memory crashed, I would have hard-copies of them, but also to have an easy way to flip though pictures of my girl! Anyways- as I was going through all of these pictures I couldn't help but cry! Not because I miss her, but because I am so incredibly blessed to have more than 500 pictures of Kinley. In all stages of her life! It was at that moment that I wanted to slap myself and wash my mouth out with soap because how could I take all of that for granted? Sure, I don't get an email at exactly every week or month, but who cares? At least I get one!

So in conclusion, I'm going to put my "victim card" away- toss it in the fire actually- and put my big-girl panties on and start acting like a responsible woman. I am in charge of my feelings and only me. Starting today- I am stepping back from what I can't, and most importantly CHOSE not to be apart of, and I'm going to start focusing on my life I am in right now. I have waisted so much precious time when I could have maybe given my husband some un-divided attention or maybe helped out another person in need. My pretty girl is taken care if- her needs are being met- and I can't be more happy for that! Is it hard taking the "guest star" roll? oh yes- but is it necessary? Absolutely.

Until next time.

One Year Older and Wiser too

Well guys- I survived my first year of being a birth mom. I'm here with all limbs and sanity still accounted for. I lost a few friends along the way, but I survived! It's so bitter sweet to think this time last year I was getting back on my feet after placing Kinley. It was the beginning of this journey and I didn't know what I was headed for. Like I said in my last blog- I'm sure glad I was chosen to be the one to take this journey because of all the lessons I've learned! I've come so far in this short year and when I compare myself to last year, I can't help but cry happy tears at how far I've come and all that I have over come.

Grant and I were able to travel down to see Kinley! It was such a great weekend! We never really get to spend a lot of time together, just us, because of work and other things life needs us for, so it was fun to spend 5 days interrupted together. We got to Utah a few days before our visit, so we got to do some hiking, swimming, and just relaxing. On the 4th, I ran a 5k race I have been training for, and it was so much fun! It felt good to accomplish this goal I set!

Kinley's party was the day before her actual birthday. It was at her grandparent's home. I am so grateful, they opened up their home to us to celebrate with them. Im not really sure if I have mentioned this before, but my favorite animal is an elephant. I usually make it a point to send Kinley any and all elephant things I find! I have an eye for elephants and I can spot elephants at almost any store. Anyways- Nicole knows this and she was so thoughtful to incorporate elephants as the theme of her party. The invitations had a big elephant on them, Kinley's cake was an elephant, there were elephant cookies, etc. I was in heaven! It also made me feel so good that Nicole thought of me when doing it all.

When we got to their house, Kinley was still sleeping so Nicole went up to wake her. I was soooo excited to see her! I woke up at like 6:30 am because I couldn't sleep!! When she brought her down- My heart melted! I hadn't seen her in so long- except in pictures- and she had grown so much! I almost didn't recognize her. I gave her the biggest hug and kiss. At first, she wasn't sure about me. It was like she knew I was a good person, but she wasn't sure why she liked me. after about 10 or so minutes, she warmed up and was fine. Grant says she knew who I was. I bought her an outfit and Nicole let it be her party dress. I know it's a small gesture, but it meant so much to me. She was kind of confused that I dressed her and was like "wait- why is this girl dressing me? I thought only mommy and daddy dressed me".

everyone got there, we ate and Nicole let me feed Kinley. It was so fun and she thought it was hilarious when I made airplane noises as I spooned her bananas.

She opened presents and Nicole invited me to sit up with them and help her open them. Again- something so small, but it meant a lot to me. It was fun to see her amazed at all the tissue paper and bows. And she got so excited over the toys and fun things she got.

Then she ate her cake. When we sang to her, she was a little confused why everyone was looking at her and singing, but when we sang "happy birthday, dear Kinley" she got a big smile on her face and giggled because we said her name. It was so cute. Nicole put her big cake in front of her and she didn't hesitate to dig right in. It was so funny that she was just going to town on it. She didn't want to eat it, she just wanted to throw it round and make a big mess! It got all in her hair and her bow and she even managed to fling it on some people who were standing close.

We went swimming after and I got to play with Kinley in the pool and watch her play and have fun. It was so fun to watch her interact with her cousins, aunts, uncles, and grandparents. She is such a loved little girl and her family is so wonderful.

The best part of her party was when I sat her up on my lap and I said "Kinley, say La La" she looked at my mouth and studied it really hard and then said "La La" it was so cool!! She giggled like "yep- I'm awesome" My heart was so full and happy. I'm sure she had no idea she made my day- but she did.

It was so fun to see Kinley's personality. She is such a happy baby. She never really cried unless she was tired or she got hurt! The last time I saw her, she was just barely army crawling, and now she is walking EVERYWHERE! she is also saying words! She says mommy, daddy, Taylee, Papa, uh oh, baby (which is her favorite word), and now La La. Everything is a baby. She points at animals and says "baby", she points to her doll and says "baby", and she points to pictures of her and says "baby" it's so cute! She kept taking my phone and pointing to the picture of her and saying "baby". It's so crazy how big and smart my pretty girl has gotten!

The next day- the 7th- was her actual birthday. We went to church with them and then went over to their house again and just hung out and visited. My mom, sister Charnae, her daughter Camille, and my other sister, Audrey drove down that morning and met up with us to see Kinley. I was so excited because Charnae hand't seen Kinley since she was born- and Camille was still in her tummy when Kinley was born- so they got to meet (and of course Kinley was calling Camille baby).

At her party, I gave Kinley fun little presents like toys and clothes, but on her actual birthday, I gave her some more sentimental gifts. I put together a photo album of pictures of me from the time I was born, until the time I gave birth (I looked through it with her, and- you guessed it- she said "baby" at every picture), I had my friends, who came and visited us in the hospital, write little letters to Kinley about what they remember about her, I got her the matching bracelet to my necklace- it says "forever in my heart" and has a charm that says "Laura", and then I got her a recordable book called "Wherever you are my love will follow", I also got her a blanket and my mom embroidered her name on it- I got her one when she was born also- so now she has a new one.

she's checkin out her bracelet

The rest of the time we just visited and played! My sister has a little squeaky giraffe toy for Camille and Kinley thought it was so funny! She played with it almost the whole time and just walked around laughing and had the biggest grin!

snuggles

I love her smile!

my mom and Kinley 

Audrey feeding her her water

playing with her

playing with her car with one finger

Well I'm done with the picture over load! When we left, my mom taught Kinley how to blow a kiss. I have a video of it- but it wont upload- so maybe later I will figure it out. She gave me a kiss goodbye and waved! I had such an awesome visit with her! I am so blessed to have such a great open adoption. I couldn't have asked for better parents for my baby girl. They love her as their own- and I can tell they are raising her to be the best little girl. It was so fun to see her personality and to interact with her. She is such a sweet girl and I think deep down- she knows what all is going on and feels the love from both her adoptive family and her birth family. I don't want to sound arrogant when I say this, but I truly feel that Kinley feels the bond that we have. Even though she is still so young- I feel like she knows who I am and she can feel my love. It's so heart-warming to see that all I have done to make sure she knows I lover her show! She is so loved and she has the life I always imagined my children to have- maybe not the same circumstances- but she has all the love and all the things she needs.

I was worried I would feel sad on her birthday- because it also marks when I kissed her goodbye- but instead I was overwhelmed with love and amazement at the person I created! I did, however, have a hard time on the 9th. That was her placement day. All the emotions were so real. I felt like I was back in the hospital with a broken heart. I had so much support from my family and friends though. I was able to bounce back and my day was better. It's amazing how fast I am able to bounce back after having my "moments". I have finally gotten the hang of knowing what to do to cope.

I wrote this on my Facebook page and I wanted to share it on here:

"Today marks strength and weakness. Today marks true love. 

Today marks heart break and healing. Today marks new beginnings and fresh starts. 

Today marks trust and hope. Today marks the day I gave my pretty girl a whole family, the best life, and the resources to grow. 

Today marks the hardest day of my life- and the hardest journey that has shaped who I am entirely. 

I wouldn't wish this upon anyone- but I am truly thankful Heavenly Father chose me. 

Today is hard- but we can do hard things."

So here is to another year of being a birth mom! I have gone through all my "firsts" so I'm ready to see what is in store for the 2nd year! until next time! 

What My Adoption Journey Has Taught Me: The First Year

Although, I have only been at this whole adoption journey for a year, there has been so much I have learned! I, first of all, can't believe it will be a year on Sunday that I gave birth to the most amazing little girl! Time has flown, but it also has stood still! I wanted to write this blog because I often find myself reflecting on the changed person I have become in this eventful year and I wanted to write them all down in one place!

Although, I would never want to do this whole adoption over again or wish it upon someone, I am so thankful to my Heavenly Father I was the chosen one to do the job. My life has changed in almost every aspect because of this, and I truly feel, it has saved my life. So I guess I'll start listing all of the things I've learned this past year:

1. How to trust

From the very beginning of my pregnancy, I had to learn to trust in The Lord. I was in the darkest part of my life, and I had nowhere else to turn than to my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. I have learned to trust in Him that if I do what I'm supposed to, I will be blessed and things will work out. So many times I didn't know if I was doing the right thing (choosing adoption) because I was so scared and I wasn't sure how I was going to go through with it. But had to trust The Lord that he would help me along the way. I still to this day, underestimate this sometimes, but I've never been let down.

Another aspect of trust I've learned, is the people in my earthly life I have learned to trust. My family is one. I have grown so close to my parents and siblings through this journey. I've learned no matter what mistakes I've made, they are going to be there to support me every step of the way. I've also discovered which friends I have that I can count on. People i least expected to be by my side through this year have shown me what real friends are. Along with learning who to trust, I've also, unfortunately, have had to learn who not to trust. When hard times come, people's true colors show, and I have sadly had to witness people fade out of my life.

2. How to love

The moment I found out I was pregnant, I had a sense of what "A Mother's Love" is. As my pregnancy went on, I created the most amazing bond with Kinley that is like no other. And when she was born, the most powerful sense of love flooded my heart and body! I had never loved something so much as that 6 pound baby. Nothing can compare to what that little girl does to my heart. I always wondered what true love was, and Kinley proved it to me int he first second she was born. When I was dating Grant, I knew I had fallen in love with him, because a lot of the same feelings I had when Kinley was born, I had with Grant. Grant and I share a different love than Kinley and I, but Kinley taught me what true love feels like, and in turn, I was able to know when I was truly in love with Grant.

3. How to look at the big picture

When I became pregnant, was the start of this. I was now taking care of another person, so I had to think before I did anything. Choosing adoption, in itself, was looking at the big picture. I had to set all my emotions to the side, and think about what was best for my little peanut.
every time I had melt downs, I would always remember why I was doing adoption. Even in the hospital, when I didm't want to say goodbye, I had to tell myself "This is for her, not me.". If it were all for me, I would have parented her, but Kinley was more important than me, at the time.

Even still now I have to look at the big picture. Whenever my mind starts wondering off and thinking what if- I have to bring myself back to home- plate and remember I did everything for Kinley. All of my decisions are based off of if Kinley would be proud of me. She is always that little voice on my shoulder.

4. How to express myself

Before this whole journey, I was very good at hiding my feelings and keeping them bottled inside for no one to know. And when I would share them, I didn't really know how to express them the way I wanted. When I was pregnant, I started going to counseling. I was able to learn how to express my feelings and not be afraid of admitting them. It had helped me so much because I don't feel like I get trampled on as easy and I am able to resolve things. I have even started this blog, which I never would have imagined a few years ago! It's such a new thing for me to spill my heart out to my computer, but I find it so therapeutic.

Even with Nicole and Toby, I have had to learn to express my feelings to them, and for them the same i'm sure with me.

5. How to be a friend

I've never really had a tragic thing happen to me where I've needed my friends or support until now. I've really learned how to be a friend from my friends' examples. They have shown me that you don't need to have all the answers to give good advice, you just need an open ear and their best interest at heart. My friends have stepped up to the plate and have taught me how to be a friend.

6. How to be open minded

Being a teen mom, pregnant out of wed-lock, AND choosing adoption are all things against "the norm". Being the one in the situation really opened my mind that ANY one can fall into this. I wouldn't say I was mean to the girls in my high school who were pregnant, but I didn't really lend out a hand either. I always thought they chose to be pregnant and they wanted to be teen mothers. Falling a "victim" of this, I totally dropped all stereotypes I ever had concerning pregnancy and adoption. I am proud to say I don't judge people as harshly as I used to. I try to imagine their life situations before making any judgments, and I feel like I have been a lot more open to learning about others' situations.

Even in the adoption world, there are different kinds of scenarios. With getting my hands wet in the birth mom support area, I have learned to even have an open mind with other birth mothers. We all come from different back grounds and situations, and we all made our decisions based on different things, but with all the same best interest in mind; our babies.

7. How to be patient

I would not consider myself patient by any means. I'm the type of person who wants things now and I don't want to wait. I learned I had to be patient in waiting for my due date. I had to be patient in finding Kinley's adoptive family. I also had to be patient in The Lord's timing. I still have the tendency to want to rush things, but I think I've come a long way. Heavenly Father has a tie frame for things and I've had to learn to let go and let God. And again-  I have never been let down by waiting for things.

8. How to be a mother

This last one is so dear to me. I get told all the time that I'm not a mother. But- I AM a mother! I am and will always be Kinley's first mother. I may not be her parent, but I am her mother. Even though I may not parent Kinley or see her everyday, doesn't mean those "motherly instincts" turned off. I still always have her best interest on mind. I think so much differently and I credit Kinley for that (all in good ways of course). I don't consider myself a typical 20 year old. I don't find partying appealing. I don't really care if I'm watching the right shows or going to the coolest concerts. My whole mind-set has totally altered. I think about what kind of mother I want to be when it's my turn. I think of all the things I can do for Miss Kinley. From this experience, I have been taught a lot of the things I find are important to be a "real" mother some day. It makes me more and more excited to be a parent.


This is all I could think of. There are probably so many more things I could list, but these are the ones I find the most prominent. This year has changed my life; for the better of course. I have grown into a strong woman (brag time;)) and I couldn't have done it without my friends, family, and of course, Heavenly Father. I know that I am so new to this process, but I feel I have mastered a small portion of being a birth mom. Knowing I have my whole life left of this, both scares me but also excites me. It's scary to know I will be carrying this grief with me, but it excites me to be able to learn more things to add to my list. This has been a roller coaster year: I placed Kinley, moved to Vegas, got engaged, moved back to Colorado, got married, we've added a dog and a cat to our little family, and all the other things life throws at us. It's been crazy, but I wouldn't change one thing!

Thank you all- friends and strangers- for reading my blog. I have gotten so many inspiring comments and it makes me more and more excited to blog! Stay tuned for an update for Kinley's birthday! Have a wonderful and safe 4th of July- and for those of you in other countries- have a fun and safe weekend!

Birth Mom Support

I have been in the mood to blog the past few weeks, but I haven't anything to really talk about. I decided to write this post about my birth mom support page I created back in November.

I am part of a support group on FaceBook and I love being able to ask other birth moms adoption question and to vent about birth mom related problems. It's been so amazing, all the women I have met and became virtual friends with. The only thing was that I don't use FaceBook all that much. I use Instagram like a crazy maniac though. And I searched far and wide for a support group there. Without any luck, I decided to create one of my own. Instagram is a social media site for smart phone and tablet users to post pictures and pictures only. It's sort of like Twitter- but for only pictures. I LOVE taking pictures and it's a fun way to interact with people. Anyways- I created this page- hoping to help other birthmothers by posting inspirational quotes and re-posting other birth mom's pics that wanted them shared.

I absolutely enjoy running this page. I have found it has helped me more than anything. It's so cool; the many birth moms I have met and a few I have become so close with. The page has received over 300 followers and it has been a real success. I love logging in and seeing other birth moms' posts, comments, and journeys. It has really opened my eyes to other birth moms' points of views also. It's amazing that we all come from different situations; some of us have the support from the birth dads, some of us don't, some have no family support, some do, some placed 20 years ago, some placed 20 days ago. It's just a sweet place to go and join together as a "birth mom community". I love my birth mom friends. Even though I have never met most of them in person, I love them and consider them my best friends. We are all quick to surround each other with love and support and offer advice and experience in situations. Ah- I just can't say enough great stuff about this page! It's awesome to see followers who are adoptive parents or adoptees who comment with their gratitude for the page. It's also great to hear positive things from people who just happened to stumble upon the page.

Enough about the page- here is a link! come visit and follow:) even if you aren't apart of the "adoption community".


Something else that is kind of off subject, but related, is that a dear friend of mine and her husband have been trying to adopt for a while and were matched with a birth mom a few months ago. Their birth mom is moving here for pregnancy and birth! I am so excited to meet her next week and show her some birth mom support! I went to lunch with my friend and my other birth mom friend today and we talked all about adoption and it was so fun! We talked for a good 2 1/2 hours! I love them and I am so excited to meet this new birth mom!


Well that is all for this post! Next post will be so exciting! Kinley turns ONE in 3 weeks!!! I know- I can't believe it! I will have pictures and post up as soon as possible! Grant and I will be traveling to be a part of her birthday party! I am so blessed and grateful to be able to be involved! have a great weekend and happy Father's Day to all you daddies on Sunday! :)

Could I Have Done More?

I often find myself looking back at my life and wonder "Could I have done more?" I wonder if I could have saved enough money and been able to parent my girl, maybe I could have tried just a little bit harder and figured out how to raise her on my own. I've found I think these things when I see the birth dad in public or his family. Would they have helped me? Would I have found a better job and worked my tail off to provide for her? I wonder if I decided to parent, would I still get married to my wonderful husband? If so- we definitely could raise her. I wonder sometimes if I really did all I could. I see teen moms all the time come in to Old Navy (where I work) with their babies- and I sometimes I have an ounce of jealousy because I wish I could be in their shoes parenting Kinley. I could be sitting here playing toys with her instead of writing on a blog. I could be waking up early every morning to feed and clothe my princess instead of waking up and feeding my puppy. I could sing songs and read stories to my peanut every night instead of wondering what she is doing. I could be taking my pretty girl in public and getting oos and awe's from strangers, but instead, no one knows I have such a beautiful daughter. I could go to the pool with my stretch marks showing and people would understand because I have my baby with me, but instead, people are confused and wonder why my body is so "torn apart". Could I have handled being a single mom? Could I have been the mom I know I can be? 

All of these questions have been circulating my mind the past couple days. Mostly because I have seen birth dad twice in a row in public and have had border line anxiety attacks because I never quite know how to act or what to feel.  All I have done is sat and stewed over these questions and fantasies of being with Kinley. I hate that just one person can make me feel like crap. I hate that there isn't 100% closure and I hate that I feel trapped and insecure. I've gone through scenarios in my head if I ever bumped into him but when it's the real deal- I panic. 

I've also learned that wondering and playing the "what if" game gets me no where and I actually feel worse after thinking those things. Being a birth mom is hard work. I have to learn to not think things, learn to live without my pride and joy,and lots more other things! 

After typing all of this out- I've realized that maybe...just MAYBE I could have accomplished all those things above- but raising a child can't be all about "maybe's" I gave her the life she needed and a "For Sure" life. She for sure will be provided for. She for sure will have a stable home. She for sure will have a mom AND a dad. 

Thanks for reading my thoughts and have a wonderful day!

Mother's Day

Today has really been a bitter-sweet day for me. To be honest, I have been dreading Mother's Day for the past few weeks. Mostly because I didn't really know what to expect or how I would feel. It is hard thinking that last Mother's Day I was pregnant and I felt more of a mom then than I do today. I was caring for my peanut and was "with" her 24/7. Today, I am baby less, not with her, and that is a hard thing to face. I know that I am a real mother, but it isn't the same when your child doesn't call you mom and you cant do those "motherly" things for her everyday.

Yesterday was Birth Mother's Day. I knew the Saturday before MD is always BMD, and I was actually pretty excited about it. I was excited that birthmothers had a day to be honored by others for our sacrifices and etc. I was actually going to blog yesterday and promote it and get all into it. But I read a BLOG a few days before about a birth mother who doesn't celebrate BMD. It really put things into perspective and I too decided that I would rather celebrate MD, even if it is painful. I think that it is great that there is a BMD, but I don't think that it should be the day before MD. It's a great feeling to be acknowledged for my sacrifice and great strength, but at the same time, I would rather be acknowledged for be the real mother I am. No, I don't parent Kinley, but I did give her life and I provided her with all I could offer, which I feel is what real mothers do. I think that having BMD the day before kind of pushes birthmothers away from MD. Maybe if BMD was another part of the year or something, it would be better. Anyways- I hope that makes sense.

Grant and I went to the temple yesterday. I purposely had us go so that I could get lost in The Lord's work instead of focussing on this weekend. It was a great time. We drove down to Monticello and had long conversations and laughed and had a great road trip. The temple was amazing of course, and the spirit was so strong. I love being in The Lord's house. There is nothing more peaceful than the temple.

 We had lunch in Moab and then drove the rest of the way back home. We got on the subject of MD and I expressed my concerns and sadness I was having for the day. He was so caring and he tried to comfort me the best he could. We spent the rest of the day cleaning and just relaxing. Grant surprised me with a dozen red roses. He said he wasn't going to get me anything because he wasn't sure if I wanted to just ignore MD as a whole or what. But he decided to get me some and it melted my heart how caring and supportive he is. I must add that Grant isn't a present person. Not because he is not a giving person or anything, he just isn't a huge present-giving person. So for him to get me flowers, it was a huge thing in its self. We packed some lunchables in the car and we went star gazing out at a trail. He made my day so much better.

When I woke up this morning, I didn't really want to got o church. Mostly because it's Mother's Day and they always talk about mothers and how amazing they are and all of that. Don't get me wrong- I LOVE my mom- it's just today is rough because I'm not the "typical" mother. I drug myself out of bed and we went to church and kept my cool pretty well until the little kids got up and sang a song to their mothers. I lost it. I sobbed and sobbed. It's just really painful that I don't have my baby and that she won't sing those songs for me when she is older. The words to the song they sang are as followed:

Mother, I love you; mother, I do.
Father in heaven has sent me to you.
When I am near you. I love to hear you
Singing so softly that you love me too.

It is such a sweet song, but so painful to hear in my situation. I can't wait for the day I have children of my own and for them to be able to sing me those songs.

I was a basket case the rest of the day and my emotions were on major edge- I just wanted to sleep- which is what I do when I'm down. And as I was getting ready to dose off, Nicole texted me and asked if I wanted to Face Time with Kinley. I about had a heart attack. I hadn't really talked to them in a few weeks and really wasn't expecting anything. It made my day just to see my pretty girl! She is so big and she is crawling all over the place. Her teeth are growing in and she is jabbering a lot. Something so simple as video chatting made my day so much better.

Happy Mother's Day to all you mothers. But especially Happy Mother's Day to all you birth mothers. I hope all my birth mom friends are handling today well and I am so grateful for my wonderful husband and all he does.

Easter and My Adoption Journey

With Easter last week, I thought it would be a good idea to write a blog about it. Easter has become my favorite holiday. I never really thought of Easter as a very big holiday. I have been LDS my whole life, but I never really had a huge testimony of the atonement and resurrection until recently, so Easter never had a big impact in my life other than the fact that I worship Jesus. I always knew and appreciated the ultimate sacrifice He provided for us, but it's different when you have personally experienced this love especially in a life-changing way, like I have. So with that stated, I will continue to explain why I have been, yet again, amazed at our Savior's love and never failing concern for me, and all of his children.

I was so excited about Easter this year because I have such a strong love for Jesus and I was wanting to write this post on the actual day, but I just couldn't think of what to write. I have so much to say about Easter and how it relates to me, but I just couldn't get the passion to write about anything that would impact anyone or anything. I didn't want to write a boring post and the only experience I could think of being so moved by The Lord, was something I had already written about. I think Heavenly Father has a sick sense of humor sometimes and took this as a challenge. I, like most people, sometimes forget to pray and read my scriptures, especially when life is going so well. I was having such a great spring break and I felt on top of the world, i kind of put my scripture reading aside and would fall asleep and forget to say my personal prayers.

By the end of the night on sunday, I was just having a really hard time with the adoption. I was missing Kinley so terribly and I was already stressed about school because I'm not having such a great semester.   I had one of those "sneak attacks" like I have explained before, where I will be great and then have a wave of grief. I had the WOST low I have ever had since placement. I felt like I was in a black hole this whole week. I skipped school all week, taking NyQuill to sleep because I would just stay awake at night stressing and worrying about Kinley, I had nightmares every night, the list goes on, This week has been the worst week ever. I had this false thought in my head that I was being shut out of my adoption, I was even feeling regret about the whole adoption, I was doubting Toby and Nicole's promise to love my baby and keep the adoption agreement, I wanted to delete my blog and quit advocating adoption all together because I didn't want anyone to feel like I did and I was starting to think thoughts like all of those "angry birth mothers".  I just couldn't understand why Heavenly Father was putting me through all of this. I had such an AMAZING confirmation about adoption and that I did the best thing, why was I feeling I did the wrong thing? I just wanted my baby back and I wished I never placed her. I would just sit in my bed in the dark and cry and sob and cry and cry and cry. My husband tried to help as much as he could (bless his heart) but I would just push him away and not want to talk about it. I would tell him I made a mistake placing Kinley. I just wanted my baby back. Other birth moms tried to help and tell me that they had been through the same things and they went through fazes where they felt the same way and that things DO get better. I just couldn't believe them. Part of me was thinking "Laura, quit thinking these thoughts, you are out of control" but the other part of me just couldn't see the big picture. I felt to stuck and I just wanted out. Not in a suicidal way, but I just could not see any happy or optimistic way in anything. I had horrible dreams about having another baby that I was forced out of my free will into it placing for adoption I also had dreams of having a baby and wanting to trade it for Kinley. Grant said I would scream in my sleep and I would also wake up crying. I just couldn't escape.

My sister, Jaala, finally got a hold of me and told me everything was going to be alright. I can't even remember exactly what she said, other than the fact that she calmed me down and brought me back into reality. She suggested I call my case worker, Chelsea, and schedule a counseling session to just express my feelings. I didn't want to talk to anyone because my mind was set that there was no being happy about anything. after talking to her for a while, I decided I would send her a text. I sent it and then decided to go for a long run with our puppy. I ran until my body couldn't go any farther and until I had some what of a clear mind. I noticed I received a text message while I was running so when I got to a stopping point, I read it and i seriously felt like my whole world just dropped. LDS Family Services doesn't provide services in Grand Junction anymore and so Chelsea isn't legally allowed to give me council anymore. I literally fell to the ground sobbing. I built up enough courage to ask for help and I couldn't even receive any. I fell to my knees, dog leash in hand, in the middle of a park and just yelled "What do you want from me?" I thought I had things under control, but it all fell to pieces AGAIN! I prayed and prayed, I don't even know if anyone walked by (what a sight that would be to see) I just asked Heavenly Father for help and and told him I couldn't do it on my own anymore. When I got the strength to get back up, I read the rest of the text and Chelsea had called the LDSFS director in Denver and left him a message to call me back. I was so grateful she did that for me, especially since I don't think I would have gotten the courage again to call him.

As I walked back home, I felt such an overwhelming peace in my mind. That peace and comfort I had been lacking all week. It felt like the sun was coming out of the storm clouds and I felt the warmth of The Savior. I got home and opened up LDS.org and searched for some talks and videos that would help me out. I came across a Mormon Message video that I had seen before, but it never really effected until that day.

If you can't view the video, click HERE

I love everything about this video, and I think that those of you who aren't LDS can pull something from this little video. After watching that sweet message, I was finally able to get rid of all of those negative feelings and finally be able to find some optimism and see everything in a bigger picture. All the feelings of regret, being shut out, and being the victim left and I was reminded of why everything was the way it is.

Yes- adoption is hard. It's still hard almost a year later. And I'm sure these emotions of grief will come fresh and real as ever again multiple times throughout my life. I just always have to remember that Heavenly Father and Jesus are here with open arms if we just pray.

So why am I telling you this story in my Easter post? Because it ALL ties into the atonement. Jesus suffered in the garden and hung on the cross for us. He sacrificed everything so that I don't have to suffer through this grief and pain. The Lord knows exactly how I feel. He has felt the feelings of grief, loss, emotional pain, everything. And that is why he suffered, so we don't. He did that so I wouldn't feel alone in my journey. So everyone won't feel alone in their own personal struggles as well. All we have to do is be willing to take our burdens off of our shoulders and lay them down for Him. He has made the promise to take our hurts away if we follow and believe in him. This whole week I could have felt the light, if I just knelt down and prayed and let him lift those 'bricks' from my back.

I don't know why I do that- try and do it on my own, I mean. I guess it's because I'm very stubborn and I always want to do things on my own. But in all reality, there are some things in life we can not do on our own. And this adoption journey is one of them. Without the atonement, I'd be trying to do this all on my own. What a great gift we all have on this earth.

And so, my struggle to get a post written really turned into a lesson. Apparently I was due for a little reprimand from the heavens to remember to always turn to The Lord in time of darkness. It just shows that if we slack on keeping our spiritual lives up, the adversary has a way at weaseling in and making us feel like nothing. Satan isn't always the classic devil on the shoulder telling you to steal the candy bar or to hit your brother we learn when we are little kids. He has a way of getting into your emotions and making you feel like you are worthless and there is no light or way out.

I'm so thankful for the atonement in my life. And I'm also very grateful for knowing and learning about it since I was a little girl. Although I would never wish this kind of pain on anyone and it isn't my first choice of a trial I'd want in my life, I'm grateful for The Savior's sacrifice for me to be able to bare it.

And this is why I love Easter so much. It reminds me of how much I have in my life and reminds me just how much our Savior loves us!

Fears

Everyone has at least one fear. Whether it be heights, spiders, the dark, or the boogy man. Before I placed Kinley for adoption I had these fears also. The dark and heights being a few. After placement though- I have developed a few more that are bit bigger than the lack of light or looking over ledges. I always thought I was being silly, but the more I have expressed publicly, I have found lots of other birthmothers have the same fears.

1. Not being able to be a mom
I have heard stories of women giving birth normally with no complications and then having something go wrong after delivery and they can no longer have children or women who's bodies just don't want to have babies again. I always fear that my body will only be able to have one child and that was Kinley, who I'm not parenting. I've also feared that I would marry a man that is sterile. It's close to impossible that these things would happen, but it's always in the back of my mind.

2. Kinley feeling unwanted
I've been learning a lot about the different sides of adoption and I have come across a few angry adoptees. They express how they feel unwanted and confused about their adoption and don't know why their birthmothers 'gave them up'. There's also anger involved when expressing their feelings and they just can't understand why they were placed with their adopted family. I sometimes fear Kinley will feel this way when she is older. I fear that she will be bitter towards me and feel alone and never be able to forgive me or understand my reasonings for adoption.

Toby and Nicole are amazing people and they are doing a wonderful job at raising my princess. I know that they will tell Kinley everything and be open to her about this whole journey and I know that they will do everything in their power to provide Kinley with enough love that she won't ever have to feel lonely or unwanted. This is one of the biggest reasons for my blog- to write down my feelings so that Kinley will be able to come and read what is going through my mind and know that placing her was everything but abandonment and not wanting her. I make it a priority to send her at least a letter often to update her on my life and to express my love to her. My door will always be open for her. I can't wait for her to become older and be able to ask me questions and things.

3. Finding someone who will accept me and my decisions
This fear has been booted out because I have found an amazing man who supports and accepts my past. But before I met him, I feared I would find an amazing guy and build a great relationship with him and then tell him about Kinley and have him back out of the relationship or judge me harshly. It's pretty big news to tell someone you had a baby and placed her. It brings 'having baggage' to a whole new level. There are lots of emotional ups and downs they have to be patient with and lots of sympathy and understanding that comes right along with it. I also feared that I would tell a guy about Kinley and they wouldn't be supportive of the open adoption. I was scared they would think it was weird to have visits and contact with this baby that wasn't even theirs.

I have been so blessed to have found a guy who is so open minded and understanding towards my decisions with Kinley. Grant was a friend throughout my pregnancy and he was a friend after. He has made room in his heart not only for me, but for sweet Kinley. He is so willing and excited to come to visits with me. He gets a huge smile when I receive pictures of her, and he is most of all so patient with my emotional side with the adoption. He wasn't there for the placement, but he has done all he can to try and understand the adoption. He doesn't know 100% what I go through and feel, but he is always there to wipe my tears and just hold me when it has been a rough day. I was so so scared I would always be alone and that no one would be kind-hearted enough to step up and take care of me, but I was proven wrong(thanks babe).


These have been my biggest worries and I have come to realize that a lot of other birth moms have the same fears. I'm not saying that all birthmothers have all these same exact fears, I'm just saying that it is so interesting that through one similar life-changing experience (placement)  birth mothers can relate so well to one another.

Why Now?

I'm usually very positive in my posts, but I've been pretty frustrated and stressed the past little while. So if you don't want to hear me rant a bit- then you should just close the window right now. I've said before that birth moms have such crazy emotions that are up and down and they come very sudden and at random times. Sometimes you will be having a great day and out of nowhere, sad and lonely feelings sneak up from behind and hit you in the face! Anyways- I've been having those kinds of 'sneak attacks' lately.

About a month ago I received the most shocking and quite scary phone call. From who you may ask birth dad. *gasp* yeah I know my jaw dropped to the floor too. I panicked. My heart was beating out of my chest and my mouth got so dry. Not because of excitement, but out of pure fear! Let me remind you, I hadn't heard a single word from this person in over a year! The last words spoken to me were 'don't ever talk to me again. I don't care about you or that baby'. When I saw his name on my phone I about died. I pushed the ignore button because I didn't know what the heck to do.

I waited a few minutes before I called him back. I had to prepare myself for what he had to say. I was hoping he butt dialed me or something. What could he possibly need to talk about after a year? I had been so mad and wanted him to call or show some interest in Kinley, and now that that was possibly happening, I panicked. Do you blame me though?

I called back and he told me that he wanted to meet Kinley. He didn't know her name until I told him. He didn't know really anything about her. He had never seen a picture of her, didn't know who she was, nothing. It was so strange that I was talking to him. The result of the conversation was that I'd give his email to Toby and Nicole and they could handle everything. I don't want to be the middle man for the rest of Kinley's life and also, Toby and Nicole are her parents and they are the ones who have all the say that goes on. I told him that I wanted to be there if he was ever allowed to meet her, and he agreed. I emailed him a few pictures of Kinley so that he knew what she looked like. He kind of apologized for what had happened between us and asked if we could just forget about the past and move on. And let me tell you how angry this made me. Do you all remember the long post I made a few months ago about how much anger and hatred I had for him and his fiancé? This situation isn't something we can just 'put in the past' or 'forget about'. Maybe if we just had a bad break up or something, but this is all about A PERSON! MY baby! Abandoning me, ignoring, and not caring about  a child is much bigger than a break up or something like that. It made me so angry that he could just think I could drop all hard feelings. If he called me a few months earlier I would have never given him the time of day and told him he missed all his chances, which he really did in all reality. He was so mean to me and refused to make an adoption plan with the case worker. He flat out refused to come see Kinley in the hospital. I told him I was working on the forgiving part and I was working on moving on.

So this brings me to why the heck I'm blogging about this. I would think him wanting to all of a sudden be involved would patch up so much of the heartache, but it has done everything but that. I've felt so jealous, angry, sad, and I have found myself looking back and playing the what-if game. I don't think birth dad realizes that if he would have come around way earlier, I could be holding my pretty girl in my arms. I could be her mom. I never would have placed her and my life would be so much different. If he wanted to be involved, I wouldn't stay awake at night crying because I miss my baby.

This brings me to my next question- Why now? Why after so long did you decide to be involved? Why all of a sudden is Kinley important to you? Why did you run away? Why did you deny her? Why couldn't you have been a man and stepped up? Why wasn't Kinley that important to you before?

These questions have been circulating through my mind so much! It makes me so mad and sad that if he would have been there a year earlier, things would have been so different. I feel like he doesn't understand everything that goes into adoption. He has no bond with Kinley other than donating sperm. He was never there to feel her kick, he was never there to see her ultrasounds, her heart beat. He never even met her! He refused! and he CHOSE that! I gave him so much opportunity and so many chances and he declined every one of them. He doesn't know the hurt that went into placing her. He doesn't understand it one bit. He wasn't there, he doesn't know what it feels like to have your heart ripped out of your heart or what is like to see your most prized possession go home with someone else. He doesn't know what it is like to feel so empty and a part of your heart missing forever.

And he thinks I can just forget about it and move on?

Ever since that phone call, so many emotions I've buried and tried to hide came out and it feels nice to write them down.

I know that everything in this adoption has worked out 100% how it was supposed to and I know that it was truly meant to be, but there is always that what-if in the back ground. I don't regret placing Kinley, I wouldn't change it at all, but still. I always think of all these questions and scenarios of if she were with me, and they all end up better if she was placed.

If I parented, who knows when birth dad would come around? I would have the struggle of a single young mom, her dad would be in and out of her life, shortly after Kinley was born, birth dad went to jail for domestic violence...it sickens me to think Kinley could have been in the middle of that. Kinley wouldn't be able to be sealed to me and Grant in the temple, she probably wouldn't be taught about Heavenly Father and Jesus at her dad's house and she would be bounced around houses. Especially hearing Toby and Nicole's story and how adoption had blessed their lives, and how happy they are with her, I wouldn't change that. I just don't want to come across as regretting my decision because I don't and like I said, I'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. I'm just saying I still wonder...which I need to stop doing because it does no good.

I've said time and time again that all of this has been for Kinley. And it 100% has been. If it were up to me, I never would have answered that phone call. I would have ignored it and he would have been out of luck. I never would have sent him pictures, given him the time of day or even given Toby and Nicole his email. I could have just ignored everything. But because this adoption wasn't about me, I went out of my comfort zone and did this. For who? Kinley Lyn. She deserves to know her roots. She deserves to know where she gets her olive skin and beautiful dark eyes. I don't want her to grow up and wonder about her birth dad and why he never cared. I feel by giving Toby and Nicole his contact info. I did my part. I love Kinley so much that I'm setting my issues aside and giving her a resource to fall back on later and so she doesn't have to wonder. It's going to be hard to know birth dad potentially has a relationship with her, but it's what my princess deserves right?

Sorry for the negative post, but I feel like raw emotions are key in telling the world about birth mothers and the struggles they face post placement. Its not just a happily ever after, it's a life-long struggle we fight after we leave the hospital. It's tough, but as long as my Pooky has the best life ever, I would do it a million times and I will fight for her happiness.

On a happier note, Kinley is  8 months old today!