Thursday, May 23, 2013

Could I Have Done More?

I often find myself looking back at my life and wonder "Could I have done more?" I wonder if I could have saved enough money and been able to parent my girl, maybe I could have tried just a little bit harder and figured out how to raise her on my own. I've found I think these things when I see the birth dad in public or his family. Would they have helped me? Would I have found a better job and worked my tail off to provide for her? I wonder if I decided to parent, would I still get married to my wonderful husband? If so- we definitely could raise her. I wonder sometimes if I really did all I could. I see teen moms all the time come in to Old Navy (where I work) with their babies- and I sometimes I have an ounce of jealousy because I wish I could be in their shoes parenting Kinley. I could be sitting here playing toys with her instead of writing on a blog. I could be waking up early every morning to feed and clothe my princess instead of waking up and feeding my puppy. I could sing songs and read stories to my peanut every night instead of wondering what she is doing. I could be taking my pretty girl in public and getting oos and awe's from strangers, but instead, no one knows I have such a beautiful daughter. I could go to the pool with my stretch marks showing and people would understand because I have my baby with me, but instead, people are confused and wonder why my body is so "torn apart". Could I have handled being a single mom? Could I have been the mom I know I can be? 

All of these questions have been circulating my mind the past couple days. Mostly because I have seen birth dad twice in a row in public and have had border line anxiety attacks because I never quite know how to act or what to feel.  All I have done is sat and stewed over these questions and fantasies of being with Kinley. I hate that just one person can make me feel like crap. I hate that there isn't 100% closure and I hate that I feel trapped and insecure. I've gone through scenarios in my head if I ever bumped into him but when it's the real deal- I panic. 

I've also learned that wondering and playing the "what if" game gets me no where and I actually feel worse after thinking those things. Being a birth mom is hard work. I have to learn to not think things, learn to live without my pride and joy,and lots more other things! 

After typing all of this out- I've realized that maybe...just MAYBE I could have accomplished all those things above- but raising a child can't be all about "maybe's" I gave her the life she needed and a "For Sure" life. She for sure will be provided for. She for sure will have a stable home. She for sure will have a mom AND a dad. 

Thanks for reading my thoughts and have a wonderful day!