First off- long time no see! It's been almost a whole year since I have blogged. Life has a way of getting busy and adoption seems to be on the back burner lately.
This blog post has been weighing on my mind for quite some time now; and I finally have a few extra minutes, while watching Home Alone (for the 4th time this month), to sit down and type it all out.
I think it hit me when I was sitting in Sacrament Meeting about a year or more ago and there was a talk about the celestial kingdom and how Heavenly Father wants all of us there. The speaker expressed their want and desire for every person in the world to know of the gospel and make it into the Celestial Kingdom all together. I got to thinking and asked myself, "What if J joined the church? What if he was a part of our ward and showed up every Sunday? What would I do?" My initial reaction was to turn my nose up and refuse to believe he would/could ever do that. But then I thought a little harder and had a wave of compassion. If I could change, why can't others? I've done some pretty bad things in my life, but here I am a changed person. I like to think of myself as a good person, striving to make it to the Celestial Kingdom.
Other's can change too. I think that was the moment I got off my high horse and realized that anyone, even the guy who let me down in so many ways, can change. Over the past 3 1/2 years I've always held some sort of anger towards him. While I can always portray him as a forever scum bag in my head, all that will do is cause unnecessary anger inside me. I feel like I've entered a whole new level of acceptance and forgiveness. A few years ago, I made a new years resolution to work on forgiving Kinley's birth father. Little did I know, this would be a multi-year "project." I have been working on remembering J is a fellow child of God. I don't have any lines of communication to him(nor do I care to), so I don't know what is going on in his life, but I will continue to assume he is working on himself. Because if by some crazy coinkydink he were to show up one sunday to hear the gospel, I'd have to get over work through what happened and accept him as a changed man. Will I ever be his friend? no. But, I also won't hold a grudge and think I'm better than him either.
I'm not even sure what I'm saying makes sense. I wanted to get these thoughts down before I forgot them and also so they stop circulating my brain every morning as I'm getting ready for the day. I'm learning that I'm not the only one who can change and become a better person. Others can too. For Kinley's sake, I hope and pray that when she is older and more mature to understand, she can look at both J and I and be proud of where her roots are from.
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