Thursday, March 7, 2013

Why Now?

I'm usually very positive in my posts, but I've been pretty frustrated and stressed the past little while. So if you don't want to hear me rant a bit- then you should just close the window right now. I've said before that birth moms have such crazy emotions that are up and down and they come very sudden and at random times. Sometimes you will be having a great day and out of nowhere, sad and lonely feelings sneak up from behind and hit you in the face! Anyways- I've been having those kinds of 'sneak attacks' lately.

About a month ago I received the most shocking and quite scary phone call. From who you may ask birth dad. *gasp* yeah I know my jaw dropped to the floor too. I panicked. My heart was beating out of my chest and my mouth got so dry. Not because of excitement, but out of pure fear! Let me remind you, I hadn't heard a single word from this person in over a year! The last words spoken to me were 'don't ever talk to me again. I don't care about you or that baby'. When I saw his name on my phone I about died. I pushed the ignore button because I didn't know what the heck to do.

I waited a few minutes before I called him back. I had to prepare myself for what he had to say. I was hoping he butt dialed me or something. What could he possibly need to talk about after a year? I had been so mad and wanted him to call or show some interest in Kinley, and now that that was possibly happening, I panicked. Do you blame me though?

I called back and he told me that he wanted to meet Kinley. He didn't know her name until I told him. He didn't know really anything about her. He had never seen a picture of her, didn't know who she was, nothing. It was so strange that I was talking to him. The result of the conversation was that I'd give his email to Toby and Nicole and they could handle everything. I don't want to be the middle man for the rest of Kinley's life and also, Toby and Nicole are her parents and they are the ones who have all the say that goes on. I told him that I wanted to be there if he was ever allowed to meet her, and he agreed. I emailed him a few pictures of Kinley so that he knew what she looked like. He kind of apologized for what had happened between us and asked if we could just forget about the past and move on. And let me tell you how angry this made me. Do you all remember the long post I made a few months ago about how much anger and hatred I had for him and his fiancĂ©? This situation isn't something we can just 'put in the past' or 'forget about'. Maybe if we just had a bad break up or something, but this is all about A PERSON! MY baby! Abandoning me, ignoring, and not caring about  a child is much bigger than a break up or something like that. It made me so angry that he could just think I could drop all hard feelings. If he called me a few months earlier I would have never given him the time of day and told him he missed all his chances, which he really did in all reality. He was so mean to me and refused to make an adoption plan with the case worker. He flat out refused to come see Kinley in the hospital. I told him I was working on the forgiving part and I was working on moving on.

So this brings me to why the heck I'm blogging about this. I would think him wanting to all of a sudden be involved would patch up so much of the heartache, but it has done everything but that. I've felt so jealous, angry, sad, and I have found myself looking back and playing the what-if game. I don't think birth dad realizes that if he would have come around way earlier, I could be holding my pretty girl in my arms. I could be her mom. I never would have placed her and my life would be so much different. If he wanted to be involved, I wouldn't stay awake at night crying because I miss my baby.

This brings me to my next question- Why now? Why after so long did you decide to be involved? Why all of a sudden is Kinley important to you? Why did you run away? Why did you deny her? Why couldn't you have been a man and stepped up? Why wasn't Kinley that important to you before?

These questions have been circulating through my mind so much! It makes me so mad and sad that if he would have been there a year earlier, things would have been so different. I feel like he doesn't understand everything that goes into adoption. He has no bond with Kinley other than donating sperm. He was never there to feel her kick, he was never there to see her ultrasounds, her heart beat. He never even met her! He refused! and he CHOSE that! I gave him so much opportunity and so many chances and he declined every one of them. He doesn't know the hurt that went into placing her. He doesn't understand it one bit. He wasn't there, he doesn't know what it feels like to have your heart ripped out of your heart or what is like to see your most prized possession go home with someone else. He doesn't know what it is like to feel so empty and a part of your heart missing forever.

And he thinks I can just forget about it and move on?

Ever since that phone call, so many emotions I've buried and tried to hide came out and it feels nice to write them down.

I know that everything in this adoption has worked out 100% how it was supposed to and I know that it was truly meant to be, but there is always that what-if in the back ground. I don't regret placing Kinley, I wouldn't change it at all, but still. I always think of all these questions and scenarios of if she were with me, and they all end up better if she was placed.

If I parented, who knows when birth dad would come around? I would have the struggle of a single young mom, her dad would be in and out of her life, shortly after Kinley was born, birth dad went to jail for domestic violence...it sickens me to think Kinley could have been in the middle of that. Kinley wouldn't be able to be sealed to me and Grant in the temple, she probably wouldn't be taught about Heavenly Father and Jesus at her dad's house and she would be bounced around houses. Especially hearing Toby and Nicole's story and how adoption had blessed their lives, and how happy they are with her, I wouldn't change that. I just don't want to come across as regretting my decision because I don't and like I said, I'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. I'm just saying I still wonder...which I need to stop doing because it does no good.

I've said time and time again that all of this has been for Kinley. And it 100% has been. If it were up to me, I never would have answered that phone call. I would have ignored it and he would have been out of luck. I never would have sent him pictures, given him the time of day or even given Toby and Nicole his email. I could have just ignored everything. But because this adoption wasn't about me, I went out of my comfort zone and did this. For who? Kinley Lyn. She deserves to know her roots. She deserves to know where she gets her olive skin and beautiful dark eyes. I don't want her to grow up and wonder about her birth dad and why he never cared. I feel by giving Toby and Nicole his contact info. I did my part. I love Kinley so much that I'm setting my issues aside and giving her a resource to fall back on later and so she doesn't have to wonder. It's going to be hard to know birth dad potentially has a relationship with her, but it's what my princess deserves right?

Sorry for the negative post, but I feel like raw emotions are key in telling the world about birth mothers and the struggles they face post placement. Its not just a happily ever after, it's a life-long struggle we fight after we leave the hospital. It's tough, but as long as my Pooky has the best life ever, I would do it a million times and I will fight for her happiness.

On a happier note, Kinley is  8 months old today!