Ringing in the New Year

Happy new year everybody!! It's a very common tradition for us to make New Years resolutions at the start of each year. Usually we pick something and stick with it for a few weeks or months and then slowly slip out of habit and forget about that resolution.

I am no exception to this common act! In fact- the past 3 or so years I've refused to make a New Years resolution because I know myself all too well and I never stick to my goal anyways so why make one?

Well this year I am challenging myself to a New Years resolution that I have been trying to do since the summer when Kinley was born. And with the hype of everyone being goal oriented, I decided to jump on the band wagon and go all out to overcome this obstacle! You're probably wondering what this resolution has to do with my adoption journey and why I'm blogging about it- but it has a lot to do with my adoption and I have also found if you tell lots of people about your goals or thoughts, they will support you and hold you accountable to accomplishing it:)

Alright- so the New Years resolution (drum role please)... This year my goal is to overcome anger I have towards Kinley's birthfather and his fiancé and to forgive her birthfather for all the hurt I have felt! Ok this might sound so stupid and you're probably thinking 'why didn't she do that before?' Well it's not as easy as it seems and to be honest, I have been trying for the past year!

So I have been reading and talking with other people about how to overcome anger to someone and they have all said to write a letter but don't send it or talk to them in person and straiten things out. To be honest- writing a letter is a good idea but knowing that the letter will never reach them won't be effective for me. And sitting down face to face would not solve anything because it would end up being a cat fight or something. So I have resorted to writing on my blog. It's like writing a letter- it won't be sent to them directly but it's out in the open and in my mind- they have 100% access to it so its as good as sending it. And plus it gets rid of the face to face cat fight because if they want to feel angry, I won't know about it.

So here it goes...

Dear birth dad-
It all started when I found out I was pregnant with Kinley. We were scared to death and didn't know what to do. I felt hurt when you didn't seem motivated to find a better job. I felt hurt when you would rather go hang out with friends instead of help sort out our situation. I was starting to get cold feet in our relationship because you didn't seem on board. When we broke up I didn't even know we broke up until I logged onto Facebook and it said we were single. You used our break up as fuel to make me look like the bad guy. You told everyone I treated you bad and that I expected too much from you. I felt so hurt by this because I was pregnant with your child and I couldn't tell anyone yet because it was too soon. I was made out to look like this heartless person who just broke up with you because I was too stuck up and needy. When in reality there was a whole other element to the situation (an unborn child).

I felt hurt when you were worried about partying and drinking instead of showing support to your child. I was hurt when you denied our baby to your friends. I was hurt when we were planning on keeping the baby and you wanted to sign your rights away and have nothing to do with it. I was hurt you lied to everyone and made me look like an idiot.

When the news of me being pregnant was public you denied being the dad. You lied and said I never told you about her until I was 5 months along when you were there when I took the test. I was hurt when you took me to lunch and told me you wanted to help me pick out adoptive couples and help me anyway you could and the next day you told me never to talk to you. I was hurt when you told me you loved me still and the next day found out you got back together with your ex and were engaged.

I was hurt when you told your parents you weren't the father and I cheated on you and I was making up lies. I was hurt when I asked you to be at the hospital after she was born and you ignored my text. I was hurt that you didn't call, text, anything when she was born. I was hurt when the case worker told me you didn't want to make an adoption plan with Kinley.

Dear birthdad's fiancé
It all started 2 days before Kinley was born. I had asked you to stop requesting me on various social media sites. You lashed back with hateful comments and mean words. I was hurt when you called me a slut. I was hurt when you told me birth dad wanted nothing to do with me or my child. I was hurt when you called me stuck up for being rude in high school. I was hurt when you told me I cheated on birth dad and I'm pathetic because I was pinning a baby on birth dad. I was hurt when you bad mouthed my religion that I love so dearly. I was especially hurt when you said I was a bad Mormon for becoming pregnant. I was mostly hurt because you are a fellow birthmother. You know what it is like to place your child and all the hurt and pain that comes with it. You know how difficult the last parts of pregnancy are anticipating the placement. You especially know what it is like to do it alone because you had to also. When all the placement was over I felt attacked when you started prying into Kinley's new parents lives via social media. I was protective of the fact you were getting in the middle of my situation. I was annoyed that you started copying my ideas of adoption advocacy. I felt threatened that it seemed like you were stealing my adoption support system. I felt threatened when you tried to be in Kinley's life and send her packages and gifts. I feel that isn't your place and you need to focus on your own birth son.



I didn't write this to point fingers or blame anyone or start more drama with these two. I just needed to get it all off of my chest. I have come to terms with all of the stated above. I have already formed my life around the fact that birth dad is non existent. I have excepted that fact and it is what it is. I have also excepted the fact that his fiancé was rude to me. Probably the the meanest anyone has ever been to me in my life- but what was done is done.

I am a true believer that people change. I have changed so much myself. It happens and I'll be first to admit others can too. These two people may have changed as people quite a bit since 6 months ago and that is fine. It's awesome actually. If they have- I have no idea. I don't have access in their lives nor do I ever plan to. The fact of the matter is the kind of people I have been left with the impression of is not so great. I have built up so much anger and bitter feelings it makes me feel so icky inside.

I hate hating people. It breaks you down inside and you find yourself stressing over people and creating more anger and all you do with your time is think about how much you hate them and all the mean things you want to say and do to them. It has made me so bitter sometimes and I hate wasting my thoughts about it. I have worked so hard and have come to peace with my adoption decisions and have been starting to see the light at the end of this dark tunnel. It seems like all areas of this journey have come to peace except the topic of the birth dad.

If Jesus can forgive the people who put him on the cross, I think I can forgive the people that have hurt me. I have read several quotes about forgiveness and a lot of them talk about when you forgive someone you realize you were the prisoner the whole time. It's so true. I don't enjoy holding this grudge and I'm so ready to drop it. I want to hear their names and wish them well instead of wish them dead. I want to see them in public and not get heated. I want to see them in public and feel nothing more or less than what I felt seeing other strangers.

Birth dad and I will always be connected with the fact that we made Kinley but I want that to be the only thing. No anger or hatred connected. No love or relationship either. I don't expect a friendship out of this...just acquaintances. I want the peace of mind knowing I don't hate anyone. I want to live worry free(don't we all?)

So that's my New Years resolution. It's quite complicated but I'm determined to work hard at it. I don't have a dead line as to when I want to accomplish it- I just have the desire to work on it. If it takes a few months, great but if it takes more than a year, then it takes more than a year.

I've accomplished so much in my life and have worked hard to be in the great spot that I am at and I feel this is the last step in my healing process! Wish me luck:)

Happiness, Sadness, Pain, and Comfort

I know the title of this post is a little different and adverse, but you will see why. A birth mother's emotions are indescribable and very different than anything else. The only other feeling I can relate it to is when someone you love dies. But even then, it still isn't the same. When someone dies, your heart aches knowing you won't be able to see them again. It feels like you have hit a brick wall and you just want to scream because you miss them so much. With placing a baby, you have the heart ache, definitely, but when you are about to hit that brick wall, you are over come with peace and comfort because your child isn't dead, they aren't gone forever, they are still alive and are going to have the best life possible. Like a deceased person, a birthmother may not be able to hold, see, and kiss their loved one everyday, but there is light knowing that they are going to grow up happy with a whole family!

Wow- that was some introduction!

The first week without Kinley was such a whirlwind of emotions. If the emotions mentioned above weren't bad enough, I'll add I was in pain and tired from giving birth, having stitches, and being up for 48 hours strait! I was getting used to having no baby in me, trying to comprehend what happened and my hormones going wacko didn't help one bit.

We got home from the hospital at about 9 pm and all I wanted to do was fall into bed. I was so emotionally numb. I had just done the hardest thing imaginable and I was still trying to soak it all in. I was tired of crying because that's what I did the whole day. I just wanted to sleep and maybe it would go away. It all felt like such a dream. My sisters spent the night at my house for support and it was so nice- especially since I needed their help going to the bathroom still- hehe.

I woke up the next morning to the sound of a door creaking and I jumped up in bed thinking it was Kinley. But I opened my eyes and there was no baby in a cradle next to me. No baby to be seen in my arms and definitely no baby in my belly. I felt a sort of panic until I remembered I had placed my baby last night. And to that thought, I sobbed and sobbed.

I had so much time to grow this baby and all the resources to read about what exactly I had to expect when I was pregnant and giving birth. You know- morning sickness, labor, and caring for myself after birth. I had it all down like the back of my hand and I was so prepared. But I was no where prepared for what it would be like to have my baby away from me. In a sense it felt like I had her and then she was just taken from my arms and she ripped a chunk of my heart with her. It's the most indescribable feeling. It just happened so fast it seemed and it took a good week to some what catch my breath and figure out what I was feeling.

Even now- 5 months later, the feeling of loss and grief are still real and strong as ever. I always expected to maybe get over the loss and grief stage in a couple months and be able to just jump back into my life like nothing happened. Sort of like an ex boyfriend. But I was so wrong. You never 100% 'get over' your baby. You never forget or jump back into your 'old life'. You can't just pretend it never happened and be 'normal'. When you place a baby- you are placing something that is 100% yours! Kinley is a human being MY human being. She is my flesh and blood, my DNA and biology. There is no way I could just 'get over' her. She will always be there in the back if my mind. She is always in my thoughts. It's amazing how much I love her and would do ANYTHING for her. I will always miss her and feel a part of my heart is missing, but there is comfort knowing that she isn't gone forever.

I heard a quote the other day and it said- 'when you lose your child to adoption, you never quite get over it. You just slowly learn how to go on without them. But always keeping them tucked safely in your heart.'

How accurate and head on that quote is. I will always feel sad and sense of loss for the rest of my life- but I will always feel happy and sense of peace and comfort at the same time.

It sounds like birth moms are bipolar- but it's just a whirlwind of emotions. I never expected to feel this way and I don't think anyone can be 'prepared' for it, but it is what it is.

I felt the need to write this post because the more I have dove into the adoption community, I have learned so many negative views on adoption. I have heard people's opinions that birth mothers abandon their children, birth moms are forever doomed because of depression and trauma, birth moms always get the short end of the stick etc

Maybe I'm not like the rest- but I definitely don't suffer from depression or trauma. I have found my way to vent and heal by blogging and think that if more birth mothers found an out- they too would have a better outlook. I also understand other birth moms have totally different situations, but I want to help represent those who have had a great turnout. I want to help change the negative look on adoption and being a birth mom.

I do believe a lot of the times birth moms may get the 'short end of the stick' but I see it as we don't get the type of respect we deserve. Birth moms give the gift of life and sacrifice their own child to have a better life for all 3 parties and people tend to look past the birth mom, the one who made it all happen and skip right to the adoptive couple. I want to make it clear that adoptive families are amazing and they definitely have a lot of love to welcome a baby into their home and care for it. I just think that Birth Mothers don't get seen in the right light sometimes. A lot of this could be because birth mothers are just recently being heard and adoption is becoming more public. In years past- being a birth mom was unspeakable and and in this day in age, it is more open and the world I feel is a little more accepting. I tell myself all the time that I am so thankful I can be a birth mom in this decade because of the new approach of open adoptions and being open about touchy things like placing your baby.

I'm not even going to touch much on the myth that birthmothers abandon their children because it winds my up in anger and plus- I feel like all my past posts shoots that idea down in a second!

I have kind of gone to China and back with this post but I wanted to inform others. The best way to cure ignorance is to inform right? The best way for people to understand your feelings and situations is to shed some light on the matter. I hope I have informed and answered any questions about being a birthmother! I am so blessed to be one.