One, Two, Buckle My Shoe

Well, can you believe it? another year has gone by! I swear this second year went by way faster than the first. I hope the years don't pass by faster and faster each year.

I wrote this post the night before Kinley's birthday and almost deleted it because I felt like I wasn't being optimistic enough. Then I started thinking, why do I always have to be optimistic? My goal for this blog was to be honest to give people a realistic idea of what being a birth mom is. And quite honestly, I don't feel optimistic or happy or smiley 100% of the time. So, here is what I wrote on the eve of Kinley's 2nd birthday:

It doesn't feel like it's little Kinley's 2nd birthday already. I feel so much different this year than last. I haven't let the emotions come. I've been pushing them away and trying to avoid them. I've been keeping myself busy. I feel guilty if I cry or feel sad. I don't want these emotions to effect this unborn child. Even though I know it will have little to no effect on her at all. I feel guilty if I feel sad because birthdays are supposed to be happy. I am happy, don't get me wrong! Kinley's birthdays are just bitter sweet because of their nature. I feel guilty if I feel sad because I don't want to create something awkward for Toby and Nicole. I am happy, I really am. I love talking about Kinley and my journey (obviously) but when July 7th rolls around, I just feel like crawling into a hole and not coming out until the 10th. Raw emotions come back and it feels so real. The vivid memories come flooding in like I'm being taken back in a time machine. Is it bad I haven't taken out "the box?" The box that stores the hospital bracelets, blankets, certificates. It's like a time capsule. I want to so badly open up the box, but I'm scared it will trigger all the emotions. I just don't want to feel them. I don't want to sort through the emotions. I don't want to cry and dry my face with a hundred tissues. I don't want to feel that pang in my heart. I know I need to because its healthy and normal, but I just don't want to. I want to just think happy thoughts. I want to just celebrate her birthday like a "normal" person. I want the sweet without the bitter.

The past week has been flooded with tiny memories. Like her first cry. That precious sound of a little baby, almost like a mouse because it was so little. The split second her little body came into this world and my sister and I just locked eyes and smiled in amazement that she was finally here. The moment they laid her on my chest. The moment I looked at her for the first time. I remember her being so little and I thought she was going to slip right out of my hands because she was all slimy. A beautiful slimy. I remember the rush of emotion I had when I held her for the first time. I couldn't help but cry myself. All I could do was sob in happiness. My first words were "Oh my baby! Shh baby. I love you baby." She was the most perfect thing on this earth. The moment I fed her for the first time. She was so hungry she was sucking her little hands so we gave her a bottle and she sucked it down. I was so worried I would not know how to take care of a baby, but from that moment on, I instantly knew what to do. I had the instinct to feed her, burp her, sooth her.

All these memories have been in the front of my mind. No matter how hard I've tried, I can't make them go away or wait until I'm ready to acknowledge them. The smells of the hospital, the sounds, everything is like I'm sitting in the hospital. I wish I could be back there. But at the same time, I wish the memories would just go on their merry way because of the emotions they bring with them.

Kinley isn't 6 pounds anymore. She is a 2 year old. She can walk, talk, run, and jump! She is a different person almost. I think thats what makes things hard. I've missed so much of her life. She calls someone else mommy. Someone else feeds her. Someone else soothes her. Yes, I am happy for her. I don't want to sound like I'm angry about it. I'm not. I am so so happy with how everything has turned out. I've had my closure and I'm taking control of my grieving process. I'd say I'm on top of it pretty well. I just feel its fair to be able to be honest and express the sad and real emotions that come this part of the year. I'm happy with my decision to place. I'm content and regret nothing about it. I wouldn't change a thing actually.

I still haven't brought myself to open "the box." I may not for a few weeks. Reliving those emotions are hard. I know we can do hard things, but I'm not ready. I think a big reason her birthday was a bit harder this year was because I didn't visit her. We agreed we would just have a visit around her birthday-which I'm so good with! As she gets older, she is going to have friend birthdays and how fun would it be for her to have to explain to all her friends who "that lady" is? Not fun and I totally respect that! I was able to FaceTime with Kinley though. She has grown so much and her vocabulary is exploding! She is so smart! Her and her sister love the movie, Frozen! She sang me some Frozen songs and showed me her Anna doll she got from her Uncle. She even told me her favorite food is Tacos! It was so great to talk with her and chat with Nicole. Kinley gets really excited when I talk with her and she is always saying "Lowa(Laura) watch this!" or "Lowa look here!" or "Lowa guess what?" 

It makes me feel so happy! I made her a little cake also. When she face timed me, I showed her the cake and I sang Happy Birthday to her! I just couldn't believe she used to be a tiny little baby and now she is a ball of energy and personality!

I also made Kinley a video which I burned onto a DVD for her here it is: (if the video doesn't play, here is the link)

Happy Birthday sweet Kinley! I love you so so much!

Toby and Nicole are Hoping to Adopt

That's right, they are! And I couldn't be happier for them!

As some of you may know, LDS Family Services (LDSFS) has recently changed their dynamics. They will no longer serve as an agency, but rather a place for birthmothers to find couples and then be referred to other agencies for all of the legal stuff. One thing I've loved about LDSFS is that their fees are low for hopeful adoptive couples and it served as a very helpful agency. For me, I loved knowing my baby was going to a worthy LDS couple. Anyways, with all that said, couples who are already on the website ready to adopt have until the end of the year to be matched or else they need to find a new agency. For lots of couples, this puts a financial burden on them. Most agencies are a lot more expensive than LDSFS.

Sooooo to the point of this post! Toby and Nicole don't think they will be able to adopt using another agency and I have taken it upon myself to help promote them and get their profile out to the public so they can hopefully be matched by the end of the year! I thought my blog would be a great resource knowing that it reaches many viewers, some being expectant mothers looking into adoption.

If you click HERE, It will take you to their profile on the It's About Love website.

Toby and Nicole are amazing parents. They love adoption and especially love birth parents- I would know. Adoption is not easy for any side, but they have made it an enjoyable journey. They are honest, thoughtful, they keep their commitments they have made in our open adoption, and they go out of their way to make things special. I really could go on. Throughout my blog posts, I can't even convey 100% how awesome they are!

If you could do me and them a favor and share this blog post or the link to their adoption profile, that would be awesome! Its crazy how far just word-of-mouth can spread! I am so excited for them to grow their cute family and especially excited Kinley may get to be a big sister!

Being A Birth Mother Has Prepared Me To Be A Mother

As some of you already know, my husband and I are going to be parents in September! We are both so excited and blessed! We found out a few days ago that we are going to have a sweet little girl!

It is amazing to see how much has changed and has been accomplished in the 2 1/2 years since I looked at that first positive pregnancy test. It almost seems unreal that that was my life since my life has undergone some major makeovers. Even looking back to a year ago when motherhood was tugging at my heart so heavily. I wanted to be a mom so badly, but Grant and I decided we needed to wait a little bit before we started trying for kids. It was a hard time in my life. BUT I'm glad I have a smart and patient husband because I needed to go through those difficult times. I needed to feel out all those stressful emotions that placement brought to me. They have made me stronger and have prepared me to be a mother.

Before I was ever pregnant with Kinley, I knew I wanted to be a mom someday, but that was in the future and I never really thought much of it. But those 9 months changed my mind-set completely. When Kinley came into this world, there was nothing more I wanted to be than a mother. I never grasped the amazingness a mother's love was until they laid her tiny body in my arms. Signing my parental rights away was the hardest thing in the world because I so badly wanted to me that little girl's mommy. But I knew I couldn't. From the moment after I placed Kinley all I wanted was to straiten my life out because I wanted to be a mom. I made big changes in my decisions to be worthy to marry a man in the temple, and I made personal emotional changes to be the best future mom.

Being a birth mom has made me rethink motherhood a million times over. Having a taste of motherhood for those 48 hours and it slipping through my finger tips has made me never take it for granted. After placement (and still to this day) it would bother me so much when mothers would complain about their babies being up all night or their toddlers getting into trouble. I wanted so badly to say, "Well, at least you have your little one with you every day." It's true though, I would give anything to be up all night with a cranky Kinley or pick up all her toys at the end of the day or clean up spaghetti sauce that she splattered all over my new dress. Those are things I miss out on and actually wouldn't mind doing! Having the opportunity now to be a mother, I don't want to take those things for granted. I will cherish all the sleepless nights and temper tantrums we will endure. I will take every chance I can to tell our sweet daughter how much we lover her. I will finally get the chance to witness all the milestones I have missed out on and be the mother I have always dreamed of being.

Over the past almost 2 years after placement, I have daydreamed and planned out what kind of mother I want to be. I have waited so long to fill these motherly "shoes" that have been empty and calling my name. No one or anything could ever replace my Kinley girl, but for the first time in almost 2 years, there is an ache that isn't there anymore. Those motherly instincts that came and have stayed are finally being able to be put to use. Those feelings of being useless and incompetent are fleeting. There is nothing I would rather be than a mother, and that dream "career" position is finally being filled with me! It still feels unreal, but its an amazing feeling.

Being a birth mother has prepared me for this. It has made me take the sacred role of a mother so seriously. It has made me not take the morning sickness, child birth, and all the things being a mom encompasses for granted. I have waited, prepared myself, and prayed for the opportunity to be a mother. Heavenly Father knew that I needed to wait a little while so that I could truly be ready to care for one of His children.

It has been such a rocky road over the past few years, but I wouldn't change it for anything.

Being a birth mother has prepared me to be a mother.