One, Two, Buckle My Shoe

Well, can you believe it? another year has gone by! I swear this second year went by way faster than the first. I hope the years don't pass by faster and faster each year.

I wrote this post the night before Kinley's birthday and almost deleted it because I felt like I wasn't being optimistic enough. Then I started thinking, why do I always have to be optimistic? My goal for this blog was to be honest to give people a realistic idea of what being a birth mom is. And quite honestly, I don't feel optimistic or happy or smiley 100% of the time. So, here is what I wrote on the eve of Kinley's 2nd birthday:

It doesn't feel like it's little Kinley's 2nd birthday already. I feel so much different this year than last. I haven't let the emotions come. I've been pushing them away and trying to avoid them. I've been keeping myself busy. I feel guilty if I cry or feel sad. I don't want these emotions to effect this unborn child. Even though I know it will have little to no effect on her at all. I feel guilty if I feel sad because birthdays are supposed to be happy. I am happy, don't get me wrong! Kinley's birthdays are just bitter sweet because of their nature. I feel guilty if I feel sad because I don't want to create something awkward for Toby and Nicole. I am happy, I really am. I love talking about Kinley and my journey (obviously) but when July 7th rolls around, I just feel like crawling into a hole and not coming out until the 10th. Raw emotions come back and it feels so real. The vivid memories come flooding in like I'm being taken back in a time machine. Is it bad I haven't taken out "the box?" The box that stores the hospital bracelets, blankets, certificates. It's like a time capsule. I want to so badly open up the box, but I'm scared it will trigger all the emotions. I just don't want to feel them. I don't want to sort through the emotions. I don't want to cry and dry my face with a hundred tissues. I don't want to feel that pang in my heart. I know I need to because its healthy and normal, but I just don't want to. I want to just think happy thoughts. I want to just celebrate her birthday like a "normal" person. I want the sweet without the bitter.

The past week has been flooded with tiny memories. Like her first cry. That precious sound of a little baby, almost like a mouse because it was so little. The split second her little body came into this world and my sister and I just locked eyes and smiled in amazement that she was finally here. The moment they laid her on my chest. The moment I looked at her for the first time. I remember her being so little and I thought she was going to slip right out of my hands because she was all slimy. A beautiful slimy. I remember the rush of emotion I had when I held her for the first time. I couldn't help but cry myself. All I could do was sob in happiness. My first words were "Oh my baby! Shh baby. I love you baby." She was the most perfect thing on this earth. The moment I fed her for the first time. She was so hungry she was sucking her little hands so we gave her a bottle and she sucked it down. I was so worried I would not know how to take care of a baby, but from that moment on, I instantly knew what to do. I had the instinct to feed her, burp her, sooth her.

All these memories have been in the front of my mind. No matter how hard I've tried, I can't make them go away or wait until I'm ready to acknowledge them. The smells of the hospital, the sounds, everything is like I'm sitting in the hospital. I wish I could be back there. But at the same time, I wish the memories would just go on their merry way because of the emotions they bring with them.

Kinley isn't 6 pounds anymore. She is a 2 year old. She can walk, talk, run, and jump! She is a different person almost. I think thats what makes things hard. I've missed so much of her life. She calls someone else mommy. Someone else feeds her. Someone else soothes her. Yes, I am happy for her. I don't want to sound like I'm angry about it. I'm not. I am so so happy with how everything has turned out. I've had my closure and I'm taking control of my grieving process. I'd say I'm on top of it pretty well. I just feel its fair to be able to be honest and express the sad and real emotions that come this part of the year. I'm happy with my decision to place. I'm content and regret nothing about it. I wouldn't change a thing actually.

I still haven't brought myself to open "the box." I may not for a few weeks. Reliving those emotions are hard. I know we can do hard things, but I'm not ready. I think a big reason her birthday was a bit harder this year was because I didn't visit her. We agreed we would just have a visit around her birthday-which I'm so good with! As she gets older, she is going to have friend birthdays and how fun would it be for her to have to explain to all her friends who "that lady" is? Not fun and I totally respect that! I was able to FaceTime with Kinley though. She has grown so much and her vocabulary is exploding! She is so smart! Her and her sister love the movie, Frozen! She sang me some Frozen songs and showed me her Anna doll she got from her Uncle. She even told me her favorite food is Tacos! It was so great to talk with her and chat with Nicole. Kinley gets really excited when I talk with her and she is always saying "Lowa(Laura) watch this!" or "Lowa look here!" or "Lowa guess what?" 

It makes me feel so happy! I made her a little cake also. When she face timed me, I showed her the cake and I sang Happy Birthday to her! I just couldn't believe she used to be a tiny little baby and now she is a ball of energy and personality!

I also made Kinley a video which I burned onto a DVD for her here it is: (if the video doesn't play, here is the link)

Happy Birthday sweet Kinley! I love you so so much!

I Am So Blessed!

It's true! I really am! Some days I get the urge to just shout it from the roof tops- today is one of those days! I have been feeling the need to blog, but nothing was really coming to mind. I could think of some topics to rant about or share my opinion on some other adoption related things, but I just feel the need to express my gratitude I have towards this whole journey!

Many of you have either experienced first hand or have heard about the struggles and trials that come along with adoption, no matter which part of the triad you are on. But, I think sometimes society and the media gets stuck too much on the negative and doesn't share enough of the positives! So if you are wanting to read a nice long post about the amazing-ness of adoption, then you have come to the right place!

I'm a part of several birth mother/adoption groups and friends with many people who are a part of the "adoption world" and have come to find so much diversity in this small (but huge) community. I hear about birth mothers who don't have the support from their friends and families in their journey and I also hear about open adoptions being closed for selfish reasons. It makes me sad for these amazing women. They are facing unnecessary struggles! But at the same time, it makes me step back and think of all the things I am thankful for in my adoption journey. Two things in particular stand out the most to me that I am oh so grateful for: my immediate family's support and my amazing open adoption!

I couldn't imagine going through this journey without the support of my family! From the day I told my parents and siblings I was pregnant, they were on board with whatever support they could offer! They were there to support me if I chose to parent and also if I chose adoption! Sure, they were disappointed, but always supportive! My parents and siblings weren't just supportive of my choice to place, they have been so open about it also! They aren't afraid to talk about Kinley or refer to her as their grandchild or niece! They consider her part of our family- because she technically is! Some families don't even want to talk about their grandchild or niece/nephew who was placed (which is their choice and totally fine). It gives me a little flutter in my heart when I hear my mom count Kinley as one of her grand daughters! I love talking about Kinley (as you can tell) and it would make things really hard if my family kept her "hush- hush."

I was asked who my biggest support was throughout my pregnancy and placement, and I get a huge smile on my face when I can say my amazing mother was! My sisters were also, but my mom was there for most of it! Not every birth mother can say their family helped them along the way. I am so blessed to have had such big support from my family! I know the adoption didn't just impact me, but also my family. I am so grateful they stood by my side even though it was heartbreaking! This journey has truly brought me closer to my family, especially my dear mother!

Another thing I am so so beyond blessed to have is an amazing beautiful open relationship with not only Kinley, but her parents! I have expressed so much of what Nicole and Toby do to accommodate me in their lives, but honestly its impossible to express how it makes me feel! It is so easy for adoptive parents to say "well, its been long enough, this is too hard, we are closing this adoption," but they have never once said that and I have the faith they will never do that! They are true to their words and they go above and beyond what I could have ever imagined! They are busy raising two young girls and the fact that they think to send me a quick text or picture is just great! Nicole always thinks of the little things and is so good about keeping me updated and involved! It truly is a blessing! I really couldn't have asked for a better situation! Our adoption relationship may not work for others, but I feel it works perfect for us!

Well, now that I got all of that mushy stuff off my chest, I guess I should go to bed! Thanks again for reading my blog! I loving blogging and its the best way for me to heal! Sharing my story over and over again makes the grieving process a little easier and it lets me reflect on all the blessings I have! Adoption has blessed my life in so many ways and I want nothing more than for others to hear about the positive adoption stories and have the positives erase the horrible stereotypes! 

Why I'm Choosing to be Happy

So I've been a huge brat lately and I'll be the first to admit it! As a birth mother, still in the grieving/ healing process, it is really easy to play the "victim card" and kind of think the world is against you. And sadly, I was caught in that for a short time. I found myself over thinking things (yet again) with Nicole and Toby and just thinking people were being insensitive towards me. I mean COME ON I'm a birth mom - all should obsess over my sacrifice and I deserve a pat on the back every chance I get right? WRONG!!!

I read an amazing blog post written by another birth mom who is a big adoption advocate. I was able to meet her in person last month and I just adore her! You have probably heard of her also and adore her just as much- if not- you should! Anyways, her name is Ashley Mitchell and in her blog post titled, Victim of Adoption?, she does an amazing job at explaining her opinion of how birth moms should handle these kinds of situations. My post today is going to expand what I took from the second section she wrote about being the victim of the adoptive parents.

When I first read this part, to be honest it kind of hit me a weird way, probably because it totally opened my mind up to another aspect I never even thought of. As my birth mom journey progresses on, I have always known that visits with Kinley would become farther apart. Especially since Grant and I are married, we are our own family, just like Nicole, Toby, Taylee, and Kinley are all their own family. I know I have said multiple time that we are like a family, but that's just it- we are LIKE a family. Anyways- I always knew that there would come a time when there was a natural separation that would happen as time went on and the C family and I took our "separate ways." I don't mean this in a way that we never talk to each other again and we walk away from each  other, I mean it as we each have lives to live and there comes a time when we move on from the "new-placement" stage and live our lives and be productive and contribute back to life. Although adoption will forever be a part our lives, we don't have to dwell on it all the time. Anyways- after all the excitement wore off of Kinley's first birthday, we talked about her 2nd year. We decided visits would be a few more months in between. Me, being a brat, took it as a sign they wanted distance from me- which is true- but not in the way I was over thinking. Of course there needs to be distance- to have a healthy relationship with ANYONE you need some distance. But I made the mistake and pulled the "victim card."

Sometimes I think that I am entitled to things when it comes to Kinley and get upset if things don't go the way I imagined. But I love how Ashley says the adoptive parents don't owe us (birth moms) anything. It's so true- yeah I gave them a child- but that doesn't mean they are forever indebted to me. All I should expect is respect, but not because I'm a birth mom- because I am a person. the same respect I give the cashier at the grocery store or the guy walking down the street. And I want to make it clear that I 100% get this respect from them- I don't want to make it sound like I don't.

Like I said before, there is a natural separation that occurs every once in a while. This happened a few days before Kinley was born- I knew in my heart that I wasn't going to parent her, and I set up emotional-barriers to protect myself from unhealthy bonding. I love her no doubt, but I was preparing to love her in a different way than the typical expectant-mother. I also had this natural separation a few moments before I placed Kinley in her new mommy and daddy's arms. There was a part of me that just knew and felt it was time to place her. This natural separation occurred when Kinley was about 3 months old. It was the first time reality actually set in that I was not and never would be Kinley's parent. This natural separation happened again when Kinley turned 10 months old and I again detached part of my heart and realized I indeed would not be celebrating Mother's Day as a "normal" mom. And here we are at Kinley's almost 15 month mile stone and the natural separation is happening again. I am realizing that our lives are going on and time can't stand still. I don't want these separations to sound so sad and horrible, but they are hard realizations; but key to healing. When you are stubborn and hard-headed like me, you don't take these changes very well, and you try to find ways to blame others. In my case, there is no one to blame, no one.

I guess the whole point of this post is to let the world know, I AM CHOOSING TO BE HAPPY. I am choosing to embrace these changes and separations and I'm choosing to deal with them in a healthier way than playing "victim." I refuse to get hung up over stupid things and I refuse to neglect my own family and worry about Kinley's. She is taken care of- I know that- but I always still worry- can you blame me? I love her. Ashley talks about taking the "Guest star roll." I like how she puts that. When I was pregnant yes- maybe I was the "star roll"- but that was because Kinley (the actual star roll) was inside me. Choosing to place and be a birth mom means that I put Kinley first and I step aside. Which is harder said than done.  I feel like I never officially stepped down; until now and I have accepted that.

Instead of expecting the world and then some from Nicole and Toby, which is what I often find myself doing, I have decided to step back and let things happen on their own in their own timing. If you force things, chances are they aren't going to work out the way you wanted them to and usually you get your feelings hurt. Which is what happens when I force things with my adoption. Again- I'm not blaming the C family for being mean or anything- they don't know what I want. I'm just choosing to step back and be thankful for what I am given. Instead of being grumpy that an email was a few days or weeks late, I'm going to be grateful I got one- not all birth moms even get one email in a whole year. Instead of complaining I only get to see Kinley 3 times a year- I'm going to be so thankful her parents allow me to be in their lives allow me to see them! In the grand scheme of things- I am a very fortunate birth mom. I get to be involved in Kinley's life, I have some input on things, and I am aware of events in her life. I recently ordered prints of every single picture I own of Kinley and I put them in a photo album. One of the reasons was on case my computer or phone memory crashed, I would have hard-copies of them, but also to have an easy way to flip though pictures of my girl! Anyways- as I was going through all of these pictures I couldn't help but cry! Not because I miss her, but because I am so incredibly blessed to have more than 500 pictures of Kinley. In all stages of her life! It was at that moment that I wanted to slap myself and wash my mouth out with soap because how could I take all of that for granted? Sure, I don't get an email at exactly every week or month, but who cares? At least I get one!

So in conclusion, I'm going to put my "victim card" away- toss it in the fire actually- and put my big-girl panties on and start acting like a responsible woman. I am in charge of my feelings and only me. Starting today- I am stepping back from what I can't, and most importantly CHOSE not to be apart of, and I'm going to start focusing on my life I am in right now. I have waisted so much precious time when I could have maybe given my husband some un-divided attention or maybe helped out another person in need. My pretty girl is taken care if- her needs are being met- and I can't be more happy for that! Is it hard taking the "guest star" roll? oh yes- but is it necessary? Absolutely.

Until next time.

Adoption and My Family

The more I have dove into the "adoption world" and I have made new friends through social media, I have realized that not everyone knows about my family and how adoption has touched my family long before I ever became pregnant with Kinley. I guess I can start out my introducing my family, blog style and give everyone a little family history about the Gladdens.

My parents, Charles and Nancy Gladden were married in 1983.

I couldn't find any serious pictures of them anywhere- so this is all I have to show of my crazy parents

They had my oldest sister Jaala, a year later. She is now 29 and married to her wonderful husband Harrison.

Then, my brother charlie was born, and he is 28. He is married to his sweet wife Shawna.

They then had my older brother, Curtis, who is 26. He is married to his wife, Holly. Together they have  a cutie of a daughter, Noellee, who is 2.

My sister, Charnae, is next, she is 24. She is married to her husband, Dayle, and they have a precious daughter named Camille, who is 9 months old.

Then there is me, 20 years old and now married to Grant.

My little brother, Brok, who is 14.

And then my brother, Westley, who is 10.

3 years ago, we welcomed 3 more kids into our home via adoption.

Harve (6)

Christian (8)

and Audrey (4)

You may be asking why we adopted 3 more kids when my mom already had 7! My parent's adoption story is a bit unique. Harve, Christian, and Audrey were my cousins before adoption. Their birth parents were into drugs and the kids were not in a safe environment to be parented by them. They all have 2 other older siblings who were adopted by my other uncle. The kids were taken from their birth parents by the state, and my uncle (who adopted the other siblings) had custody of all the kids except Audrey. He took care of them while my parents got certified to foster/adopt. During the certification period, we would drive down to New Mexico and visit Harve and Christian and spend time with them for a few days. We were so excited to have new brothers. one of the trips down, my parents went to a meeting and they announced that there was a little girl also (Audrey). We didn't know about her at all. My dad was a little overwhelmed because they were not prepared to adopt a baby also. My mom cheerfully told the case workers that she would be happy to welcome a beautiful baby girl into our home. I am so glad she did!

One of the times we went to visit the kids, we got to visit Audrey. She was in a foster home at the time so the foster mother let Audrey stay at our hotel for the weekend we were there. We were so overjoyed to get to know her.

After months of paper work, and lots of interviews and all of that, my parents were finally able to become certified foster parents and we were able to welcome the "triplets" into our home. We call them the triplets because it was kind of like having triplets, even thought they all different ages.

I always forget that adoption is part of my family, because the triplets fit right in. They are like all of us, and "outsiders" would't even know the difference, other than they have different physical features than us. My parents' adoption story is unique because of all the circumstances that are different than Kinley's adoption and other infant, domestic and private adoptions.

We are so glad Harve, Christian, and Audrey are part of our family. I'm so blessed to have such a large family and I love all 9 of my siblings! They came to their forever home on May 1st, 2010.

This is my grandpa, Harve, and my dad at the final adoption hearing- look at my dad's face:)

And they were sealed to our parents on my parents' wedding anniversary in the Jordan River Temple (which is where they were married also) on July 5th 2011.

All of my siblings, except my oldest brother, Charlie, were able to be there

ADOPTION IS BEAUTIFUL!

One Year Older and Wiser too

Well guys- I survived my first year of being a birth mom. I'm here with all limbs and sanity still accounted for. I lost a few friends along the way, but I survived! It's so bitter sweet to think this time last year I was getting back on my feet after placing Kinley. It was the beginning of this journey and I didn't know what I was headed for. Like I said in my last blog- I'm sure glad I was chosen to be the one to take this journey because of all the lessons I've learned! I've come so far in this short year and when I compare myself to last year, I can't help but cry happy tears at how far I've come and all that I have over come.

Grant and I were able to travel down to see Kinley! It was such a great weekend! We never really get to spend a lot of time together, just us, because of work and other things life needs us for, so it was fun to spend 5 days interrupted together. We got to Utah a few days before our visit, so we got to do some hiking, swimming, and just relaxing. On the 4th, I ran a 5k race I have been training for, and it was so much fun! It felt good to accomplish this goal I set!

Kinley's party was the day before her actual birthday. It was at her grandparent's home. I am so grateful, they opened up their home to us to celebrate with them. Im not really sure if I have mentioned this before, but my favorite animal is an elephant. I usually make it a point to send Kinley any and all elephant things I find! I have an eye for elephants and I can spot elephants at almost any store. Anyways- Nicole knows this and she was so thoughtful to incorporate elephants as the theme of her party. The invitations had a big elephant on them, Kinley's cake was an elephant, there were elephant cookies, etc. I was in heaven! It also made me feel so good that Nicole thought of me when doing it all.

When we got to their house, Kinley was still sleeping so Nicole went up to wake her. I was soooo excited to see her! I woke up at like 6:30 am because I couldn't sleep!! When she brought her down- My heart melted! I hadn't seen her in so long- except in pictures- and she had grown so much! I almost didn't recognize her. I gave her the biggest hug and kiss. At first, she wasn't sure about me. It was like she knew I was a good person, but she wasn't sure why she liked me. after about 10 or so minutes, she warmed up and was fine. Grant says she knew who I was. I bought her an outfit and Nicole let it be her party dress. I know it's a small gesture, but it meant so much to me. She was kind of confused that I dressed her and was like "wait- why is this girl dressing me? I thought only mommy and daddy dressed me".

everyone got there, we ate and Nicole let me feed Kinley. It was so fun and she thought it was hilarious when I made airplane noises as I spooned her bananas.

She opened presents and Nicole invited me to sit up with them and help her open them. Again- something so small, but it meant a lot to me. It was fun to see her amazed at all the tissue paper and bows. And she got so excited over the toys and fun things she got.

Then she ate her cake. When we sang to her, she was a little confused why everyone was looking at her and singing, but when we sang "happy birthday, dear Kinley" she got a big smile on her face and giggled because we said her name. It was so cute. Nicole put her big cake in front of her and she didn't hesitate to dig right in. It was so funny that she was just going to town on it. She didn't want to eat it, she just wanted to throw it round and make a big mess! It got all in her hair and her bow and she even managed to fling it on some people who were standing close.

We went swimming after and I got to play with Kinley in the pool and watch her play and have fun. It was so fun to watch her interact with her cousins, aunts, uncles, and grandparents. She is such a loved little girl and her family is so wonderful.

The best part of her party was when I sat her up on my lap and I said "Kinley, say La La" she looked at my mouth and studied it really hard and then said "La La" it was so cool!! She giggled like "yep- I'm awesome" My heart was so full and happy. I'm sure she had no idea she made my day- but she did.

It was so fun to see Kinley's personality. She is such a happy baby. She never really cried unless she was tired or she got hurt! The last time I saw her, she was just barely army crawling, and now she is walking EVERYWHERE! she is also saying words! She says mommy, daddy, Taylee, Papa, uh oh, baby (which is her favorite word), and now La La. Everything is a baby. She points at animals and says "baby", she points to her doll and says "baby", and she points to pictures of her and says "baby" it's so cute! She kept taking my phone and pointing to the picture of her and saying "baby". It's so crazy how big and smart my pretty girl has gotten!

The next day- the 7th- was her actual birthday. We went to church with them and then went over to their house again and just hung out and visited. My mom, sister Charnae, her daughter Camille, and my other sister, Audrey drove down that morning and met up with us to see Kinley. I was so excited because Charnae hand't seen Kinley since she was born- and Camille was still in her tummy when Kinley was born- so they got to meet (and of course Kinley was calling Camille baby).

At her party, I gave Kinley fun little presents like toys and clothes, but on her actual birthday, I gave her some more sentimental gifts. I put together a photo album of pictures of me from the time I was born, until the time I gave birth (I looked through it with her, and- you guessed it- she said "baby" at every picture), I had my friends, who came and visited us in the hospital, write little letters to Kinley about what they remember about her, I got her the matching bracelet to my necklace- it says "forever in my heart" and has a charm that says "Laura", and then I got her a recordable book called "Wherever you are my love will follow", I also got her a blanket and my mom embroidered her name on it- I got her one when she was born also- so now she has a new one.

she's checkin out her bracelet

The rest of the time we just visited and played! My sister has a little squeaky giraffe toy for Camille and Kinley thought it was so funny! She played with it almost the whole time and just walked around laughing and had the biggest grin!

snuggles

I love her smile!

my mom and Kinley 

Audrey feeding her her water

playing with her

playing with her car with one finger

Well I'm done with the picture over load! When we left, my mom taught Kinley how to blow a kiss. I have a video of it- but it wont upload- so maybe later I will figure it out. She gave me a kiss goodbye and waved! I had such an awesome visit with her! I am so blessed to have such a great open adoption. I couldn't have asked for better parents for my baby girl. They love her as their own- and I can tell they are raising her to be the best little girl. It was so fun to see her personality and to interact with her. She is such a sweet girl and I think deep down- she knows what all is going on and feels the love from both her adoptive family and her birth family. I don't want to sound arrogant when I say this, but I truly feel that Kinley feels the bond that we have. Even though she is still so young- I feel like she knows who I am and she can feel my love. It's so heart-warming to see that all I have done to make sure she knows I lover her show! She is so loved and she has the life I always imagined my children to have- maybe not the same circumstances- but she has all the love and all the things she needs.

I was worried I would feel sad on her birthday- because it also marks when I kissed her goodbye- but instead I was overwhelmed with love and amazement at the person I created! I did, however, have a hard time on the 9th. That was her placement day. All the emotions were so real. I felt like I was back in the hospital with a broken heart. I had so much support from my family and friends though. I was able to bounce back and my day was better. It's amazing how fast I am able to bounce back after having my "moments". I have finally gotten the hang of knowing what to do to cope.

I wrote this on my Facebook page and I wanted to share it on here:

"Today marks strength and weakness. Today marks true love. 

Today marks heart break and healing. Today marks new beginnings and fresh starts. 

Today marks trust and hope. Today marks the day I gave my pretty girl a whole family, the best life, and the resources to grow. 

Today marks the hardest day of my life- and the hardest journey that has shaped who I am entirely. 

I wouldn't wish this upon anyone- but I am truly thankful Heavenly Father chose me. 

Today is hard- but we can do hard things."

So here is to another year of being a birth mom! I have gone through all my "firsts" so I'm ready to see what is in store for the 2nd year! until next time!