One, Two, Buckle My Shoe

Well, can you believe it? another year has gone by! I swear this second year went by way faster than the first. I hope the years don't pass by faster and faster each year.

I wrote this post the night before Kinley's birthday and almost deleted it because I felt like I wasn't being optimistic enough. Then I started thinking, why do I always have to be optimistic? My goal for this blog was to be honest to give people a realistic idea of what being a birth mom is. And quite honestly, I don't feel optimistic or happy or smiley 100% of the time. So, here is what I wrote on the eve of Kinley's 2nd birthday:

It doesn't feel like it's little Kinley's 2nd birthday already. I feel so much different this year than last. I haven't let the emotions come. I've been pushing them away and trying to avoid them. I've been keeping myself busy. I feel guilty if I cry or feel sad. I don't want these emotions to effect this unborn child. Even though I know it will have little to no effect on her at all. I feel guilty if I feel sad because birthdays are supposed to be happy. I am happy, don't get me wrong! Kinley's birthdays are just bitter sweet because of their nature. I feel guilty if I feel sad because I don't want to create something awkward for Toby and Nicole. I am happy, I really am. I love talking about Kinley and my journey (obviously) but when July 7th rolls around, I just feel like crawling into a hole and not coming out until the 10th. Raw emotions come back and it feels so real. The vivid memories come flooding in like I'm being taken back in a time machine. Is it bad I haven't taken out "the box?" The box that stores the hospital bracelets, blankets, certificates. It's like a time capsule. I want to so badly open up the box, but I'm scared it will trigger all the emotions. I just don't want to feel them. I don't want to sort through the emotions. I don't want to cry and dry my face with a hundred tissues. I don't want to feel that pang in my heart. I know I need to because its healthy and normal, but I just don't want to. I want to just think happy thoughts. I want to just celebrate her birthday like a "normal" person. I want the sweet without the bitter.

The past week has been flooded with tiny memories. Like her first cry. That precious sound of a little baby, almost like a mouse because it was so little. The split second her little body came into this world and my sister and I just locked eyes and smiled in amazement that she was finally here. The moment they laid her on my chest. The moment I looked at her for the first time. I remember her being so little and I thought she was going to slip right out of my hands because she was all slimy. A beautiful slimy. I remember the rush of emotion I had when I held her for the first time. I couldn't help but cry myself. All I could do was sob in happiness. My first words were "Oh my baby! Shh baby. I love you baby." She was the most perfect thing on this earth. The moment I fed her for the first time. She was so hungry she was sucking her little hands so we gave her a bottle and she sucked it down. I was so worried I would not know how to take care of a baby, but from that moment on, I instantly knew what to do. I had the instinct to feed her, burp her, sooth her.

All these memories have been in the front of my mind. No matter how hard I've tried, I can't make them go away or wait until I'm ready to acknowledge them. The smells of the hospital, the sounds, everything is like I'm sitting in the hospital. I wish I could be back there. But at the same time, I wish the memories would just go on their merry way because of the emotions they bring with them.

Kinley isn't 6 pounds anymore. She is a 2 year old. She can walk, talk, run, and jump! She is a different person almost. I think thats what makes things hard. I've missed so much of her life. She calls someone else mommy. Someone else feeds her. Someone else soothes her. Yes, I am happy for her. I don't want to sound like I'm angry about it. I'm not. I am so so happy with how everything has turned out. I've had my closure and I'm taking control of my grieving process. I'd say I'm on top of it pretty well. I just feel its fair to be able to be honest and express the sad and real emotions that come this part of the year. I'm happy with my decision to place. I'm content and regret nothing about it. I wouldn't change a thing actually.

I still haven't brought myself to open "the box." I may not for a few weeks. Reliving those emotions are hard. I know we can do hard things, but I'm not ready. I think a big reason her birthday was a bit harder this year was because I didn't visit her. We agreed we would just have a visit around her birthday-which I'm so good with! As she gets older, she is going to have friend birthdays and how fun would it be for her to have to explain to all her friends who "that lady" is? Not fun and I totally respect that! I was able to FaceTime with Kinley though. She has grown so much and her vocabulary is exploding! She is so smart! Her and her sister love the movie, Frozen! She sang me some Frozen songs and showed me her Anna doll she got from her Uncle. She even told me her favorite food is Tacos! It was so great to talk with her and chat with Nicole. Kinley gets really excited when I talk with her and she is always saying "Lowa(Laura) watch this!" or "Lowa look here!" or "Lowa guess what?" 

It makes me feel so happy! I made her a little cake also. When she face timed me, I showed her the cake and I sang Happy Birthday to her! I just couldn't believe she used to be a tiny little baby and now she is a ball of energy and personality!

I also made Kinley a video which I burned onto a DVD for her here it is: (if the video doesn't play, here is the link)

Happy Birthday sweet Kinley! I love you so so much!

I Am So Blessed!

It's true! I really am! Some days I get the urge to just shout it from the roof tops- today is one of those days! I have been feeling the need to blog, but nothing was really coming to mind. I could think of some topics to rant about or share my opinion on some other adoption related things, but I just feel the need to express my gratitude I have towards this whole journey!

Many of you have either experienced first hand or have heard about the struggles and trials that come along with adoption, no matter which part of the triad you are on. But, I think sometimes society and the media gets stuck too much on the negative and doesn't share enough of the positives! So if you are wanting to read a nice long post about the amazing-ness of adoption, then you have come to the right place!

I'm a part of several birth mother/adoption groups and friends with many people who are a part of the "adoption world" and have come to find so much diversity in this small (but huge) community. I hear about birth mothers who don't have the support from their friends and families in their journey and I also hear about open adoptions being closed for selfish reasons. It makes me sad for these amazing women. They are facing unnecessary struggles! But at the same time, it makes me step back and think of all the things I am thankful for in my adoption journey. Two things in particular stand out the most to me that I am oh so grateful for: my immediate family's support and my amazing open adoption!

I couldn't imagine going through this journey without the support of my family! From the day I told my parents and siblings I was pregnant, they were on board with whatever support they could offer! They were there to support me if I chose to parent and also if I chose adoption! Sure, they were disappointed, but always supportive! My parents and siblings weren't just supportive of my choice to place, they have been so open about it also! They aren't afraid to talk about Kinley or refer to her as their grandchild or niece! They consider her part of our family- because she technically is! Some families don't even want to talk about their grandchild or niece/nephew who was placed (which is their choice and totally fine). It gives me a little flutter in my heart when I hear my mom count Kinley as one of her grand daughters! I love talking about Kinley (as you can tell) and it would make things really hard if my family kept her "hush- hush."

I was asked who my biggest support was throughout my pregnancy and placement, and I get a huge smile on my face when I can say my amazing mother was! My sisters were also, but my mom was there for most of it! Not every birth mother can say their family helped them along the way. I am so blessed to have had such big support from my family! I know the adoption didn't just impact me, but also my family. I am so grateful they stood by my side even though it was heartbreaking! This journey has truly brought me closer to my family, especially my dear mother!

Another thing I am so so beyond blessed to have is an amazing beautiful open relationship with not only Kinley, but her parents! I have expressed so much of what Nicole and Toby do to accommodate me in their lives, but honestly its impossible to express how it makes me feel! It is so easy for adoptive parents to say "well, its been long enough, this is too hard, we are closing this adoption," but they have never once said that and I have the faith they will never do that! They are true to their words and they go above and beyond what I could have ever imagined! They are busy raising two young girls and the fact that they think to send me a quick text or picture is just great! Nicole always thinks of the little things and is so good about keeping me updated and involved! It truly is a blessing! I really couldn't have asked for a better situation! Our adoption relationship may not work for others, but I feel it works perfect for us!

Well, now that I got all of that mushy stuff off my chest, I guess I should go to bed! Thanks again for reading my blog! I loving blogging and its the best way for me to heal! Sharing my story over and over again makes the grieving process a little easier and it lets me reflect on all the blessings I have! Adoption has blessed my life in so many ways and I want nothing more than for others to hear about the positive adoption stories and have the positives erase the horrible stereotypes! 

Why I'm Choosing to be Happy

So I've been a huge brat lately and I'll be the first to admit it! As a birth mother, still in the grieving/ healing process, it is really easy to play the "victim card" and kind of think the world is against you. And sadly, I was caught in that for a short time. I found myself over thinking things (yet again) with Nicole and Toby and just thinking people were being insensitive towards me. I mean COME ON I'm a birth mom - all should obsess over my sacrifice and I deserve a pat on the back every chance I get right? WRONG!!!

I read an amazing blog post written by another birth mom who is a big adoption advocate. I was able to meet her in person last month and I just adore her! You have probably heard of her also and adore her just as much- if not- you should! Anyways, her name is Ashley Mitchell and in her blog post titled, Victim of Adoption?, she does an amazing job at explaining her opinion of how birth moms should handle these kinds of situations. My post today is going to expand what I took from the second section she wrote about being the victim of the adoptive parents.

When I first read this part, to be honest it kind of hit me a weird way, probably because it totally opened my mind up to another aspect I never even thought of. As my birth mom journey progresses on, I have always known that visits with Kinley would become farther apart. Especially since Grant and I are married, we are our own family, just like Nicole, Toby, Taylee, and Kinley are all their own family. I know I have said multiple time that we are like a family, but that's just it- we are LIKE a family. Anyways- I always knew that there would come a time when there was a natural separation that would happen as time went on and the C family and I took our "separate ways." I don't mean this in a way that we never talk to each other again and we walk away from each  other, I mean it as we each have lives to live and there comes a time when we move on from the "new-placement" stage and live our lives and be productive and contribute back to life. Although adoption will forever be a part our lives, we don't have to dwell on it all the time. Anyways- after all the excitement wore off of Kinley's first birthday, we talked about her 2nd year. We decided visits would be a few more months in between. Me, being a brat, took it as a sign they wanted distance from me- which is true- but not in the way I was over thinking. Of course there needs to be distance- to have a healthy relationship with ANYONE you need some distance. But I made the mistake and pulled the "victim card."

Sometimes I think that I am entitled to things when it comes to Kinley and get upset if things don't go the way I imagined. But I love how Ashley says the adoptive parents don't owe us (birth moms) anything. It's so true- yeah I gave them a child- but that doesn't mean they are forever indebted to me. All I should expect is respect, but not because I'm a birth mom- because I am a person. the same respect I give the cashier at the grocery store or the guy walking down the street. And I want to make it clear that I 100% get this respect from them- I don't want to make it sound like I don't.

Like I said before, there is a natural separation that occurs every once in a while. This happened a few days before Kinley was born- I knew in my heart that I wasn't going to parent her, and I set up emotional-barriers to protect myself from unhealthy bonding. I love her no doubt, but I was preparing to love her in a different way than the typical expectant-mother. I also had this natural separation a few moments before I placed Kinley in her new mommy and daddy's arms. There was a part of me that just knew and felt it was time to place her. This natural separation occurred when Kinley was about 3 months old. It was the first time reality actually set in that I was not and never would be Kinley's parent. This natural separation happened again when Kinley turned 10 months old and I again detached part of my heart and realized I indeed would not be celebrating Mother's Day as a "normal" mom. And here we are at Kinley's almost 15 month mile stone and the natural separation is happening again. I am realizing that our lives are going on and time can't stand still. I don't want these separations to sound so sad and horrible, but they are hard realizations; but key to healing. When you are stubborn and hard-headed like me, you don't take these changes very well, and you try to find ways to blame others. In my case, there is no one to blame, no one.

I guess the whole point of this post is to let the world know, I AM CHOOSING TO BE HAPPY. I am choosing to embrace these changes and separations and I'm choosing to deal with them in a healthier way than playing "victim." I refuse to get hung up over stupid things and I refuse to neglect my own family and worry about Kinley's. She is taken care of- I know that- but I always still worry- can you blame me? I love her. Ashley talks about taking the "Guest star roll." I like how she puts that. When I was pregnant yes- maybe I was the "star roll"- but that was because Kinley (the actual star roll) was inside me. Choosing to place and be a birth mom means that I put Kinley first and I step aside. Which is harder said than done.  I feel like I never officially stepped down; until now and I have accepted that.

Instead of expecting the world and then some from Nicole and Toby, which is what I often find myself doing, I have decided to step back and let things happen on their own in their own timing. If you force things, chances are they aren't going to work out the way you wanted them to and usually you get your feelings hurt. Which is what happens when I force things with my adoption. Again- I'm not blaming the C family for being mean or anything- they don't know what I want. I'm just choosing to step back and be thankful for what I am given. Instead of being grumpy that an email was a few days or weeks late, I'm going to be grateful I got one- not all birth moms even get one email in a whole year. Instead of complaining I only get to see Kinley 3 times a year- I'm going to be so thankful her parents allow me to be in their lives allow me to see them! In the grand scheme of things- I am a very fortunate birth mom. I get to be involved in Kinley's life, I have some input on things, and I am aware of events in her life. I recently ordered prints of every single picture I own of Kinley and I put them in a photo album. One of the reasons was on case my computer or phone memory crashed, I would have hard-copies of them, but also to have an easy way to flip though pictures of my girl! Anyways- as I was going through all of these pictures I couldn't help but cry! Not because I miss her, but because I am so incredibly blessed to have more than 500 pictures of Kinley. In all stages of her life! It was at that moment that I wanted to slap myself and wash my mouth out with soap because how could I take all of that for granted? Sure, I don't get an email at exactly every week or month, but who cares? At least I get one!

So in conclusion, I'm going to put my "victim card" away- toss it in the fire actually- and put my big-girl panties on and start acting like a responsible woman. I am in charge of my feelings and only me. Starting today- I am stepping back from what I can't, and most importantly CHOSE not to be apart of, and I'm going to start focusing on my life I am in right now. I have waisted so much precious time when I could have maybe given my husband some un-divided attention or maybe helped out another person in need. My pretty girl is taken care if- her needs are being met- and I can't be more happy for that! Is it hard taking the "guest star" roll? oh yes- but is it necessary? Absolutely.

Until next time.

One Year Older and Wiser too

Well guys- I survived my first year of being a birth mom. I'm here with all limbs and sanity still accounted for. I lost a few friends along the way, but I survived! It's so bitter sweet to think this time last year I was getting back on my feet after placing Kinley. It was the beginning of this journey and I didn't know what I was headed for. Like I said in my last blog- I'm sure glad I was chosen to be the one to take this journey because of all the lessons I've learned! I've come so far in this short year and when I compare myself to last year, I can't help but cry happy tears at how far I've come and all that I have over come.

Grant and I were able to travel down to see Kinley! It was such a great weekend! We never really get to spend a lot of time together, just us, because of work and other things life needs us for, so it was fun to spend 5 days interrupted together. We got to Utah a few days before our visit, so we got to do some hiking, swimming, and just relaxing. On the 4th, I ran a 5k race I have been training for, and it was so much fun! It felt good to accomplish this goal I set!

Kinley's party was the day before her actual birthday. It was at her grandparent's home. I am so grateful, they opened up their home to us to celebrate with them. Im not really sure if I have mentioned this before, but my favorite animal is an elephant. I usually make it a point to send Kinley any and all elephant things I find! I have an eye for elephants and I can spot elephants at almost any store. Anyways- Nicole knows this and she was so thoughtful to incorporate elephants as the theme of her party. The invitations had a big elephant on them, Kinley's cake was an elephant, there were elephant cookies, etc. I was in heaven! It also made me feel so good that Nicole thought of me when doing it all.

When we got to their house, Kinley was still sleeping so Nicole went up to wake her. I was soooo excited to see her! I woke up at like 6:30 am because I couldn't sleep!! When she brought her down- My heart melted! I hadn't seen her in so long- except in pictures- and she had grown so much! I almost didn't recognize her. I gave her the biggest hug and kiss. At first, she wasn't sure about me. It was like she knew I was a good person, but she wasn't sure why she liked me. after about 10 or so minutes, she warmed up and was fine. Grant says she knew who I was. I bought her an outfit and Nicole let it be her party dress. I know it's a small gesture, but it meant so much to me. She was kind of confused that I dressed her and was like "wait- why is this girl dressing me? I thought only mommy and daddy dressed me".

everyone got there, we ate and Nicole let me feed Kinley. It was so fun and she thought it was hilarious when I made airplane noises as I spooned her bananas.

She opened presents and Nicole invited me to sit up with them and help her open them. Again- something so small, but it meant a lot to me. It was fun to see her amazed at all the tissue paper and bows. And she got so excited over the toys and fun things she got.

Then she ate her cake. When we sang to her, she was a little confused why everyone was looking at her and singing, but when we sang "happy birthday, dear Kinley" she got a big smile on her face and giggled because we said her name. It was so cute. Nicole put her big cake in front of her and she didn't hesitate to dig right in. It was so funny that she was just going to town on it. She didn't want to eat it, she just wanted to throw it round and make a big mess! It got all in her hair and her bow and she even managed to fling it on some people who were standing close.

We went swimming after and I got to play with Kinley in the pool and watch her play and have fun. It was so fun to watch her interact with her cousins, aunts, uncles, and grandparents. She is such a loved little girl and her family is so wonderful.

The best part of her party was when I sat her up on my lap and I said "Kinley, say La La" she looked at my mouth and studied it really hard and then said "La La" it was so cool!! She giggled like "yep- I'm awesome" My heart was so full and happy. I'm sure she had no idea she made my day- but she did.

It was so fun to see Kinley's personality. She is such a happy baby. She never really cried unless she was tired or she got hurt! The last time I saw her, she was just barely army crawling, and now she is walking EVERYWHERE! she is also saying words! She says mommy, daddy, Taylee, Papa, uh oh, baby (which is her favorite word), and now La La. Everything is a baby. She points at animals and says "baby", she points to her doll and says "baby", and she points to pictures of her and says "baby" it's so cute! She kept taking my phone and pointing to the picture of her and saying "baby". It's so crazy how big and smart my pretty girl has gotten!

The next day- the 7th- was her actual birthday. We went to church with them and then went over to their house again and just hung out and visited. My mom, sister Charnae, her daughter Camille, and my other sister, Audrey drove down that morning and met up with us to see Kinley. I was so excited because Charnae hand't seen Kinley since she was born- and Camille was still in her tummy when Kinley was born- so they got to meet (and of course Kinley was calling Camille baby).

At her party, I gave Kinley fun little presents like toys and clothes, but on her actual birthday, I gave her some more sentimental gifts. I put together a photo album of pictures of me from the time I was born, until the time I gave birth (I looked through it with her, and- you guessed it- she said "baby" at every picture), I had my friends, who came and visited us in the hospital, write little letters to Kinley about what they remember about her, I got her the matching bracelet to my necklace- it says "forever in my heart" and has a charm that says "Laura", and then I got her a recordable book called "Wherever you are my love will follow", I also got her a blanket and my mom embroidered her name on it- I got her one when she was born also- so now she has a new one.

she's checkin out her bracelet

The rest of the time we just visited and played! My sister has a little squeaky giraffe toy for Camille and Kinley thought it was so funny! She played with it almost the whole time and just walked around laughing and had the biggest grin!

snuggles

I love her smile!

my mom and Kinley 

Audrey feeding her her water

playing with her

playing with her car with one finger

Well I'm done with the picture over load! When we left, my mom taught Kinley how to blow a kiss. I have a video of it- but it wont upload- so maybe later I will figure it out. She gave me a kiss goodbye and waved! I had such an awesome visit with her! I am so blessed to have such a great open adoption. I couldn't have asked for better parents for my baby girl. They love her as their own- and I can tell they are raising her to be the best little girl. It was so fun to see her personality and to interact with her. She is such a sweet girl and I think deep down- she knows what all is going on and feels the love from both her adoptive family and her birth family. I don't want to sound arrogant when I say this, but I truly feel that Kinley feels the bond that we have. Even though she is still so young- I feel like she knows who I am and she can feel my love. It's so heart-warming to see that all I have done to make sure she knows I lover her show! She is so loved and she has the life I always imagined my children to have- maybe not the same circumstances- but she has all the love and all the things she needs.

I was worried I would feel sad on her birthday- because it also marks when I kissed her goodbye- but instead I was overwhelmed with love and amazement at the person I created! I did, however, have a hard time on the 9th. That was her placement day. All the emotions were so real. I felt like I was back in the hospital with a broken heart. I had so much support from my family and friends though. I was able to bounce back and my day was better. It's amazing how fast I am able to bounce back after having my "moments". I have finally gotten the hang of knowing what to do to cope.

I wrote this on my Facebook page and I wanted to share it on here:

"Today marks strength and weakness. Today marks true love. 

Today marks heart break and healing. Today marks new beginnings and fresh starts. 

Today marks trust and hope. Today marks the day I gave my pretty girl a whole family, the best life, and the resources to grow. 

Today marks the hardest day of my life- and the hardest journey that has shaped who I am entirely. 

I wouldn't wish this upon anyone- but I am truly thankful Heavenly Father chose me. 

Today is hard- but we can do hard things."

So here is to another year of being a birth mom! I have gone through all my "firsts" so I'm ready to see what is in store for the 2nd year! until next time! 

What My Adoption Journey Has Taught Me: The First Year

Although, I have only been at this whole adoption journey for a year, there has been so much I have learned! I, first of all, can't believe it will be a year on Sunday that I gave birth to the most amazing little girl! Time has flown, but it also has stood still! I wanted to write this blog because I often find myself reflecting on the changed person I have become in this eventful year and I wanted to write them all down in one place!

Although, I would never want to do this whole adoption over again or wish it upon someone, I am so thankful to my Heavenly Father I was the chosen one to do the job. My life has changed in almost every aspect because of this, and I truly feel, it has saved my life. So I guess I'll start listing all of the things I've learned this past year:

1. How to trust

From the very beginning of my pregnancy, I had to learn to trust in The Lord. I was in the darkest part of my life, and I had nowhere else to turn than to my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. I have learned to trust in Him that if I do what I'm supposed to, I will be blessed and things will work out. So many times I didn't know if I was doing the right thing (choosing adoption) because I was so scared and I wasn't sure how I was going to go through with it. But had to trust The Lord that he would help me along the way. I still to this day, underestimate this sometimes, but I've never been let down.

Another aspect of trust I've learned, is the people in my earthly life I have learned to trust. My family is one. I have grown so close to my parents and siblings through this journey. I've learned no matter what mistakes I've made, they are going to be there to support me every step of the way. I've also discovered which friends I have that I can count on. People i least expected to be by my side through this year have shown me what real friends are. Along with learning who to trust, I've also, unfortunately, have had to learn who not to trust. When hard times come, people's true colors show, and I have sadly had to witness people fade out of my life.

2. How to love

The moment I found out I was pregnant, I had a sense of what "A Mother's Love" is. As my pregnancy went on, I created the most amazing bond with Kinley that is like no other. And when she was born, the most powerful sense of love flooded my heart and body! I had never loved something so much as that 6 pound baby. Nothing can compare to what that little girl does to my heart. I always wondered what true love was, and Kinley proved it to me int he first second she was born. When I was dating Grant, I knew I had fallen in love with him, because a lot of the same feelings I had when Kinley was born, I had with Grant. Grant and I share a different love than Kinley and I, but Kinley taught me what true love feels like, and in turn, I was able to know when I was truly in love with Grant.

3. How to look at the big picture

When I became pregnant, was the start of this. I was now taking care of another person, so I had to think before I did anything. Choosing adoption, in itself, was looking at the big picture. I had to set all my emotions to the side, and think about what was best for my little peanut.
every time I had melt downs, I would always remember why I was doing adoption. Even in the hospital, when I didm't want to say goodbye, I had to tell myself "This is for her, not me.". If it were all for me, I would have parented her, but Kinley was more important than me, at the time.

Even still now I have to look at the big picture. Whenever my mind starts wondering off and thinking what if- I have to bring myself back to home- plate and remember I did everything for Kinley. All of my decisions are based off of if Kinley would be proud of me. She is always that little voice on my shoulder.

4. How to express myself

Before this whole journey, I was very good at hiding my feelings and keeping them bottled inside for no one to know. And when I would share them, I didn't really know how to express them the way I wanted. When I was pregnant, I started going to counseling. I was able to learn how to express my feelings and not be afraid of admitting them. It had helped me so much because I don't feel like I get trampled on as easy and I am able to resolve things. I have even started this blog, which I never would have imagined a few years ago! It's such a new thing for me to spill my heart out to my computer, but I find it so therapeutic.

Even with Nicole and Toby, I have had to learn to express my feelings to them, and for them the same i'm sure with me.

5. How to be a friend

I've never really had a tragic thing happen to me where I've needed my friends or support until now. I've really learned how to be a friend from my friends' examples. They have shown me that you don't need to have all the answers to give good advice, you just need an open ear and their best interest at heart. My friends have stepped up to the plate and have taught me how to be a friend.

6. How to be open minded

Being a teen mom, pregnant out of wed-lock, AND choosing adoption are all things against "the norm". Being the one in the situation really opened my mind that ANY one can fall into this. I wouldn't say I was mean to the girls in my high school who were pregnant, but I didn't really lend out a hand either. I always thought they chose to be pregnant and they wanted to be teen mothers. Falling a "victim" of this, I totally dropped all stereotypes I ever had concerning pregnancy and adoption. I am proud to say I don't judge people as harshly as I used to. I try to imagine their life situations before making any judgments, and I feel like I have been a lot more open to learning about others' situations.

Even in the adoption world, there are different kinds of scenarios. With getting my hands wet in the birth mom support area, I have learned to even have an open mind with other birth mothers. We all come from different back grounds and situations, and we all made our decisions based on different things, but with all the same best interest in mind; our babies.

7. How to be patient

I would not consider myself patient by any means. I'm the type of person who wants things now and I don't want to wait. I learned I had to be patient in waiting for my due date. I had to be patient in finding Kinley's adoptive family. I also had to be patient in The Lord's timing. I still have the tendency to want to rush things, but I think I've come a long way. Heavenly Father has a tie frame for things and I've had to learn to let go and let God. And again-  I have never been let down by waiting for things.

8. How to be a mother

This last one is so dear to me. I get told all the time that I'm not a mother. But- I AM a mother! I am and will always be Kinley's first mother. I may not be her parent, but I am her mother. Even though I may not parent Kinley or see her everyday, doesn't mean those "motherly instincts" turned off. I still always have her best interest on mind. I think so much differently and I credit Kinley for that (all in good ways of course). I don't consider myself a typical 20 year old. I don't find partying appealing. I don't really care if I'm watching the right shows or going to the coolest concerts. My whole mind-set has totally altered. I think about what kind of mother I want to be when it's my turn. I think of all the things I can do for Miss Kinley. From this experience, I have been taught a lot of the things I find are important to be a "real" mother some day. It makes me more and more excited to be a parent.


This is all I could think of. There are probably so many more things I could list, but these are the ones I find the most prominent. This year has changed my life; for the better of course. I have grown into a strong woman (brag time;)) and I couldn't have done it without my friends, family, and of course, Heavenly Father. I know that I am so new to this process, but I feel I have mastered a small portion of being a birth mom. Knowing I have my whole life left of this, both scares me but also excites me. It's scary to know I will be carrying this grief with me, but it excites me to be able to learn more things to add to my list. This has been a roller coaster year: I placed Kinley, moved to Vegas, got engaged, moved back to Colorado, got married, we've added a dog and a cat to our little family, and all the other things life throws at us. It's been crazy, but I wouldn't change one thing!

Thank you all- friends and strangers- for reading my blog. I have gotten so many inspiring comments and it makes me more and more excited to blog! Stay tuned for an update for Kinley's birthday! Have a wonderful and safe 4th of July- and for those of you in other countries- have a fun and safe weekend!

Birth Mom Support

I have been in the mood to blog the past few weeks, but I haven't anything to really talk about. I decided to write this post about my birth mom support page I created back in November.

I am part of a support group on FaceBook and I love being able to ask other birth moms adoption question and to vent about birth mom related problems. It's been so amazing, all the women I have met and became virtual friends with. The only thing was that I don't use FaceBook all that much. I use Instagram like a crazy maniac though. And I searched far and wide for a support group there. Without any luck, I decided to create one of my own. Instagram is a social media site for smart phone and tablet users to post pictures and pictures only. It's sort of like Twitter- but for only pictures. I LOVE taking pictures and it's a fun way to interact with people. Anyways- I created this page- hoping to help other birthmothers by posting inspirational quotes and re-posting other birth mom's pics that wanted them shared.

I absolutely enjoy running this page. I have found it has helped me more than anything. It's so cool; the many birth moms I have met and a few I have become so close with. The page has received over 300 followers and it has been a real success. I love logging in and seeing other birth moms' posts, comments, and journeys. It has really opened my eyes to other birth moms' points of views also. It's amazing that we all come from different situations; some of us have the support from the birth dads, some of us don't, some have no family support, some do, some placed 20 years ago, some placed 20 days ago. It's just a sweet place to go and join together as a "birth mom community". I love my birth mom friends. Even though I have never met most of them in person, I love them and consider them my best friends. We are all quick to surround each other with love and support and offer advice and experience in situations. Ah- I just can't say enough great stuff about this page! It's awesome to see followers who are adoptive parents or adoptees who comment with their gratitude for the page. It's also great to hear positive things from people who just happened to stumble upon the page.

Enough about the page- here is a link! come visit and follow:) even if you aren't apart of the "adoption community".


Something else that is kind of off subject, but related, is that a dear friend of mine and her husband have been trying to adopt for a while and were matched with a birth mom a few months ago. Their birth mom is moving here for pregnancy and birth! I am so excited to meet her next week and show her some birth mom support! I went to lunch with my friend and my other birth mom friend today and we talked all about adoption and it was so fun! We talked for a good 2 1/2 hours! I love them and I am so excited to meet this new birth mom!


Well that is all for this post! Next post will be so exciting! Kinley turns ONE in 3 weeks!!! I know- I can't believe it! I will have pictures and post up as soon as possible! Grant and I will be traveling to be a part of her birthday party! I am so blessed and grateful to be able to be involved! have a great weekend and happy Father's Day to all you daddies on Sunday! :)

Mother's Day

Today has really been a bitter-sweet day for me. To be honest, I have been dreading Mother's Day for the past few weeks. Mostly because I didn't really know what to expect or how I would feel. It is hard thinking that last Mother's Day I was pregnant and I felt more of a mom then than I do today. I was caring for my peanut and was "with" her 24/7. Today, I am baby less, not with her, and that is a hard thing to face. I know that I am a real mother, but it isn't the same when your child doesn't call you mom and you cant do those "motherly" things for her everyday.

Yesterday was Birth Mother's Day. I knew the Saturday before MD is always BMD, and I was actually pretty excited about it. I was excited that birthmothers had a day to be honored by others for our sacrifices and etc. I was actually going to blog yesterday and promote it and get all into it. But I read a BLOG a few days before about a birth mother who doesn't celebrate BMD. It really put things into perspective and I too decided that I would rather celebrate MD, even if it is painful. I think that it is great that there is a BMD, but I don't think that it should be the day before MD. It's a great feeling to be acknowledged for my sacrifice and great strength, but at the same time, I would rather be acknowledged for be the real mother I am. No, I don't parent Kinley, but I did give her life and I provided her with all I could offer, which I feel is what real mothers do. I think that having BMD the day before kind of pushes birthmothers away from MD. Maybe if BMD was another part of the year or something, it would be better. Anyways- I hope that makes sense.

Grant and I went to the temple yesterday. I purposely had us go so that I could get lost in The Lord's work instead of focussing on this weekend. It was a great time. We drove down to Monticello and had long conversations and laughed and had a great road trip. The temple was amazing of course, and the spirit was so strong. I love being in The Lord's house. There is nothing more peaceful than the temple.

 We had lunch in Moab and then drove the rest of the way back home. We got on the subject of MD and I expressed my concerns and sadness I was having for the day. He was so caring and he tried to comfort me the best he could. We spent the rest of the day cleaning and just relaxing. Grant surprised me with a dozen red roses. He said he wasn't going to get me anything because he wasn't sure if I wanted to just ignore MD as a whole or what. But he decided to get me some and it melted my heart how caring and supportive he is. I must add that Grant isn't a present person. Not because he is not a giving person or anything, he just isn't a huge present-giving person. So for him to get me flowers, it was a huge thing in its self. We packed some lunchables in the car and we went star gazing out at a trail. He made my day so much better.

When I woke up this morning, I didn't really want to got o church. Mostly because it's Mother's Day and they always talk about mothers and how amazing they are and all of that. Don't get me wrong- I LOVE my mom- it's just today is rough because I'm not the "typical" mother. I drug myself out of bed and we went to church and kept my cool pretty well until the little kids got up and sang a song to their mothers. I lost it. I sobbed and sobbed. It's just really painful that I don't have my baby and that she won't sing those songs for me when she is older. The words to the song they sang are as followed:

Mother, I love you; mother, I do.
Father in heaven has sent me to you.
When I am near you. I love to hear you
Singing so softly that you love me too.

It is such a sweet song, but so painful to hear in my situation. I can't wait for the day I have children of my own and for them to be able to sing me those songs.

I was a basket case the rest of the day and my emotions were on major edge- I just wanted to sleep- which is what I do when I'm down. And as I was getting ready to dose off, Nicole texted me and asked if I wanted to Face Time with Kinley. I about had a heart attack. I hadn't really talked to them in a few weeks and really wasn't expecting anything. It made my day just to see my pretty girl! She is so big and she is crawling all over the place. Her teeth are growing in and she is jabbering a lot. Something so simple as video chatting made my day so much better.

Happy Mother's Day to all you mothers. But especially Happy Mother's Day to all you birth mothers. I hope all my birth mom friends are handling today well and I am so grateful for my wonderful husband and all he does.

Adoption is about choice, not coercion

I have a confession. I watch 16 and Pregnant and all the Teen Mom shows. It's so lame, I know, but I like to learn about teen pregnancy and I have a small obsession with reality TV. Anyways, I have been watching the earlier episodes of 16 and pregnant and in the first season, there is the famous episode of Caitlyn & Tyler who chose adoption for their daughter, Carly. Everyone knows them as the big adoptive advocates and also cast members of Teen Mom. I never realized there was also another girl who chose adoption in the 2nd season. I think it is awesome that MTV is willing to show girls who choose to place . I personally would not want cameras in my face during my painfully emotional journey, but I think it is awesome that there are girls who are willing to show the world in depth what their experience was like.

The reason I am sharing this episode and my opinion is because I was truly upset and I felt so bad for this girl. I thought she was treated unfairly by her parents and I feel like she didnt have a fair chance in her decision to place. Let me give you a little background.

Lori was 17 years old and she attended an all girls Catholic high school. She was adopted when she was a newborn and she does not know her birth mom.  Lori became pregnant at 17 by her ex boyfriend, Cory. Lori's parents did not take this news well (what parent would?) they were greatly disappointed and they really wanted Lori to place her son for adoption. Lori and Cory didn't want to place because they were too attached to the baby and couldn't imagine placing him. *I want to add that all of these feelings Lori and Cory are having, I feel, are completely ok and normal. I too had/have lots of attachment to Kinley* Throughout the whole episode, Lori's mom would always add her 2 cents in about adoption and how she needs to choose it because they are not ready to be parents *Valid point* Lori and Cory were broken up and had no plans on getting back together but they felt they were ready to take on the challenge of being parents. Lori's friends wanted to throw her a baby shower and Lori's mom said noway. Her mom said that no one should be excited about her baby because of the way he was being brought into this world (Unmarried, teenagers, etc...) *I was so offended by this. Just because a baby was not conceived or born into an "ideal" family does NOT mean the baby should not be unwelcome. Any and all babies are precious gifts. Even if the baby was parented by drug addicts living in a cardboard box.. All babies should feel welcomed and no woman should feel shamed for their mistakes or decisions. especially by her mother!* Lori was so torn between parenting and adoption because she truly wanted to parent and her parents disapproved. It was getting down to the last months of Lori's pregnancy and she hadn't made an official decision. Her parents kept lecturing Lori about how she needed to be honest with them about what she really wanted. Lori always reassured them that she honestly didn't know what she wanted to do. *In my own experience, I had times when I wasn't sure if adoption was right. I felt a little indecisive at times. I felt for Lori in this way because she WAS being honest with her parents, she just wasn't giving them the answer they wanted to hear.* Cory decided he felt it was best to go through with adoption and Lori felt blindsided because he wasn't on her side. They met with a couple and they seemed to be just right and then a few weeks later- the adoptive couple backed out because they didn't feel it was enough time to start the adoptive process. Lori and Cory felt hurt *I would* and they were questioning their decisions. At this time, they had about 2 weeks until "D- day" and they were kicked back to square one. Cory decided he wanted to parent again and Lori felt stuck because her parents were pressuring her. She ended up picking a couple and when the baby was born, she spent her hospital stay with her son and placed him with his new family.

I felt connected with Lori through out the whole episode, in that we are both birth moms. I however, did NOT agree with her parent's roll in her decision. I know that she was only 17, but I still feel adoption has to be the birthmother's 100% decision. Adoption is a permanent thing and for her to regret her decision is something she would effect for the rest of her life. That is something no girl should have in her life. From watching this episode I wish I could reach out to Lori. I feel she was not given all the appropriate resources she needed to choose adoption and get ready for it. Her mom set a meeting up with another birth mom who had a positive experience, which is a great resource, but I feel like Lori needed to see an adoption counselor and do some research. It seemed like her mom was over bearing and controlling. When Lori was at a doctor's appointment, her doctor told her it wouldn't be a good idea to be with the baby after he was born because it would be too emotionally painful. I was so livid when I heard this. That doctor is an OBGYN NOT a therapist. That doctor doesn't know anything about emotions of a birth mom. I was screaming at the show saying "DON'T LISTEN TO HER!!" all birth moms need to have 100% control over their hospital plan. I was grateful she ended up being with the baby for a few days because I truly feel she would regret those bonding moments. The whole episode was aggravating because Lori never really had the chance to decide for herself. It seemed her mom made all the decisions and her mom wanted Lori to place because of her own personal reputation. Her mom expressed how embarrassed and shameful it felt to have a teen mom for a daughter. What an awful thing to say. I would feel so sad if my parents ever said that to me. At the very end of the episode, it shows Lori and her parents having a conversation post-placement. Her mom said "Aren't you glad all these fears are all gone now?" Oh my, how livid I was after hearing this. ALL FEARS BEHIND? I think her mom is a complete moron. She clearly does not know all the fears and struggles that COME because of placement (see previous blog post). It's not just rainbows and butterflies after placement. It is more like hell. After her mom said that, I am truly convinced she wanted Lori to choose adoption so that she could forget about it like it never happened, which is an absurd way to look at it.

I truly hope that Lori was able to come to peace with her placement and I really hope that she had some kind of say in her situation. I am a big adoption advocate, but not in the event of coercion. Even if Lori was 17 years old, her baby is 100% hers and not her mother's and she shouldn't feel forced to do things her mother's way; Especially when it comes to adoption, when it permanent. I so wish I could give her a little insight on adoption and a huge hug for that matter.

I know that reality TV shows don't show what really goes on 100%, so all my opinions are based on what was televised, but the way MTV portrayed her story, I was totally upset. All birth moms need time to research adoption and feel confident about their choice and also get ready for the "hand over". It's the hardest thing a woman will ever do and something that can't just be chosen because her mom or dad said she needs to. It's a HUGE life decision that effects EVERY aspect of her life forever. That's why I created the quote- "Adoption is about choice, not coercion" I included the link to the episode below, if you are interested in watching it!

16 and Pregnant (Season 2) | Ep. 5 | Lori: Lori's parents want her to choose adoption, but as someone who was adopted herself, Lori doesn't want her baby to be haunted by all that's haunted her. But with an unreliable ex-boyfriend, she eventually realizes it may be the only option.

Fears

Everyone has at least one fear. Whether it be heights, spiders, the dark, or the boogy man. Before I placed Kinley for adoption I had these fears also. The dark and heights being a few. After placement though- I have developed a few more that are bit bigger than the lack of light or looking over ledges. I always thought I was being silly, but the more I have expressed publicly, I have found lots of other birthmothers have the same fears.

1. Not being able to be a mom
I have heard stories of women giving birth normally with no complications and then having something go wrong after delivery and they can no longer have children or women who's bodies just don't want to have babies again. I always fear that my body will only be able to have one child and that was Kinley, who I'm not parenting. I've also feared that I would marry a man that is sterile. It's close to impossible that these things would happen, but it's always in the back of my mind.

2. Kinley feeling unwanted
I've been learning a lot about the different sides of adoption and I have come across a few angry adoptees. They express how they feel unwanted and confused about their adoption and don't know why their birthmothers 'gave them up'. There's also anger involved when expressing their feelings and they just can't understand why they were placed with their adopted family. I sometimes fear Kinley will feel this way when she is older. I fear that she will be bitter towards me and feel alone and never be able to forgive me or understand my reasonings for adoption.

Toby and Nicole are amazing people and they are doing a wonderful job at raising my princess. I know that they will tell Kinley everything and be open to her about this whole journey and I know that they will do everything in their power to provide Kinley with enough love that she won't ever have to feel lonely or unwanted. This is one of the biggest reasons for my blog- to write down my feelings so that Kinley will be able to come and read what is going through my mind and know that placing her was everything but abandonment and not wanting her. I make it a priority to send her at least a letter often to update her on my life and to express my love to her. My door will always be open for her. I can't wait for her to become older and be able to ask me questions and things.

3. Finding someone who will accept me and my decisions
This fear has been booted out because I have found an amazing man who supports and accepts my past. But before I met him, I feared I would find an amazing guy and build a great relationship with him and then tell him about Kinley and have him back out of the relationship or judge me harshly. It's pretty big news to tell someone you had a baby and placed her. It brings 'having baggage' to a whole new level. There are lots of emotional ups and downs they have to be patient with and lots of sympathy and understanding that comes right along with it. I also feared that I would tell a guy about Kinley and they wouldn't be supportive of the open adoption. I was scared they would think it was weird to have visits and contact with this baby that wasn't even theirs.

I have been so blessed to have found a guy who is so open minded and understanding towards my decisions with Kinley. Grant was a friend throughout my pregnancy and he was a friend after. He has made room in his heart not only for me, but for sweet Kinley. He is so willing and excited to come to visits with me. He gets a huge smile when I receive pictures of her, and he is most of all so patient with my emotional side with the adoption. He wasn't there for the placement, but he has done all he can to try and understand the adoption. He doesn't know 100% what I go through and feel, but he is always there to wipe my tears and just hold me when it has been a rough day. I was so so scared I would always be alone and that no one would be kind-hearted enough to step up and take care of me, but I was proven wrong(thanks babe).


These have been my biggest worries and I have come to realize that a lot of other birth moms have the same fears. I'm not saying that all birthmothers have all these same exact fears, I'm just saying that it is so interesting that through one similar life-changing experience (placement)  birth mothers can relate so well to one another.

Why Now?

I'm usually very positive in my posts, but I've been pretty frustrated and stressed the past little while. So if you don't want to hear me rant a bit- then you should just close the window right now. I've said before that birth moms have such crazy emotions that are up and down and they come very sudden and at random times. Sometimes you will be having a great day and out of nowhere, sad and lonely feelings sneak up from behind and hit you in the face! Anyways- I've been having those kinds of 'sneak attacks' lately.

About a month ago I received the most shocking and quite scary phone call. From who you may ask birth dad. *gasp* yeah I know my jaw dropped to the floor too. I panicked. My heart was beating out of my chest and my mouth got so dry. Not because of excitement, but out of pure fear! Let me remind you, I hadn't heard a single word from this person in over a year! The last words spoken to me were 'don't ever talk to me again. I don't care about you or that baby'. When I saw his name on my phone I about died. I pushed the ignore button because I didn't know what the heck to do.

I waited a few minutes before I called him back. I had to prepare myself for what he had to say. I was hoping he butt dialed me or something. What could he possibly need to talk about after a year? I had been so mad and wanted him to call or show some interest in Kinley, and now that that was possibly happening, I panicked. Do you blame me though?

I called back and he told me that he wanted to meet Kinley. He didn't know her name until I told him. He didn't know really anything about her. He had never seen a picture of her, didn't know who she was, nothing. It was so strange that I was talking to him. The result of the conversation was that I'd give his email to Toby and Nicole and they could handle everything. I don't want to be the middle man for the rest of Kinley's life and also, Toby and Nicole are her parents and they are the ones who have all the say that goes on. I told him that I wanted to be there if he was ever allowed to meet her, and he agreed. I emailed him a few pictures of Kinley so that he knew what she looked like. He kind of apologized for what had happened between us and asked if we could just forget about the past and move on. And let me tell you how angry this made me. Do you all remember the long post I made a few months ago about how much anger and hatred I had for him and his fiancé? This situation isn't something we can just 'put in the past' or 'forget about'. Maybe if we just had a bad break up or something, but this is all about A PERSON! MY baby! Abandoning me, ignoring, and not caring about  a child is much bigger than a break up or something like that. It made me so angry that he could just think I could drop all hard feelings. If he called me a few months earlier I would have never given him the time of day and told him he missed all his chances, which he really did in all reality. He was so mean to me and refused to make an adoption plan with the case worker. He flat out refused to come see Kinley in the hospital. I told him I was working on the forgiving part and I was working on moving on.

So this brings me to why the heck I'm blogging about this. I would think him wanting to all of a sudden be involved would patch up so much of the heartache, but it has done everything but that. I've felt so jealous, angry, sad, and I have found myself looking back and playing the what-if game. I don't think birth dad realizes that if he would have come around way earlier, I could be holding my pretty girl in my arms. I could be her mom. I never would have placed her and my life would be so much different. If he wanted to be involved, I wouldn't stay awake at night crying because I miss my baby.

This brings me to my next question- Why now? Why after so long did you decide to be involved? Why all of a sudden is Kinley important to you? Why did you run away? Why did you deny her? Why couldn't you have been a man and stepped up? Why wasn't Kinley that important to you before?

These questions have been circulating through my mind so much! It makes me so mad and sad that if he would have been there a year earlier, things would have been so different. I feel like he doesn't understand everything that goes into adoption. He has no bond with Kinley other than donating sperm. He was never there to feel her kick, he was never there to see her ultrasounds, her heart beat. He never even met her! He refused! and he CHOSE that! I gave him so much opportunity and so many chances and he declined every one of them. He doesn't know the hurt that went into placing her. He doesn't understand it one bit. He wasn't there, he doesn't know what it feels like to have your heart ripped out of your heart or what is like to see your most prized possession go home with someone else. He doesn't know what it is like to feel so empty and a part of your heart missing forever.

And he thinks I can just forget about it and move on?

Ever since that phone call, so many emotions I've buried and tried to hide came out and it feels nice to write them down.

I know that everything in this adoption has worked out 100% how it was supposed to and I know that it was truly meant to be, but there is always that what-if in the back ground. I don't regret placing Kinley, I wouldn't change it at all, but still. I always think of all these questions and scenarios of if she were with me, and they all end up better if she was placed.

If I parented, who knows when birth dad would come around? I would have the struggle of a single young mom, her dad would be in and out of her life, shortly after Kinley was born, birth dad went to jail for domestic violence...it sickens me to think Kinley could have been in the middle of that. Kinley wouldn't be able to be sealed to me and Grant in the temple, she probably wouldn't be taught about Heavenly Father and Jesus at her dad's house and she would be bounced around houses. Especially hearing Toby and Nicole's story and how adoption had blessed their lives, and how happy they are with her, I wouldn't change that. I just don't want to come across as regretting my decision because I don't and like I said, I'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. I'm just saying I still wonder...which I need to stop doing because it does no good.

I've said time and time again that all of this has been for Kinley. And it 100% has been. If it were up to me, I never would have answered that phone call. I would have ignored it and he would have been out of luck. I never would have sent him pictures, given him the time of day or even given Toby and Nicole his email. I could have just ignored everything. But because this adoption wasn't about me, I went out of my comfort zone and did this. For who? Kinley Lyn. She deserves to know her roots. She deserves to know where she gets her olive skin and beautiful dark eyes. I don't want her to grow up and wonder about her birth dad and why he never cared. I feel by giving Toby and Nicole his contact info. I did my part. I love Kinley so much that I'm setting my issues aside and giving her a resource to fall back on later and so she doesn't have to wonder. It's going to be hard to know birth dad potentially has a relationship with her, but it's what my princess deserves right?

Sorry for the negative post, but I feel like raw emotions are key in telling the world about birth mothers and the struggles they face post placement. Its not just a happily ever after, it's a life-long struggle we fight after we leave the hospital. It's tough, but as long as my Pooky has the best life ever, I would do it a million times and I will fight for her happiness.

On a happier note, Kinley is  8 months old today!