Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Screwing My Head On Straight

For a time in my life, I wasn't exactly making the best decisions. I wasn't hanging around the best people and I was putting myself in not the best situations. I never really went crazy, but I was on the verge. When I graduated high school, I never really went to church regularly, which isnt that big of a deal if you think about it, but when you go from attending church every sunday for 18 years to every so often, it becomes a big difference. I always had some what of a testimony of the church, but it was just there in the back of my mind, nothing really big. Whenever I went to church, I would sit there and try and find every little thing to nit-pick at the lessons or docterin being taught. I guess you could say- i was very skeptical and judgmental towards my church and had to question every little thing that was being said. I also told myself that getting married in the temple wasn't that big of a deal to me. I just wanted to find a nice guy and if we married in the temple, awesome, if not, oh well. 

School and work also seemed to take the back seat in my head for a while. I flunked most of my classes my 1st year of college and I was debating weather or not going back again. I also was changing my availibility at work so I didnt have to work because I never really felt like working! I loved the money, I just never felt like working.

Don't ask me how or when my WHOLE mind set changed. I think it started when I would be having bad days and I would look up uplifting and positive quotes and I always happened to stumble across quotes from Prophets and church leaders. After a lot of this, I decided to go back to church and find the good in my life and have a relationship with my Heavenly Father. It just so happened that the lesson that sunday was about scripture reading and the teacher handed out a paper with scripture readings to do everyday for a month. I decided to give it a try and WOW did that help me. All the scripture passages were about something I was struggling with and really opened my mind to things. I read my scriptures everyday that month, and sometimes I would be so excited, that I would read more and more! Now- I know that most of you are probably thinking "Wow Laura, I read my scriptures everyday, you should have been doing that your whole life!" but really that was the first time I really read my scriptures regularly. I used to only read them MAYBE once  month. The more I read my scriptures, the more I feel comforted and have a little more knowledge of things.

I also started praying. I always was taught that we should pray every day and night and the Lord will answer our prayers and that praying is like calling Heavenly Father and blah blah blah. But I never actually did it! like scripture reading, I only prayed every so often whenever I remembered. I was feeling so overwhelmed one night, so I decided to pray. I remember, that prayer was probably the most genuine prayer I have ever said in my life. I fell apart. I sobbed long and hard just asking my Heavenly Father for help. I didn't know how I was going to get through this adoption, I felt awful for all the things I had done wrong, and I prayed and prayed that I would know what to do. I had finally come to a breaking point in my life where all I could do was turn to the Lord for help. I couldn't help myself. my parents couldn't help me, Chelsea couldn't help me, no one could- Only God. After I prayed, I never got a huge epiphany of light or angels descending from heaven or even a voice telling me anything, I just felt in my mind that everything was going to be ok. I also changed my view on marriage. I now WANT to get married in the temple and I don't want to settle for less.

I decided to go back to school for spring semester and I made sure I signed up for some interesting classes to make sure I didn't fail any of them. I made sure I used my time wisely and that i set time aside to study and get homework done. I also made sure I went to class as close to everyday as possible. Basically I got rid of all my distractions and made a plan for if I did get distracted. I ended up sticking to my plan and passing all of my classes with A's and B's! I felt so proud that I passed a semester of college while 8 months pregnant. I also worked my booty off at work. Clocking in hours after hours of work to pass the time away when I wasn't at school or studying. I was also able to pick up a second job as an office assistant. It was such a relaxing job that gave me good quality time to myself to think and work at the same time. 

Throughout my pregnancy, I hit rock bottom, and I learned that the only one there to help you go back up is our Savior. Its crazy to think that something like pregnancy would make me come to this realization and strengthen my testimony so much. I also realized that having a positive attitude helped me get through school as well. Having a positive outlook and making goals helped me to pass my classes and get my head on strait to see the bigger picture.