Mother's Day

Today has really been a bitter-sweet day for me. To be honest, I have been dreading Mother's Day for the past few weeks. Mostly because I didn't really know what to expect or how I would feel. It is hard thinking that last Mother's Day I was pregnant and I felt more of a mom then than I do today. I was caring for my peanut and was "with" her 24/7. Today, I am baby less, not with her, and that is a hard thing to face. I know that I am a real mother, but it isn't the same when your child doesn't call you mom and you cant do those "motherly" things for her everyday.

Yesterday was Birth Mother's Day. I knew the Saturday before MD is always BMD, and I was actually pretty excited about it. I was excited that birthmothers had a day to be honored by others for our sacrifices and etc. I was actually going to blog yesterday and promote it and get all into it. But I read a BLOG a few days before about a birth mother who doesn't celebrate BMD. It really put things into perspective and I too decided that I would rather celebrate MD, even if it is painful. I think that it is great that there is a BMD, but I don't think that it should be the day before MD. It's a great feeling to be acknowledged for my sacrifice and great strength, but at the same time, I would rather be acknowledged for be the real mother I am. No, I don't parent Kinley, but I did give her life and I provided her with all I could offer, which I feel is what real mothers do. I think that having BMD the day before kind of pushes birthmothers away from MD. Maybe if BMD was another part of the year or something, it would be better. Anyways- I hope that makes sense.

Grant and I went to the temple yesterday. I purposely had us go so that I could get lost in The Lord's work instead of focussing on this weekend. It was a great time. We drove down to Monticello and had long conversations and laughed and had a great road trip. The temple was amazing of course, and the spirit was so strong. I love being in The Lord's house. There is nothing more peaceful than the temple.

 We had lunch in Moab and then drove the rest of the way back home. We got on the subject of MD and I expressed my concerns and sadness I was having for the day. He was so caring and he tried to comfort me the best he could. We spent the rest of the day cleaning and just relaxing. Grant surprised me with a dozen red roses. He said he wasn't going to get me anything because he wasn't sure if I wanted to just ignore MD as a whole or what. But he decided to get me some and it melted my heart how caring and supportive he is. I must add that Grant isn't a present person. Not because he is not a giving person or anything, he just isn't a huge present-giving person. So for him to get me flowers, it was a huge thing in its self. We packed some lunchables in the car and we went star gazing out at a trail. He made my day so much better.

When I woke up this morning, I didn't really want to got o church. Mostly because it's Mother's Day and they always talk about mothers and how amazing they are and all of that. Don't get me wrong- I LOVE my mom- it's just today is rough because I'm not the "typical" mother. I drug myself out of bed and we went to church and kept my cool pretty well until the little kids got up and sang a song to their mothers. I lost it. I sobbed and sobbed. It's just really painful that I don't have my baby and that she won't sing those songs for me when she is older. The words to the song they sang are as followed:

Mother, I love you; mother, I do.
Father in heaven has sent me to you.
When I am near you. I love to hear you
Singing so softly that you love me too.

It is such a sweet song, but so painful to hear in my situation. I can't wait for the day I have children of my own and for them to be able to sing me those songs.

I was a basket case the rest of the day and my emotions were on major edge- I just wanted to sleep- which is what I do when I'm down. And as I was getting ready to dose off, Nicole texted me and asked if I wanted to Face Time with Kinley. I about had a heart attack. I hadn't really talked to them in a few weeks and really wasn't expecting anything. It made my day just to see my pretty girl! She is so big and she is crawling all over the place. Her teeth are growing in and she is jabbering a lot. Something so simple as video chatting made my day so much better.

Happy Mother's Day to all you mothers. But especially Happy Mother's Day to all you birth mothers. I hope all my birth mom friends are handling today well and I am so grateful for my wonderful husband and all he does.

Screwing My Head On Straight

For a time in my life, I wasn't exactly making the best decisions. I wasn't hanging around the best people and I was putting myself in not the best situations. I never really went crazy, but I was on the verge. When I graduated high school, I never really went to church regularly, which isnt that big of a deal if you think about it, but when you go from attending church every sunday for 18 years to every so often, it becomes a big difference. I always had some what of a testimony of the church, but it was just there in the back of my mind, nothing really big. Whenever I went to church, I would sit there and try and find every little thing to nit-pick at the lessons or docterin being taught. I guess you could say- i was very skeptical and judgmental towards my church and had to question every little thing that was being said. I also told myself that getting married in the temple wasn't that big of a deal to me. I just wanted to find a nice guy and if we married in the temple, awesome, if not, oh well. 

School and work also seemed to take the back seat in my head for a while. I flunked most of my classes my 1st year of college and I was debating weather or not going back again. I also was changing my availibility at work so I didnt have to work because I never really felt like working! I loved the money, I just never felt like working.

Don't ask me how or when my WHOLE mind set changed. I think it started when I would be having bad days and I would look up uplifting and positive quotes and I always happened to stumble across quotes from Prophets and church leaders. After a lot of this, I decided to go back to church and find the good in my life and have a relationship with my Heavenly Father. It just so happened that the lesson that sunday was about scripture reading and the teacher handed out a paper with scripture readings to do everyday for a month. I decided to give it a try and WOW did that help me. All the scripture passages were about something I was struggling with and really opened my mind to things. I read my scriptures everyday that month, and sometimes I would be so excited, that I would read more and more! Now- I know that most of you are probably thinking "Wow Laura, I read my scriptures everyday, you should have been doing that your whole life!" but really that was the first time I really read my scriptures regularly. I used to only read them MAYBE once  month. The more I read my scriptures, the more I feel comforted and have a little more knowledge of things.

I also started praying. I always was taught that we should pray every day and night and the Lord will answer our prayers and that praying is like calling Heavenly Father and blah blah blah. But I never actually did it! like scripture reading, I only prayed every so often whenever I remembered. I was feeling so overwhelmed one night, so I decided to pray. I remember, that prayer was probably the most genuine prayer I have ever said in my life. I fell apart. I sobbed long and hard just asking my Heavenly Father for help. I didn't know how I was going to get through this adoption, I felt awful for all the things I had done wrong, and I prayed and prayed that I would know what to do. I had finally come to a breaking point in my life where all I could do was turn to the Lord for help. I couldn't help myself. my parents couldn't help me, Chelsea couldn't help me, no one could- Only God. After I prayed, I never got a huge epiphany of light or angels descending from heaven or even a voice telling me anything, I just felt in my mind that everything was going to be ok. I also changed my view on marriage. I now WANT to get married in the temple and I don't want to settle for less.

I decided to go back to school for spring semester and I made sure I signed up for some interesting classes to make sure I didn't fail any of them. I made sure I used my time wisely and that i set time aside to study and get homework done. I also made sure I went to class as close to everyday as possible. Basically I got rid of all my distractions and made a plan for if I did get distracted. I ended up sticking to my plan and passing all of my classes with A's and B's! I felt so proud that I passed a semester of college while 8 months pregnant. I also worked my booty off at work. Clocking in hours after hours of work to pass the time away when I wasn't at school or studying. I was also able to pick up a second job as an office assistant. It was such a relaxing job that gave me good quality time to myself to think and work at the same time. 

Throughout my pregnancy, I hit rock bottom, and I learned that the only one there to help you go back up is our Savior. Its crazy to think that something like pregnancy would make me come to this realization and strengthen my testimony so much. I also realized that having a positive attitude helped me get through school as well. Having a positive outlook and making goals helped me to pass my classes and get my head on strait to see the bigger picture.