Ready or Not, She's Gonna Come!

About 3 weeks before Kinley was born, I had a bit of a 'freak out'. I had  gone to the doctor for s regular appointment and he said I was 100% effaced and 3cm dilated! for those of you who don't know what that means, it means that I could go into labor at any second! At first I was soooo relieved because I was SO ready to be done being pregnant! I was so hot, uncomfortable, I couldn't sleep, and not to mention I felt HUGE! As the week went on- I started to freak out! I needed to pack a hospital bag, make her quilt, make her bows, finish a recordable book I had gotten, finish a journal I was keeping, AND wrap my head around having a freakin baby!! I was so overwhelmed and was panicking for a while!

I was also so overwhelmed and stressed about the adoptions. Reality was setting in and I didn't know if I could go through with the whole placement. I knew that this was what I needed to do, but I didn't know if I WANTED to! I was thinking of the worst and making up the worst case scenarios in my head! What if I get so depressed? What if I go crazy? I'm going to miss her so much and not be able to bare it! I'm going to be so sad forever and not move on with my life. I had such a hard time for about a week! I was up all nights worrying and stressing about what I was going to be like when this all was over. I tried to record the recordable book, but I couldn't even get through half of a page without balling my eyes out! I was wondering if adoption was really what I was supposed to do or if Heavenly Father was trying to tell me other wise.

I went to my appointment with Chelsea and just cried and cried and cried! Se told me that all my options were still open. I told her I was worried I'd end up in that dark place like I had been in at winter time. We talked about my fears, worries, and stresses! We wrote them down, came up with a plan as to how I would deal with the post-adoption blues. It helped a lot! I was still scared, but at least I had a plan. (remember- I'm a planner).

I felt a little better after talking with Chelsea, but I still had the scared feeling. I asked my dad and bishop to give me  a blessing. My sister, Jaala and her husband, Harrison were in town so we did it that day so that my dad, bishop, Dayle, and Harrison could give me a blessing. My dad blessed that I would know what was right and that I could be comforted in my time of struggle. He asked that God would watch over me and help me know what needed to be done. From that day on- I felt so much at peace!

I got all the things done that I needed to and finally felt ready-well as ready as you can feel about child birth! I felt this kind of peace and reassurance that I was just READY for Kinley to come! Because frankly, ready or not, babies DO come!

This is the quilt I made! 

The backing! (I LOVE elephants)

The quilt as a whole

This is a blanket I just bought at the store and I embroidered her name on it

All of her bows I made!

Meeting Toby & Nicole for the 1st Time

I thought it would be fun to share when I met Toby, Nicole, and Taylee in person!

After a month or so of emailing back and forth, we decided to actually meet in person! I was so excited and nervous at the same time! I was excited to actually have faces (other than pictures) to go with the emails! We made plans to meet the weekend of Cinco de Mayo.

The weeks and days leading up to the meeting seemed like they went on forever!! I couldn't  wait to meet the family of my daughter! I was nervous because I didn't know what it would be like! I was having so many thoughts go through my head! What if I don't like them? What if they are bored? What if they change their minds? I had so many mixed emotions!

We planned to meet at the office with Chelsea to have a meeting about the level of openness the adoption was going to be and to agree on those things. My mom and sister, Charnae came with me to the whole meeting. We talked for a good hour or so about the openness and they agreed to everything I wanted.

These are some of the terms we agreed on:

• pictures and emails at least once a week
• visits at least every 3 months
• openness to more visits
• openness to more pictures and emails
• able to send gifts 
• phone calls and video chatting
• being apart of big events (blessings, firsts, graduations, weddings, etc)

As you can see- my adoption experience is VERY open. If i wasn't able to have these things, I would have chosen a different couple. Toby and Nicole were more than happy to agree with these terms and so understanding as to why I wanted it to be so open and why I want to be involved in her life!

After the meeting, we all went to to down town Grand junction and walked the little main street there. We went to Enstrom's Chocolate, looked at some of the little boutiques, and we ate at Pablo's Pizza! We talked about so much stuff! Mostly get-to-know you type things, but mostly it was so great to observe them and see what type of people they were. I mean- they ARE going to be my baby girl's family. My mom and sister had to leave early, so it was just me, Toby, Nicole, and Taylee. We finished up eating and we walked up the other side of Main Street. 

Me and Nicole

Toby, Nicole, Taylee (not in the mood for a picture hehe), and me!

This one is my favorite! Taylee feeling her new baby sister:)

After we got done on Main Street, we went to Dairy Queen and got some ice cream! we talked for a few more hours! It was so great to talk to them! I can't even begin to tell you what we talked about because we talked about so much! At 10pm, we finally had to pry ourselves away from each other and say our goodbyes. I didn't want to say goodbye! I was having such a great time! It was weird to say "bye, see ya when Kinley gets here"! 

From that time on I knew they were the family for Kinley. One thing I remember most was the way Nicole interacted with Taylee. She was so patient, loving, and caring. I could sense that just from the 1 day we spent with them. Both Toby and Nicole showed me that they were the best parents in just that short amount of time! That visit couldn't have gone any smoother. 

Screwing My Head On Straight

For a time in my life, I wasn't exactly making the best decisions. I wasn't hanging around the best people and I was putting myself in not the best situations. I never really went crazy, but I was on the verge. When I graduated high school, I never really went to church regularly, which isnt that big of a deal if you think about it, but when you go from attending church every sunday for 18 years to every so often, it becomes a big difference. I always had some what of a testimony of the church, but it was just there in the back of my mind, nothing really big. Whenever I went to church, I would sit there and try and find every little thing to nit-pick at the lessons or docterin being taught. I guess you could say- i was very skeptical and judgmental towards my church and had to question every little thing that was being said. I also told myself that getting married in the temple wasn't that big of a deal to me. I just wanted to find a nice guy and if we married in the temple, awesome, if not, oh well. 

School and work also seemed to take the back seat in my head for a while. I flunked most of my classes my 1st year of college and I was debating weather or not going back again. I also was changing my availibility at work so I didnt have to work because I never really felt like working! I loved the money, I just never felt like working.

Don't ask me how or when my WHOLE mind set changed. I think it started when I would be having bad days and I would look up uplifting and positive quotes and I always happened to stumble across quotes from Prophets and church leaders. After a lot of this, I decided to go back to church and find the good in my life and have a relationship with my Heavenly Father. It just so happened that the lesson that sunday was about scripture reading and the teacher handed out a paper with scripture readings to do everyday for a month. I decided to give it a try and WOW did that help me. All the scripture passages were about something I was struggling with and really opened my mind to things. I read my scriptures everyday that month, and sometimes I would be so excited, that I would read more and more! Now- I know that most of you are probably thinking "Wow Laura, I read my scriptures everyday, you should have been doing that your whole life!" but really that was the first time I really read my scriptures regularly. I used to only read them MAYBE once  month. The more I read my scriptures, the more I feel comforted and have a little more knowledge of things.

I also started praying. I always was taught that we should pray every day and night and the Lord will answer our prayers and that praying is like calling Heavenly Father and blah blah blah. But I never actually did it! like scripture reading, I only prayed every so often whenever I remembered. I was feeling so overwhelmed one night, so I decided to pray. I remember, that prayer was probably the most genuine prayer I have ever said in my life. I fell apart. I sobbed long and hard just asking my Heavenly Father for help. I didn't know how I was going to get through this adoption, I felt awful for all the things I had done wrong, and I prayed and prayed that I would know what to do. I had finally come to a breaking point in my life where all I could do was turn to the Lord for help. I couldn't help myself. my parents couldn't help me, Chelsea couldn't help me, no one could- Only God. After I prayed, I never got a huge epiphany of light or angels descending from heaven or even a voice telling me anything, I just felt in my mind that everything was going to be ok. I also changed my view on marriage. I now WANT to get married in the temple and I don't want to settle for less.

I decided to go back to school for spring semester and I made sure I signed up for some interesting classes to make sure I didn't fail any of them. I made sure I used my time wisely and that i set time aside to study and get homework done. I also made sure I went to class as close to everyday as possible. Basically I got rid of all my distractions and made a plan for if I did get distracted. I ended up sticking to my plan and passing all of my classes with A's and B's! I felt so proud that I passed a semester of college while 8 months pregnant. I also worked my booty off at work. Clocking in hours after hours of work to pass the time away when I wasn't at school or studying. I was also able to pick up a second job as an office assistant. It was such a relaxing job that gave me good quality time to myself to think and work at the same time. 

Throughout my pregnancy, I hit rock bottom, and I learned that the only one there to help you go back up is our Savior. Its crazy to think that something like pregnancy would make me come to this realization and strengthen my testimony so much. I also realized that having a positive attitude helped me get through school as well. Having a positive outlook and making goals helped me to pass my classes and get my head on strait to see the bigger picture.