One Year Older and Wiser too

Well guys- I survived my first year of being a birth mom. I'm here with all limbs and sanity still accounted for. I lost a few friends along the way, but I survived! It's so bitter sweet to think this time last year I was getting back on my feet after placing Kinley. It was the beginning of this journey and I didn't know what I was headed for. Like I said in my last blog- I'm sure glad I was chosen to be the one to take this journey because of all the lessons I've learned! I've come so far in this short year and when I compare myself to last year, I can't help but cry happy tears at how far I've come and all that I have over come.

Grant and I were able to travel down to see Kinley! It was such a great weekend! We never really get to spend a lot of time together, just us, because of work and other things life needs us for, so it was fun to spend 5 days interrupted together. We got to Utah a few days before our visit, so we got to do some hiking, swimming, and just relaxing. On the 4th, I ran a 5k race I have been training for, and it was so much fun! It felt good to accomplish this goal I set!

Kinley's party was the day before her actual birthday. It was at her grandparent's home. I am so grateful, they opened up their home to us to celebrate with them. Im not really sure if I have mentioned this before, but my favorite animal is an elephant. I usually make it a point to send Kinley any and all elephant things I find! I have an eye for elephants and I can spot elephants at almost any store. Anyways- Nicole knows this and she was so thoughtful to incorporate elephants as the theme of her party. The invitations had a big elephant on them, Kinley's cake was an elephant, there were elephant cookies, etc. I was in heaven! It also made me feel so good that Nicole thought of me when doing it all.

When we got to their house, Kinley was still sleeping so Nicole went up to wake her. I was soooo excited to see her! I woke up at like 6:30 am because I couldn't sleep!! When she brought her down- My heart melted! I hadn't seen her in so long- except in pictures- and she had grown so much! I almost didn't recognize her. I gave her the biggest hug and kiss. At first, she wasn't sure about me. It was like she knew I was a good person, but she wasn't sure why she liked me. after about 10 or so minutes, she warmed up and was fine. Grant says she knew who I was. I bought her an outfit and Nicole let it be her party dress. I know it's a small gesture, but it meant so much to me. She was kind of confused that I dressed her and was like "wait- why is this girl dressing me? I thought only mommy and daddy dressed me".

everyone got there, we ate and Nicole let me feed Kinley. It was so fun and she thought it was hilarious when I made airplane noises as I spooned her bananas.

She opened presents and Nicole invited me to sit up with them and help her open them. Again- something so small, but it meant a lot to me. It was fun to see her amazed at all the tissue paper and bows. And she got so excited over the toys and fun things she got.

Then she ate her cake. When we sang to her, she was a little confused why everyone was looking at her and singing, but when we sang "happy birthday, dear Kinley" she got a big smile on her face and giggled because we said her name. It was so cute. Nicole put her big cake in front of her and she didn't hesitate to dig right in. It was so funny that she was just going to town on it. She didn't want to eat it, she just wanted to throw it round and make a big mess! It got all in her hair and her bow and she even managed to fling it on some people who were standing close.

We went swimming after and I got to play with Kinley in the pool and watch her play and have fun. It was so fun to watch her interact with her cousins, aunts, uncles, and grandparents. She is such a loved little girl and her family is so wonderful.

The best part of her party was when I sat her up on my lap and I said "Kinley, say La La" she looked at my mouth and studied it really hard and then said "La La" it was so cool!! She giggled like "yep- I'm awesome" My heart was so full and happy. I'm sure she had no idea she made my day- but she did.

It was so fun to see Kinley's personality. She is such a happy baby. She never really cried unless she was tired or she got hurt! The last time I saw her, she was just barely army crawling, and now she is walking EVERYWHERE! she is also saying words! She says mommy, daddy, Taylee, Papa, uh oh, baby (which is her favorite word), and now La La. Everything is a baby. She points at animals and says "baby", she points to her doll and says "baby", and she points to pictures of her and says "baby" it's so cute! She kept taking my phone and pointing to the picture of her and saying "baby". It's so crazy how big and smart my pretty girl has gotten!

The next day- the 7th- was her actual birthday. We went to church with them and then went over to their house again and just hung out and visited. My mom, sister Charnae, her daughter Camille, and my other sister, Audrey drove down that morning and met up with us to see Kinley. I was so excited because Charnae hand't seen Kinley since she was born- and Camille was still in her tummy when Kinley was born- so they got to meet (and of course Kinley was calling Camille baby).

At her party, I gave Kinley fun little presents like toys and clothes, but on her actual birthday, I gave her some more sentimental gifts. I put together a photo album of pictures of me from the time I was born, until the time I gave birth (I looked through it with her, and- you guessed it- she said "baby" at every picture), I had my friends, who came and visited us in the hospital, write little letters to Kinley about what they remember about her, I got her the matching bracelet to my necklace- it says "forever in my heart" and has a charm that says "Laura", and then I got her a recordable book called "Wherever you are my love will follow", I also got her a blanket and my mom embroidered her name on it- I got her one when she was born also- so now she has a new one.

she's checkin out her bracelet

The rest of the time we just visited and played! My sister has a little squeaky giraffe toy for Camille and Kinley thought it was so funny! She played with it almost the whole time and just walked around laughing and had the biggest grin!

snuggles

I love her smile!

my mom and Kinley 

Audrey feeding her her water

playing with her

playing with her car with one finger

Well I'm done with the picture over load! When we left, my mom taught Kinley how to blow a kiss. I have a video of it- but it wont upload- so maybe later I will figure it out. She gave me a kiss goodbye and waved! I had such an awesome visit with her! I am so blessed to have such a great open adoption. I couldn't have asked for better parents for my baby girl. They love her as their own- and I can tell they are raising her to be the best little girl. It was so fun to see her personality and to interact with her. She is such a sweet girl and I think deep down- she knows what all is going on and feels the love from both her adoptive family and her birth family. I don't want to sound arrogant when I say this, but I truly feel that Kinley feels the bond that we have. Even though she is still so young- I feel like she knows who I am and she can feel my love. It's so heart-warming to see that all I have done to make sure she knows I lover her show! She is so loved and she has the life I always imagined my children to have- maybe not the same circumstances- but she has all the love and all the things she needs.

I was worried I would feel sad on her birthday- because it also marks when I kissed her goodbye- but instead I was overwhelmed with love and amazement at the person I created! I did, however, have a hard time on the 9th. That was her placement day. All the emotions were so real. I felt like I was back in the hospital with a broken heart. I had so much support from my family and friends though. I was able to bounce back and my day was better. It's amazing how fast I am able to bounce back after having my "moments". I have finally gotten the hang of knowing what to do to cope.

I wrote this on my Facebook page and I wanted to share it on here:

"Today marks strength and weakness. Today marks true love. 

Today marks heart break and healing. Today marks new beginnings and fresh starts. 

Today marks trust and hope. Today marks the day I gave my pretty girl a whole family, the best life, and the resources to grow. 

Today marks the hardest day of my life- and the hardest journey that has shaped who I am entirely. 

I wouldn't wish this upon anyone- but I am truly thankful Heavenly Father chose me. 

Today is hard- but we can do hard things."

So here is to another year of being a birth mom! I have gone through all my "firsts" so I'm ready to see what is in store for the 2nd year! until next time! 

Mother's Day

Today has really been a bitter-sweet day for me. To be honest, I have been dreading Mother's Day for the past few weeks. Mostly because I didn't really know what to expect or how I would feel. It is hard thinking that last Mother's Day I was pregnant and I felt more of a mom then than I do today. I was caring for my peanut and was "with" her 24/7. Today, I am baby less, not with her, and that is a hard thing to face. I know that I am a real mother, but it isn't the same when your child doesn't call you mom and you cant do those "motherly" things for her everyday.

Yesterday was Birth Mother's Day. I knew the Saturday before MD is always BMD, and I was actually pretty excited about it. I was excited that birthmothers had a day to be honored by others for our sacrifices and etc. I was actually going to blog yesterday and promote it and get all into it. But I read a BLOG a few days before about a birth mother who doesn't celebrate BMD. It really put things into perspective and I too decided that I would rather celebrate MD, even if it is painful. I think that it is great that there is a BMD, but I don't think that it should be the day before MD. It's a great feeling to be acknowledged for my sacrifice and great strength, but at the same time, I would rather be acknowledged for be the real mother I am. No, I don't parent Kinley, but I did give her life and I provided her with all I could offer, which I feel is what real mothers do. I think that having BMD the day before kind of pushes birthmothers away from MD. Maybe if BMD was another part of the year or something, it would be better. Anyways- I hope that makes sense.

Grant and I went to the temple yesterday. I purposely had us go so that I could get lost in The Lord's work instead of focussing on this weekend. It was a great time. We drove down to Monticello and had long conversations and laughed and had a great road trip. The temple was amazing of course, and the spirit was so strong. I love being in The Lord's house. There is nothing more peaceful than the temple.

 We had lunch in Moab and then drove the rest of the way back home. We got on the subject of MD and I expressed my concerns and sadness I was having for the day. He was so caring and he tried to comfort me the best he could. We spent the rest of the day cleaning and just relaxing. Grant surprised me with a dozen red roses. He said he wasn't going to get me anything because he wasn't sure if I wanted to just ignore MD as a whole or what. But he decided to get me some and it melted my heart how caring and supportive he is. I must add that Grant isn't a present person. Not because he is not a giving person or anything, he just isn't a huge present-giving person. So for him to get me flowers, it was a huge thing in its self. We packed some lunchables in the car and we went star gazing out at a trail. He made my day so much better.

When I woke up this morning, I didn't really want to got o church. Mostly because it's Mother's Day and they always talk about mothers and how amazing they are and all of that. Don't get me wrong- I LOVE my mom- it's just today is rough because I'm not the "typical" mother. I drug myself out of bed and we went to church and kept my cool pretty well until the little kids got up and sang a song to their mothers. I lost it. I sobbed and sobbed. It's just really painful that I don't have my baby and that she won't sing those songs for me when she is older. The words to the song they sang are as followed:

Mother, I love you; mother, I do.
Father in heaven has sent me to you.
When I am near you. I love to hear you
Singing so softly that you love me too.

It is such a sweet song, but so painful to hear in my situation. I can't wait for the day I have children of my own and for them to be able to sing me those songs.

I was a basket case the rest of the day and my emotions were on major edge- I just wanted to sleep- which is what I do when I'm down. And as I was getting ready to dose off, Nicole texted me and asked if I wanted to Face Time with Kinley. I about had a heart attack. I hadn't really talked to them in a few weeks and really wasn't expecting anything. It made my day just to see my pretty girl! She is so big and she is crawling all over the place. Her teeth are growing in and she is jabbering a lot. Something so simple as video chatting made my day so much better.

Happy Mother's Day to all you mothers. But especially Happy Mother's Day to all you birth mothers. I hope all my birth mom friends are handling today well and I am so grateful for my wonderful husband and all he does.

The Past 7 Months part 2

One small mistake on the last post- I had one more visit before Christmas! It was in the end of September! I went to Utah to meet my boyfriend's family and Nicole and Toby were happy to fit in a visit! We met at Temple Square again! They didn't want Grant, my boyfriend, to meet Kinley yet, just so that she wasn't being introduced to so many random guys. Totally understandable and I'm grateful that they are so protective of her! I got to temple square and I was so anxious to see them. I showed up way early because I was so excited. We met outside by the reflecting pool and when they lifted the cover of Kinley's car seat there she was...greeting me with the biggest. My heart melted. this was the first time I had ever seen her smile, other than pictures. Man I love that girl so much! We went inside the Joseph Smith Building and visited and played with Kinley.

I absolutely love this picture! Nicole and Toby always catch the great candid moments

This smile is what greeted me when I first saw her! Melts my heart!

Birth mama and birth daughter

her legs were so long and skinny! Kind of like a chicken! 

Another facial expression that melts my heart. A sleeping princess. 

Kinley 4 months old!

Kinley 5 months old

The next visit was on Dec. 23rd. This was the longest I had ever gone without seeing my peanut. that 3 months was the hardest 3 months ever! I missed Kinley so much and I wanted to hold her and touch her soft skin. Her adoption was final a week or so previous and The LDS church has a tradition where babies are blessed. Kind of like a dedication in other religions. Toby couldn't bless her until the adoption was final so they did this shortly after. A baby's blessing is a mile stone in the LDS religion and family usually comes to watch and support. Toby and Nicole invited me to come to it and they allowed Grant to come because we had gotten engaged a few months earlier. I was so excited. I got to be in the same place as the 2 people I loved the most in the world. My mom and sister, Jaala, came as well. We walked into the church and I B-lined it to Kinley and her family. I hadn't seen her in 3 months! Tears streamed down my face! She looked so beautiful in all white! I was over come with so much happiness and peace! Kinley was supposed to be with the C family.

Another reason this visit was so special was because Toby and Nicole's parents and siblings were there. I had never met their family before and it was so amazing to feel welcomed by their family. It gave me such peace of mind knowing the C family was comfortable enough to have me meet their extended family. I first met Toby's dad, who is also the bishop of their ward. He gave me the biggest hug and whispered in my ear 'Thank you for Kinley. Our family is so happy and complete'. Him and I started crying. I can't tell you how amazing that moment was. It really hit me that I didn't just complete the C family, but I gave their parents a grand daughter, their brothers and sisters a niece and their nieces and nephews a cousin. I preceded down the line and met Toby's mom, brothers, sisters, Nicole's mom and dad, who also gave me huge tight hugs and lots of gratitude, and then also I met Nicole's siblings. I couldn't tell you any of their names and nor could I ever recognize them in public if I ever was in their presence, but all I can say is that I loved all of them! I made sure I gave them a hug instead of a hand shake. I have to love them, they love my kin as their own, and for that, I love them dearly.  It was so fun to hold Kinley during the church meeting. Even though she slept most of the way through it, I loved having her in my arms. The blessing, that Toby gave her was beautiful. I thought I would be so sad that she no longer had my last name, but instead I felt so much peace. Her new last name fits her better than Gladden, I thought. Listening to his blessing to his and Nicole's daughter was nothing but happiness. I mean, it always tugs at my heart that I can't be Kinley's mom, but I couldn't have picked two better people to fill in my spot.

Can you see why I started bawling when I saw her? she had grown SO much in that 3 months!

I love those lips

My sister, Jaala, and baby K:)

My mom and Kinley

The C family and I

The new and improved C family

My two favorite ladies

Gahh that face!:)

After church, they invited us to come over to their parent's house. My mom and sister had to get back to Colorado, so just Grant and I went. We just went over and spent more time visiting and Grant and I spoiled her with Christmas presents. That weekend was probably the best Christmas present I could ever ask for. I had so much happiness. And I was so grateful Toby and Nicole were so open and welcoming us into their family and their private home!

She enjoyed the wrapping paper more than the actual presents

Birth mom and Birth daughter again

Favorite pic! 

Playing

she fell asleep

and woke up still happy

I love elephants so I got her a Dumbo stuffed animal when I went to Disneyland 

she insists on eating her feet!

I think she kind of looks like Yoda here hehe

My mom made Taylee some PJ pants and we got her a sister shirt!

This was a week before my visit at the court house getting all legal! AKA Kinley's 'Gotcha day'

this was a few days after our visit when Nicole and Toby went to the temple and Kinley was sealed to them  and they became an eternal family 

Nicole Face Timed me so I could watch Kinley eat baby food for the first time! It was so cool to be able to experience that with them!

Kinley 6 months old

Kinley's 6 month mile marker is significant because it is also my birthday! I love that we can share half birthdays:) It's crazy to think the next 6 month mile marker is her 1st birthday and my 20 1/2 birthday!

Kinley 7 months

So crazy that she can sit up!

The next time I saw them was just a couple weeks ago! I was in Utah because I went through the temple for the first time and like always, Nicole and Toby were willing to meet up with Grant and I at Temple Square. It was a short visit because we were on our way out of town and they were on their way to a super bowl get together. I didn't care though, as long as I got to hold my pretty girl! She had learned to scoot a week or so previous, so it was fun to have her army crawl to me! And of course, I loved having Grant there to share this happy time.

Love that girl so much!

I love that Grant can love her also:)

Lovers

One big happy family

 I have said time and time again how grateful I am for having such a great adoption! I am so grateful for the C family and their understanding of how much I love Kinley and how open they are for me to come see her as often! I am also so happy with how they are always a text or phone call away! Here are some other pictures I've received over the past little while!

I sent her a Valentines day care package with a bunny that I recorded my voice in. It said "Happy Valentines day pretty girl! I love and miss you so much" They sent me pics of her opening it

Future model

Big girl learned to crawl

In about a week she will be turning 8 months! Time flies so much! I love her so much and I cant wait till I get to see her again! Which will probably be in April:)