What My Adoption Journey Has Taught Me: The First Year

Although, I have only been at this whole adoption journey for a year, there has been so much I have learned! I, first of all, can't believe it will be a year on Sunday that I gave birth to the most amazing little girl! Time has flown, but it also has stood still! I wanted to write this blog because I often find myself reflecting on the changed person I have become in this eventful year and I wanted to write them all down in one place!

Although, I would never want to do this whole adoption over again or wish it upon someone, I am so thankful to my Heavenly Father I was the chosen one to do the job. My life has changed in almost every aspect because of this, and I truly feel, it has saved my life. So I guess I'll start listing all of the things I've learned this past year:

1. How to trust

From the very beginning of my pregnancy, I had to learn to trust in The Lord. I was in the darkest part of my life, and I had nowhere else to turn than to my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. I have learned to trust in Him that if I do what I'm supposed to, I will be blessed and things will work out. So many times I didn't know if I was doing the right thing (choosing adoption) because I was so scared and I wasn't sure how I was going to go through with it. But had to trust The Lord that he would help me along the way. I still to this day, underestimate this sometimes, but I've never been let down.

Another aspect of trust I've learned, is the people in my earthly life I have learned to trust. My family is one. I have grown so close to my parents and siblings through this journey. I've learned no matter what mistakes I've made, they are going to be there to support me every step of the way. I've also discovered which friends I have that I can count on. People i least expected to be by my side through this year have shown me what real friends are. Along with learning who to trust, I've also, unfortunately, have had to learn who not to trust. When hard times come, people's true colors show, and I have sadly had to witness people fade out of my life.

2. How to love

The moment I found out I was pregnant, I had a sense of what "A Mother's Love" is. As my pregnancy went on, I created the most amazing bond with Kinley that is like no other. And when she was born, the most powerful sense of love flooded my heart and body! I had never loved something so much as that 6 pound baby. Nothing can compare to what that little girl does to my heart. I always wondered what true love was, and Kinley proved it to me int he first second she was born. When I was dating Grant, I knew I had fallen in love with him, because a lot of the same feelings I had when Kinley was born, I had with Grant. Grant and I share a different love than Kinley and I, but Kinley taught me what true love feels like, and in turn, I was able to know when I was truly in love with Grant.

3. How to look at the big picture

When I became pregnant, was the start of this. I was now taking care of another person, so I had to think before I did anything. Choosing adoption, in itself, was looking at the big picture. I had to set all my emotions to the side, and think about what was best for my little peanut.
every time I had melt downs, I would always remember why I was doing adoption. Even in the hospital, when I didm't want to say goodbye, I had to tell myself "This is for her, not me.". If it were all for me, I would have parented her, but Kinley was more important than me, at the time.

Even still now I have to look at the big picture. Whenever my mind starts wondering off and thinking what if- I have to bring myself back to home- plate and remember I did everything for Kinley. All of my decisions are based off of if Kinley would be proud of me. She is always that little voice on my shoulder.

4. How to express myself

Before this whole journey, I was very good at hiding my feelings and keeping them bottled inside for no one to know. And when I would share them, I didn't really know how to express them the way I wanted. When I was pregnant, I started going to counseling. I was able to learn how to express my feelings and not be afraid of admitting them. It had helped me so much because I don't feel like I get trampled on as easy and I am able to resolve things. I have even started this blog, which I never would have imagined a few years ago! It's such a new thing for me to spill my heart out to my computer, but I find it so therapeutic.

Even with Nicole and Toby, I have had to learn to express my feelings to them, and for them the same i'm sure with me.

5. How to be a friend

I've never really had a tragic thing happen to me where I've needed my friends or support until now. I've really learned how to be a friend from my friends' examples. They have shown me that you don't need to have all the answers to give good advice, you just need an open ear and their best interest at heart. My friends have stepped up to the plate and have taught me how to be a friend.

6. How to be open minded

Being a teen mom, pregnant out of wed-lock, AND choosing adoption are all things against "the norm". Being the one in the situation really opened my mind that ANY one can fall into this. I wouldn't say I was mean to the girls in my high school who were pregnant, but I didn't really lend out a hand either. I always thought they chose to be pregnant and they wanted to be teen mothers. Falling a "victim" of this, I totally dropped all stereotypes I ever had concerning pregnancy and adoption. I am proud to say I don't judge people as harshly as I used to. I try to imagine their life situations before making any judgments, and I feel like I have been a lot more open to learning about others' situations.

Even in the adoption world, there are different kinds of scenarios. With getting my hands wet in the birth mom support area, I have learned to even have an open mind with other birth mothers. We all come from different back grounds and situations, and we all made our decisions based on different things, but with all the same best interest in mind; our babies.

7. How to be patient

I would not consider myself patient by any means. I'm the type of person who wants things now and I don't want to wait. I learned I had to be patient in waiting for my due date. I had to be patient in finding Kinley's adoptive family. I also had to be patient in The Lord's timing. I still have the tendency to want to rush things, but I think I've come a long way. Heavenly Father has a tie frame for things and I've had to learn to let go and let God. And again-  I have never been let down by waiting for things.

8. How to be a mother

This last one is so dear to me. I get told all the time that I'm not a mother. But- I AM a mother! I am and will always be Kinley's first mother. I may not be her parent, but I am her mother. Even though I may not parent Kinley or see her everyday, doesn't mean those "motherly instincts" turned off. I still always have her best interest on mind. I think so much differently and I credit Kinley for that (all in good ways of course). I don't consider myself a typical 20 year old. I don't find partying appealing. I don't really care if I'm watching the right shows or going to the coolest concerts. My whole mind-set has totally altered. I think about what kind of mother I want to be when it's my turn. I think of all the things I can do for Miss Kinley. From this experience, I have been taught a lot of the things I find are important to be a "real" mother some day. It makes me more and more excited to be a parent.


This is all I could think of. There are probably so many more things I could list, but these are the ones I find the most prominent. This year has changed my life; for the better of course. I have grown into a strong woman (brag time;)) and I couldn't have done it without my friends, family, and of course, Heavenly Father. I know that I am so new to this process, but I feel I have mastered a small portion of being a birth mom. Knowing I have my whole life left of this, both scares me but also excites me. It's scary to know I will be carrying this grief with me, but it excites me to be able to learn more things to add to my list. This has been a roller coaster year: I placed Kinley, moved to Vegas, got engaged, moved back to Colorado, got married, we've added a dog and a cat to our little family, and all the other things life throws at us. It's been crazy, but I wouldn't change one thing!

Thank you all- friends and strangers- for reading my blog. I have gotten so many inspiring comments and it makes me more and more excited to blog! Stay tuned for an update for Kinley's birthday! Have a wonderful and safe 4th of July- and for those of you in other countries- have a fun and safe weekend!

Easter and My Adoption Journey

With Easter last week, I thought it would be a good idea to write a blog about it. Easter has become my favorite holiday. I never really thought of Easter as a very big holiday. I have been LDS my whole life, but I never really had a huge testimony of the atonement and resurrection until recently, so Easter never had a big impact in my life other than the fact that I worship Jesus. I always knew and appreciated the ultimate sacrifice He provided for us, but it's different when you have personally experienced this love especially in a life-changing way, like I have. So with that stated, I will continue to explain why I have been, yet again, amazed at our Savior's love and never failing concern for me, and all of his children.

I was so excited about Easter this year because I have such a strong love for Jesus and I was wanting to write this post on the actual day, but I just couldn't think of what to write. I have so much to say about Easter and how it relates to me, but I just couldn't get the passion to write about anything that would impact anyone or anything. I didn't want to write a boring post and the only experience I could think of being so moved by The Lord, was something I had already written about. I think Heavenly Father has a sick sense of humor sometimes and took this as a challenge. I, like most people, sometimes forget to pray and read my scriptures, especially when life is going so well. I was having such a great spring break and I felt on top of the world, i kind of put my scripture reading aside and would fall asleep and forget to say my personal prayers.

By the end of the night on sunday, I was just having a really hard time with the adoption. I was missing Kinley so terribly and I was already stressed about school because I'm not having such a great semester.   I had one of those "sneak attacks" like I have explained before, where I will be great and then have a wave of grief. I had the WOST low I have ever had since placement. I felt like I was in a black hole this whole week. I skipped school all week, taking NyQuill to sleep because I would just stay awake at night stressing and worrying about Kinley, I had nightmares every night, the list goes on, This week has been the worst week ever. I had this false thought in my head that I was being shut out of my adoption, I was even feeling regret about the whole adoption, I was doubting Toby and Nicole's promise to love my baby and keep the adoption agreement, I wanted to delete my blog and quit advocating adoption all together because I didn't want anyone to feel like I did and I was starting to think thoughts like all of those "angry birth mothers".  I just couldn't understand why Heavenly Father was putting me through all of this. I had such an AMAZING confirmation about adoption and that I did the best thing, why was I feeling I did the wrong thing? I just wanted my baby back and I wished I never placed her. I would just sit in my bed in the dark and cry and sob and cry and cry and cry. My husband tried to help as much as he could (bless his heart) but I would just push him away and not want to talk about it. I would tell him I made a mistake placing Kinley. I just wanted my baby back. Other birth moms tried to help and tell me that they had been through the same things and they went through fazes where they felt the same way and that things DO get better. I just couldn't believe them. Part of me was thinking "Laura, quit thinking these thoughts, you are out of control" but the other part of me just couldn't see the big picture. I felt to stuck and I just wanted out. Not in a suicidal way, but I just could not see any happy or optimistic way in anything. I had horrible dreams about having another baby that I was forced out of my free will into it placing for adoption I also had dreams of having a baby and wanting to trade it for Kinley. Grant said I would scream in my sleep and I would also wake up crying. I just couldn't escape.

My sister, Jaala, finally got a hold of me and told me everything was going to be alright. I can't even remember exactly what she said, other than the fact that she calmed me down and brought me back into reality. She suggested I call my case worker, Chelsea, and schedule a counseling session to just express my feelings. I didn't want to talk to anyone because my mind was set that there was no being happy about anything. after talking to her for a while, I decided I would send her a text. I sent it and then decided to go for a long run with our puppy. I ran until my body couldn't go any farther and until I had some what of a clear mind. I noticed I received a text message while I was running so when I got to a stopping point, I read it and i seriously felt like my whole world just dropped. LDS Family Services doesn't provide services in Grand Junction anymore and so Chelsea isn't legally allowed to give me council anymore. I literally fell to the ground sobbing. I built up enough courage to ask for help and I couldn't even receive any. I fell to my knees, dog leash in hand, in the middle of a park and just yelled "What do you want from me?" I thought I had things under control, but it all fell to pieces AGAIN! I prayed and prayed, I don't even know if anyone walked by (what a sight that would be to see) I just asked Heavenly Father for help and and told him I couldn't do it on my own anymore. When I got the strength to get back up, I read the rest of the text and Chelsea had called the LDSFS director in Denver and left him a message to call me back. I was so grateful she did that for me, especially since I don't think I would have gotten the courage again to call him.

As I walked back home, I felt such an overwhelming peace in my mind. That peace and comfort I had been lacking all week. It felt like the sun was coming out of the storm clouds and I felt the warmth of The Savior. I got home and opened up LDS.org and searched for some talks and videos that would help me out. I came across a Mormon Message video that I had seen before, but it never really effected until that day.

If you can't view the video, click HERE

I love everything about this video, and I think that those of you who aren't LDS can pull something from this little video. After watching that sweet message, I was finally able to get rid of all of those negative feelings and finally be able to find some optimism and see everything in a bigger picture. All the feelings of regret, being shut out, and being the victim left and I was reminded of why everything was the way it is.

Yes- adoption is hard. It's still hard almost a year later. And I'm sure these emotions of grief will come fresh and real as ever again multiple times throughout my life. I just always have to remember that Heavenly Father and Jesus are here with open arms if we just pray.

So why am I telling you this story in my Easter post? Because it ALL ties into the atonement. Jesus suffered in the garden and hung on the cross for us. He sacrificed everything so that I don't have to suffer through this grief and pain. The Lord knows exactly how I feel. He has felt the feelings of grief, loss, emotional pain, everything. And that is why he suffered, so we don't. He did that so I wouldn't feel alone in my journey. So everyone won't feel alone in their own personal struggles as well. All we have to do is be willing to take our burdens off of our shoulders and lay them down for Him. He has made the promise to take our hurts away if we follow and believe in him. This whole week I could have felt the light, if I just knelt down and prayed and let him lift those 'bricks' from my back.

I don't know why I do that- try and do it on my own, I mean. I guess it's because I'm very stubborn and I always want to do things on my own. But in all reality, there are some things in life we can not do on our own. And this adoption journey is one of them. Without the atonement, I'd be trying to do this all on my own. What a great gift we all have on this earth.

And so, my struggle to get a post written really turned into a lesson. Apparently I was due for a little reprimand from the heavens to remember to always turn to The Lord in time of darkness. It just shows that if we slack on keeping our spiritual lives up, the adversary has a way at weaseling in and making us feel like nothing. Satan isn't always the classic devil on the shoulder telling you to steal the candy bar or to hit your brother we learn when we are little kids. He has a way of getting into your emotions and making you feel like you are worthless and there is no light or way out.

I'm so thankful for the atonement in my life. And I'm also very grateful for knowing and learning about it since I was a little girl. Although I would never wish this kind of pain on anyone and it isn't my first choice of a trial I'd want in my life, I'm grateful for The Savior's sacrifice for me to be able to bare it.

And this is why I love Easter so much. It reminds me of how much I have in my life and reminds me just how much our Savior loves us!