I often find myself looking back at my life and wonder "Could I have done more?" I wonder if I could have saved enough money and been able to parent my girl, maybe I could have tried just a little bit harder and figured out how to raise her on my own. I've found I think these things when I see the birth dad in public or his family. Would they have helped me? Would I have found a better job and worked my tail off to provide for her? I wonder if I decided to parent, would I still get married to my wonderful husband? If so- we definitely could raise her. I wonder sometimes if I really did all I could. I see teen moms all the time come in to Old Navy (where I work) with their babies- and I sometimes I have an ounce of jealousy because I wish I could be in their shoes parenting Kinley. I could be sitting here playing toys with her instead of writing on a blog. I could be waking up early every morning to feed and clothe my princess instead of waking up and feeding my puppy. I could sing songs and read stories to my peanut every night instead of wondering what she is doing. I could be taking my pretty girl in public and getting oos and awe's from strangers, but instead, no one knows I have such a beautiful daughter. I could go to the pool with my stretch marks showing and people would understand because I have my baby with me, but instead, people are confused and wonder why my body is so "torn apart". Could I have handled being a single mom? Could I have been the mom I know I can be?
All of these questions have been circulating my mind the past couple days. Mostly because I have seen birth dad twice in a row in public and have had border line anxiety attacks because I never quite know how to act or what to feel. All I have done is sat and stewed over these questions and fantasies of being with Kinley. I hate that just one person can make me feel like crap. I hate that there isn't 100% closure and I hate that I feel trapped and insecure. I've gone through scenarios in my head if I ever bumped into him but when it's the real deal- I panic.
I've also learned that wondering and playing the "what if" game gets me no where and I actually feel worse after thinking those things. Being a birth mom is hard work. I have to learn to not think things, learn to live without my pride and joy,and lots more other things!
After typing all of this out- I've realized that maybe...just MAYBE I could have accomplished all those things above- but raising a child can't be all about "maybe's" I gave her the life she needed and a "For Sure" life. She for sure will be provided for. She for sure will have a stable home. She for sure will have a mom AND a dad.
Thanks for reading my thoughts and have a wonderful day!
With Easter last week, I thought it would be a good idea to write a blog about it. Easter has become my favorite holiday. I never really thought of Easter as a very big holiday. I have been LDS my whole life, but I never really had a huge testimony of the atonement and resurrection until recently, so Easter never had a big impact in my life other than the fact that I worship Jesus. I always knew and appreciated the ultimate sacrifice He provided for us, but it's different when you have personally experienced this love especially in a life-changing way, like I have. So with that stated, I will continue to explain why I have been, yet again, amazed at our Savior's love and never failing concern for me, and all of his children.
I was so excited about Easter this year because I have such a strong love for Jesus and I was wanting to write this post on the actual day, but I just couldn't think of what to write. I have so much to say about Easter and how it relates to me, but I just couldn't get the passion to write about anything that would impact anyone or anything. I didn't want to write a boring post and the only experience I could think of being so moved by The Lord, was something I had already written about. I think Heavenly Father has a sick sense of humor sometimes and took this as a challenge. I, like most people, sometimes forget to pray and read my scriptures, especially when life is going so well. I was having such a great spring break and I felt on top of the world, i kind of put my scripture reading aside and would fall asleep and forget to say my personal prayers.
By the end of the night on sunday, I was just having a really hard time with the adoption. I was missing Kinley so terribly and I was already stressed about school because I'm not having such a great semester. I had one of those "sneak attacks" like I have explained before, where I will be great and then have a wave of grief. I had the WOST low I have ever had since placement. I felt like I was in a black hole this whole week. I skipped school all week, taking NyQuill to sleep because I would just stay awake at night stressing and worrying about Kinley, I had nightmares every night, the list goes on, This week has been the worst week ever. I had this false thought in my head that I was being shut out of my adoption, I was even feeling regret about the whole adoption, I was doubting Toby and Nicole's promise to love my baby and keep the adoption agreement, I wanted to delete my blog and quit advocating adoption all together because I didn't want anyone to feel like I did and I was starting to think thoughts like all of those "angry birth mothers". I just couldn't understand why Heavenly Father was putting me through all of this. I had such an AMAZING confirmation about adoption and that I did the best thing, why was I feeling I did the wrong thing? I just wanted my baby back and I wished I never placed her. I would just sit in my bed in the dark and cry and sob and cry and cry and cry. My husband tried to help as much as he could (bless his heart) but I would just push him away and not want to talk about it. I would tell him I made a mistake placing Kinley. I just wanted my baby back. Other birth moms tried to help and tell me that they had been through the same things and they went through fazes where they felt the same way and that things DO get better. I just couldn't believe them. Part of me was thinking "Laura, quit thinking these thoughts, you are out of control" but the other part of me just couldn't see the big picture. I felt to stuck and I just wanted out. Not in a suicidal way, but I just could not see any happy or optimistic way in anything. I had horrible dreams about having another baby that I was forced out of my free will into it placing for adoption I also had dreams of having a baby and wanting to trade it for Kinley. Grant said I would scream in my sleep and I would also wake up crying. I just couldn't escape.
My sister, Jaala, finally got a hold of me and told me everything was going to be alright. I can't even remember exactly what she said, other than the fact that she calmed me down and brought me back into reality. She suggested I call my case worker, Chelsea, and schedule a counseling session to just express my feelings. I didn't want to talk to anyone because my mind was set that there was no being happy about anything. after talking to her for a while, I decided I would send her a text. I sent it and then decided to go for a long run with our puppy. I ran until my body couldn't go any farther and until I had some what of a clear mind. I noticed I received a text message while I was running so when I got to a stopping point, I read it and i seriously felt like my whole world just dropped. LDS Family Services doesn't provide services in Grand Junction anymore and so Chelsea isn't legally allowed to give me council anymore. I literally fell to the ground sobbing. I built up enough courage to ask for help and I couldn't even receive any. I fell to my knees, dog leash in hand, in the middle of a park and just yelled "What do you want from me?" I thought I had things under control, but it all fell to pieces AGAIN! I prayed and prayed, I don't even know if anyone walked by (what a sight that would be to see) I just asked Heavenly Father for help and and told him I couldn't do it on my own anymore. When I got the strength to get back up, I read the rest of the text and Chelsea had called the LDSFS director in Denver and left him a message to call me back. I was so grateful she did that for me, especially since I don't think I would have gotten the courage again to call him.
As I walked back home, I felt such an overwhelming peace in my mind. That peace and comfort I had been lacking all week. It felt like the sun was coming out of the storm clouds and I felt the warmth of The Savior. I got home and opened up LDS.org and searched for some talks and videos that would help me out. I came across a Mormon Message video that I had seen before, but it never really effected until that day.
I love everything about this video, and I think that those of you who aren't LDS can pull something from this little video. After watching that sweet message, I was finally able to get rid of all of those negative feelings and finally be able to find some optimism and see everything in a bigger picture. All the feelings of regret, being shut out, and being the victim left and I was reminded of why everything was the way it is.
Yes- adoption is hard. It's still hard almost a year later. And I'm sure these emotions of grief will come fresh and real as ever again multiple times throughout my life. I just always have to remember that Heavenly Father and Jesus are here with open arms if we just pray.
So why am I telling you this story in my Easter post? Because it ALL ties into the atonement. Jesus suffered in the garden and hung on the cross for us. He sacrificed everything so that I don't have to suffer through this grief and pain. The Lord knows exactly how I feel. He has felt the feelings of grief, loss, emotional pain, everything. And that is why he suffered, so we don't. He did that so I wouldn't feel alone in my journey. So everyone won't feel alone in their own personal struggles as well. All we have to do is be willing to take our burdens off of our shoulders and lay them down for Him. He has made the promise to take our hurts away if we follow and believe in him. This whole week I could have felt the light, if I just knelt down and prayed and let him lift those 'bricks' from my back.
I don't know why I do that- try and do it on my own, I mean. I guess it's because I'm very stubborn and I always want to do things on my own. But in all reality, there are some things in life we can not do on our own. And this adoption journey is one of them. Without the atonement, I'd be trying to do this all on my own. What a great gift we all have on this earth.
And so, my struggle to get a post written really turned into a lesson. Apparently I was due for a little reprimand from the heavens to remember to always turn to The Lord in time of darkness. It just shows that if we slack on keeping our spiritual lives up, the adversary has a way at weaseling in and making us feel like nothing. Satan isn't always the classic devil on the shoulder telling you to steal the candy bar or to hit your brother we learn when we are little kids. He has a way of getting into your emotions and making you feel like you are worthless and there is no light or way out.
I'm so thankful for the atonement in my life. And I'm also very grateful for knowing and learning about it since I was a little girl. Although I would never wish this kind of pain on anyone and it isn't my first choice of a trial I'd want in my life, I'm grateful for The Savior's sacrifice for me to be able to bare it.
And this is why I love Easter so much. It reminds me of how much I have in my life and reminds me just how much our Savior loves us!
Everyone has at least one fear. Whether it be heights, spiders, the dark, or the boogy man. Before I placed Kinley for adoption I had these fears also. The dark and heights being a few. After placement though- I have developed a few more that are bit bigger than the lack of light or looking over ledges. I always thought I was being silly, but the more I have expressed publicly, I have found lots of other birthmothers have the same fears.
1. Not being able to be a mom
I have heard stories of women giving birth normally with no complications and then having something go wrong after delivery and they can no longer have children or women who's bodies just don't want to have babies again. I always fear that my body will only be able to have one child and that was Kinley, who I'm not parenting. I've also feared that I would marry a man that is sterile. It's close to impossible that these things would happen, but it's always in the back of my mind.
2. Kinley feeling unwanted
I've been learning a lot about the different sides of adoption and I have come across a few angry adoptees. They express how they feel unwanted and confused about their adoption and don't know why their birthmothers 'gave them up'. There's also anger involved when expressing their feelings and they just can't understand why they were placed with their adopted family. I sometimes fear Kinley will feel this way when she is older. I fear that she will be bitter towards me and feel alone and never be able to forgive me or understand my reasonings for adoption.
Toby and Nicole are amazing people and they are doing a wonderful job at raising my princess. I know that they will tell Kinley everything and be open to her about this whole journey and I know that they will do everything in their power to provide Kinley with enough love that she won't ever have to feel lonely or unwanted. This is one of the biggest reasons for my blog- to write down my feelings so that Kinley will be able to come and read what is going through my mind and know that placing her was everything but abandonment and not wanting her. I make it a priority to send her at least a letter often to update her on my life and to express my love to her. My door will always be open for her. I can't wait for her to become older and be able to ask me questions and things.
3. Finding someone who will accept me and my decisions
This fear has been booted out because I have found an amazing man who supports and accepts my past. But before I met him, I feared I would find an amazing guy and build a great relationship with him and then tell him about Kinley and have him back out of the relationship or judge me harshly. It's pretty big news to tell someone you had a baby and placed her. It brings 'having baggage' to a whole new level. There are lots of emotional ups and downs they have to be patient with and lots of sympathy and understanding that comes right along with it. I also feared that I would tell a guy about Kinley and they wouldn't be supportive of the open adoption. I was scared they would think it was weird to have visits and contact with this baby that wasn't even theirs.
I have been so blessed to have found a guy who is so open minded and understanding towards my decisions with Kinley. Grant was a friend throughout my pregnancy and he was a friend after. He has made room in his heart not only for me, but for sweet Kinley. He is so willing and excited to come to visits with me. He gets a huge smile when I receive pictures of her, and he is most of all so patient with my emotional side with the adoption. He wasn't there for the placement, but he has done all he can to try and understand the adoption. He doesn't know 100% what I go through and feel, but he is always there to wipe my tears and just hold me when it has been a rough day. I was so so scared I would always be alone and that no one would be kind-hearted enough to step up and take care of me, but I was proven wrong(thanks babe).
These have been my biggest worries and I have come to realize that a lot of other birth moms have the same fears. I'm not saying that all birthmothers have all these same exact fears, I'm just saying that it is so interesting that through one similar life-changing experience (placement) birth mothers can relate so well to one another.
Happy new year everybody!! It's a very common tradition for us to make New Years resolutions at the start of each year. Usually we pick something and stick with it for a few weeks or months and then slowly slip out of habit and forget about that resolution.
I am no exception to this common act! In fact- the past 3 or so years I've refused to make a New Years resolution because I know myself all too well and I never stick to my goal anyways so why make one?
Well this year I am challenging myself to a New Years resolution that I have been trying to do since the summer when Kinley was born. And with the hype of everyone being goal oriented, I decided to jump on the band wagon and go all out to overcome this obstacle! You're probably wondering what this resolution has to do with my adoption journey and why I'm blogging about it- but it has a lot to do with my adoption and I have also found if you tell lots of people about your goals or thoughts, they will support you and hold you accountable to accomplishing it:)
Alright- so the New Years resolution (drum role please)... This year my goal is to overcome anger I have towards Kinley's birthfather and his fiancé and to forgive her birthfather for all the hurt I have felt! Ok this might sound so stupid and you're probably thinking 'why didn't she do that before?' Well it's not as easy as it seems and to be honest, I have been trying for the past year!
So I have been reading and talking with other people about how to overcome anger to someone and they have all said to write a letter but don't send it or talk to them in person and straiten things out. To be honest- writing a letter is a good idea but knowing that the letter will never reach them won't be effective for me. And sitting down face to face would not solve anything because it would end up being a cat fight or something. So I have resorted to writing on my blog. It's like writing a letter- it won't be sent to them directly but it's out in the open and in my mind- they have 100% access to it so its as good as sending it. And plus it gets rid of the face to face cat fight because if they want to feel angry, I won't know about it.
So here it goes...
Dear birth dad-
It all started when I found out I was pregnant with Kinley. We were scared to death and didn't know what to do. I felt hurt when you didn't seem motivated to find a better job. I felt hurt when you would rather go hang out with friends instead of help sort out our situation. I was starting to get cold feet in our relationship because you didn't seem on board. When we broke up I didn't even know we broke up until I logged onto Facebook and it said we were single. You used our break up as fuel to make me look like the bad guy. You told everyone I treated you bad and that I expected too much from you. I felt so hurt by this because I was pregnant with your child and I couldn't tell anyone yet because it was too soon. I was made out to look like this heartless person who just broke up with you because I was too stuck up and needy. When in reality there was a whole other element to the situation (an unborn child).
I felt hurt when you were worried about partying and drinking instead of showing support to your child. I was hurt when you denied our baby to your friends. I was hurt when we were planning on keeping the baby and you wanted to sign your rights away and have nothing to do with it. I was hurt you lied to everyone and made me look like an idiot.
When the news of me being pregnant was public you denied being the dad. You lied and said I never told you about her until I was 5 months along when you were there when I took the test. I was hurt when you took me to lunch and told me you wanted to help me pick out adoptive couples and help me anyway you could and the next day you told me never to talk to you. I was hurt when you told me you loved me still and the next day found out you got back together with your ex and were engaged.
I was hurt when you told your parents you weren't the father and I cheated on you and I was making up lies. I was hurt when I asked you to be at the hospital after she was born and you ignored my text. I was hurt that you didn't call, text, anything when she was born. I was hurt when the case worker told me you didn't want to make an adoption plan with Kinley.
Dear birthdad's fiancé
It all started 2 days before Kinley was born. I had asked you to stop requesting me on various social media sites. You lashed back with hateful comments and mean words. I was hurt when you called me a slut. I was hurt when you told me birth dad wanted nothing to do with me or my child. I was hurt when you called me stuck up for being rude in high school. I was hurt when you told me I cheated on birth dad and I'm pathetic because I was pinning a baby on birth dad. I was hurt when you bad mouthed my religion that I love so dearly. I was especially hurt when you said I was a bad Mormon for becoming pregnant. I was mostly hurt because you are a fellow birthmother. You know what it is like to place your child and all the hurt and pain that comes with it. You know how difficult the last parts of pregnancy are anticipating the placement. You especially know what it is like to do it alone because you had to also. When all the placement was over I felt attacked when you started prying into Kinley's new parents lives via social media. I was protective of the fact you were getting in the middle of my situation. I was annoyed that you started copying my ideas of adoption advocacy. I felt threatened that it seemed like you were stealing my adoption support system. I felt threatened when you tried to be in Kinley's life and send her packages and gifts. I feel that isn't your place and you need to focus on your own birth son.
I didn't write this to point fingers or blame anyone or start more drama with these two. I just needed to get it all off of my chest. I have come to terms with all of the stated above. I have already formed my life around the fact that birth dad is non existent. I have excepted that fact and it is what it is. I have also excepted the fact that his fiancé was rude to me. Probably the the meanest anyone has ever been to me in my life- but what was done is done.
I am a true believer that people change. I have changed so much myself. It happens and I'll be first to admit others can too. These two people may have changed as people quite a bit since 6 months ago and that is fine. It's awesome actually. If they have- I have no idea. I don't have access in their lives nor do I ever plan to. The fact of the matter is the kind of people I have been left with the impression of is not so great. I have built up so much anger and bitter feelings it makes me feel so icky inside.
I hate hating people. It breaks you down inside and you find yourself stressing over people and creating more anger and all you do with your time is think about how much you hate them and all the mean things you want to say and do to them. It has made me so bitter sometimes and I hate wasting my thoughts about it. I have worked so hard and have come to peace with my adoption decisions and have been starting to see the light at the end of this dark tunnel. It seems like all areas of this journey have come to peace except the topic of the birth dad.
If Jesus can forgive the people who put him on the cross, I think I can forgive the people that have hurt me. I have read several quotes about forgiveness and a lot of them talk about when you forgive someone you realize you were the prisoner the whole time. It's so true. I don't enjoy holding this grudge and I'm so ready to drop it. I want to hear their names and wish them well instead of wish them dead. I want to see them in public and not get heated. I want to see them in public and feel nothing more or less than what I felt seeing other strangers.
Birth dad and I will always be connected with the fact that we made Kinley but I want that to be the only thing. No anger or hatred connected. No love or relationship either. I don't expect a friendship out of this...just acquaintances. I want the peace of mind knowing I don't hate anyone. I want to live worry free(don't we all?)
So that's my New Years resolution. It's quite complicated but I'm determined to work hard at it. I don't have a dead line as to when I want to accomplish it- I just have the desire to work on it. If it takes a few months, great but if it takes more than a year, then it takes more than a year.
I've accomplished so much in my life and have worked hard to be in the great spot that I am at and I feel this is the last step in my healing process! Wish me luck:)
I know the title of this post is a little different and adverse, but you will see why. A birth mother's emotions are indescribable and very different than anything else. The only other feeling I can relate it to is when someone you love dies. But even then, it still isn't the same. When someone dies, your heart aches knowing you won't be able to see them again. It feels like you have hit a brick wall and you just want to scream because you miss them so much. With placing a baby, you have the heart ache, definitely, but when you are about to hit that brick wall, you are over come with peace and comfort because your child isn't dead, they aren't gone forever, they are still alive and are going to have the best life possible. Like a deceased person, a birthmother may not be able to hold, see, and kiss their loved one everyday, but there is light knowing that they are going to grow up happy with a whole family!
Wow- that was some introduction!
The first week without Kinley was such a whirlwind of emotions. If the emotions mentioned above weren't bad enough, I'll add I was in pain and tired from giving birth, having stitches, and being up for 48 hours strait! I was getting used to having no baby in me, trying to comprehend what happened and my hormones going wacko didn't help one bit.
We got home from the hospital at about 9 pm and all I wanted to do was fall into bed. I was so emotionally numb. I had just done the hardest thing imaginable and I was still trying to soak it all in. I was tired of crying because that's what I did the whole day. I just wanted to sleep and maybe it would go away. It all felt like such a dream. My sisters spent the night at my house for support and it was so nice- especially since I needed their help going to the bathroom still- hehe.
I woke up the next morning to the sound of a door creaking and I jumped up in bed thinking it was Kinley. But I opened my eyes and there was no baby in a cradle next to me. No baby to be seen in my arms and definitely no baby in my belly. I felt a sort of panic until I remembered I had placed my baby last night. And to that thought, I sobbed and sobbed.
I had so much time to grow this baby and all the resources to read about what exactly I had to expect when I was pregnant and giving birth. You know- morning sickness, labor, and caring for myself after birth. I had it all down like the back of my hand and I was so prepared. But I was no where prepared for what it would be like to have my baby away from me. In a sense it felt like I had her and then she was just taken from my arms and she ripped a chunk of my heart with her. It's the most indescribable feeling. It just happened so fast it seemed and it took a good week to some what catch my breath and figure out what I was feeling.
Even now- 5 months later, the feeling of loss and grief are still real and strong as ever. I always expected to maybe get over the loss and grief stage in a couple months and be able to just jump back into my life like nothing happened. Sort of like an ex boyfriend. But I was so wrong. You never 100% 'get over' your baby. You never forget or jump back into your 'old life'. You can't just pretend it never happened and be 'normal'. When you place a baby- you are placing something that is 100% yours! Kinley is a human being MY human being. She is my flesh and blood, my DNA and biology. There is no way I could just 'get over' her. She will always be there in the back if my mind. She is always in my thoughts. It's amazing how much I love her and would do ANYTHING for her. I will always miss her and feel a part of my heart is missing, but there is comfort knowing that she isn't gone forever.
I heard a quote the other day and it said- 'when you lose your child to adoption, you never quite get over it. You just slowly learn how to go on without them. But always keeping them tucked safely in your heart.'
How accurate and head on that quote is. I will always feel sad and sense of loss for the rest of my life- but I will always feel happy and sense of peace and comfort at the same time.
It sounds like birth moms are bipolar- but it's just a whirlwind of emotions. I never expected to feel this way and I don't think anyone can be 'prepared' for it, but it is what it is.
I felt the need to write this post because the more I have dove into the adoption community, I have learned so many negative views on adoption. I have heard people's opinions that birth mothers abandon their children, birth moms are forever doomed because of depression and trauma, birth moms always get the short end of the stick etc
Maybe I'm not like the rest- but I definitely don't suffer from depression or trauma. I have found my way to vent and heal by blogging and think that if more birth mothers found an out- they too would have a better outlook. I also understand other birth moms have totally different situations, but I want to help represent those who have had a great turnout. I want to help change the negative look on adoption and being a birth mom.
I do believe a lot of the times birth moms may get the 'short end of the stick' but I see it as we don't get the type of respect we deserve. Birth moms give the gift of life and sacrifice their own child to have a better life for all 3 parties and people tend to look past the birth mom, the one who made it all happen and skip right to the adoptive couple. I want to make it clear that adoptive families are amazing and they definitely have a lot of love to welcome a baby into their home and care for it. I just think that Birth Mothers don't get seen in the right light sometimes. A lot of this could be because birth mothers are just recently being heard and adoption is becoming more public. In years past- being a birth mom was unspeakable and and in this day in age, it is more open and the world I feel is a little more accepting. I tell myself all the time that I am so thankful I can be a birth mom in this decade because of the new approach of open adoptions and being open about touchy things like placing your baby.
I'm not even going to touch much on the myth that birthmothers abandon their children because it winds my up in anger and plus- I feel like all my past posts shoots that idea down in a second!
I have kind of gone to China and back with this post but I wanted to inform others. The best way to cure ignorance is to inform right? The best way for people to understand your feelings and situations is to shed some light on the matter. I hope I have informed and answered any questions about being a birthmother! I am so blessed to be one.
