Easter and My Adoption Journey

With Easter last week, I thought it would be a good idea to write a blog about it. Easter has become my favorite holiday. I never really thought of Easter as a very big holiday. I have been LDS my whole life, but I never really had a huge testimony of the atonement and resurrection until recently, so Easter never had a big impact in my life other than the fact that I worship Jesus. I always knew and appreciated the ultimate sacrifice He provided for us, but it's different when you have personally experienced this love especially in a life-changing way, like I have. So with that stated, I will continue to explain why I have been, yet again, amazed at our Savior's love and never failing concern for me, and all of his children.

I was so excited about Easter this year because I have such a strong love for Jesus and I was wanting to write this post on the actual day, but I just couldn't think of what to write. I have so much to say about Easter and how it relates to me, but I just couldn't get the passion to write about anything that would impact anyone or anything. I didn't want to write a boring post and the only experience I could think of being so moved by The Lord, was something I had already written about. I think Heavenly Father has a sick sense of humor sometimes and took this as a challenge. I, like most people, sometimes forget to pray and read my scriptures, especially when life is going so well. I was having such a great spring break and I felt on top of the world, i kind of put my scripture reading aside and would fall asleep and forget to say my personal prayers.

By the end of the night on sunday, I was just having a really hard time with the adoption. I was missing Kinley so terribly and I was already stressed about school because I'm not having such a great semester.   I had one of those "sneak attacks" like I have explained before, where I will be great and then have a wave of grief. I had the WOST low I have ever had since placement. I felt like I was in a black hole this whole week. I skipped school all week, taking NyQuill to sleep because I would just stay awake at night stressing and worrying about Kinley, I had nightmares every night, the list goes on, This week has been the worst week ever. I had this false thought in my head that I was being shut out of my adoption, I was even feeling regret about the whole adoption, I was doubting Toby and Nicole's promise to love my baby and keep the adoption agreement, I wanted to delete my blog and quit advocating adoption all together because I didn't want anyone to feel like I did and I was starting to think thoughts like all of those "angry birth mothers".  I just couldn't understand why Heavenly Father was putting me through all of this. I had such an AMAZING confirmation about adoption and that I did the best thing, why was I feeling I did the wrong thing? I just wanted my baby back and I wished I never placed her. I would just sit in my bed in the dark and cry and sob and cry and cry and cry. My husband tried to help as much as he could (bless his heart) but I would just push him away and not want to talk about it. I would tell him I made a mistake placing Kinley. I just wanted my baby back. Other birth moms tried to help and tell me that they had been through the same things and they went through fazes where they felt the same way and that things DO get better. I just couldn't believe them. Part of me was thinking "Laura, quit thinking these thoughts, you are out of control" but the other part of me just couldn't see the big picture. I felt to stuck and I just wanted out. Not in a suicidal way, but I just could not see any happy or optimistic way in anything. I had horrible dreams about having another baby that I was forced out of my free will into it placing for adoption I also had dreams of having a baby and wanting to trade it for Kinley. Grant said I would scream in my sleep and I would also wake up crying. I just couldn't escape.

My sister, Jaala, finally got a hold of me and told me everything was going to be alright. I can't even remember exactly what she said, other than the fact that she calmed me down and brought me back into reality. She suggested I call my case worker, Chelsea, and schedule a counseling session to just express my feelings. I didn't want to talk to anyone because my mind was set that there was no being happy about anything. after talking to her for a while, I decided I would send her a text. I sent it and then decided to go for a long run with our puppy. I ran until my body couldn't go any farther and until I had some what of a clear mind. I noticed I received a text message while I was running so when I got to a stopping point, I read it and i seriously felt like my whole world just dropped. LDS Family Services doesn't provide services in Grand Junction anymore and so Chelsea isn't legally allowed to give me council anymore. I literally fell to the ground sobbing. I built up enough courage to ask for help and I couldn't even receive any. I fell to my knees, dog leash in hand, in the middle of a park and just yelled "What do you want from me?" I thought I had things under control, but it all fell to pieces AGAIN! I prayed and prayed, I don't even know if anyone walked by (what a sight that would be to see) I just asked Heavenly Father for help and and told him I couldn't do it on my own anymore. When I got the strength to get back up, I read the rest of the text and Chelsea had called the LDSFS director in Denver and left him a message to call me back. I was so grateful she did that for me, especially since I don't think I would have gotten the courage again to call him.

As I walked back home, I felt such an overwhelming peace in my mind. That peace and comfort I had been lacking all week. It felt like the sun was coming out of the storm clouds and I felt the warmth of The Savior. I got home and opened up LDS.org and searched for some talks and videos that would help me out. I came across a Mormon Message video that I had seen before, but it never really effected until that day.

If you can't view the video, click HERE

I love everything about this video, and I think that those of you who aren't LDS can pull something from this little video. After watching that sweet message, I was finally able to get rid of all of those negative feelings and finally be able to find some optimism and see everything in a bigger picture. All the feelings of regret, being shut out, and being the victim left and I was reminded of why everything was the way it is.

Yes- adoption is hard. It's still hard almost a year later. And I'm sure these emotions of grief will come fresh and real as ever again multiple times throughout my life. I just always have to remember that Heavenly Father and Jesus are here with open arms if we just pray.

So why am I telling you this story in my Easter post? Because it ALL ties into the atonement. Jesus suffered in the garden and hung on the cross for us. He sacrificed everything so that I don't have to suffer through this grief and pain. The Lord knows exactly how I feel. He has felt the feelings of grief, loss, emotional pain, everything. And that is why he suffered, so we don't. He did that so I wouldn't feel alone in my journey. So everyone won't feel alone in their own personal struggles as well. All we have to do is be willing to take our burdens off of our shoulders and lay them down for Him. He has made the promise to take our hurts away if we follow and believe in him. This whole week I could have felt the light, if I just knelt down and prayed and let him lift those 'bricks' from my back.

I don't know why I do that- try and do it on my own, I mean. I guess it's because I'm very stubborn and I always want to do things on my own. But in all reality, there are some things in life we can not do on our own. And this adoption journey is one of them. Without the atonement, I'd be trying to do this all on my own. What a great gift we all have on this earth.

And so, my struggle to get a post written really turned into a lesson. Apparently I was due for a little reprimand from the heavens to remember to always turn to The Lord in time of darkness. It just shows that if we slack on keeping our spiritual lives up, the adversary has a way at weaseling in and making us feel like nothing. Satan isn't always the classic devil on the shoulder telling you to steal the candy bar or to hit your brother we learn when we are little kids. He has a way of getting into your emotions and making you feel like you are worthless and there is no light or way out.

I'm so thankful for the atonement in my life. And I'm also very grateful for knowing and learning about it since I was a little girl. Although I would never wish this kind of pain on anyone and it isn't my first choice of a trial I'd want in my life, I'm grateful for The Savior's sacrifice for me to be able to bare it.

And this is why I love Easter so much. It reminds me of how much I have in my life and reminds me just how much our Savior loves us!

Fears

Everyone has at least one fear. Whether it be heights, spiders, the dark, or the boogy man. Before I placed Kinley for adoption I had these fears also. The dark and heights being a few. After placement though- I have developed a few more that are bit bigger than the lack of light or looking over ledges. I always thought I was being silly, but the more I have expressed publicly, I have found lots of other birthmothers have the same fears.

1. Not being able to be a mom
I have heard stories of women giving birth normally with no complications and then having something go wrong after delivery and they can no longer have children or women who's bodies just don't want to have babies again. I always fear that my body will only be able to have one child and that was Kinley, who I'm not parenting. I've also feared that I would marry a man that is sterile. It's close to impossible that these things would happen, but it's always in the back of my mind.

2. Kinley feeling unwanted
I've been learning a lot about the different sides of adoption and I have come across a few angry adoptees. They express how they feel unwanted and confused about their adoption and don't know why their birthmothers 'gave them up'. There's also anger involved when expressing their feelings and they just can't understand why they were placed with their adopted family. I sometimes fear Kinley will feel this way when she is older. I fear that she will be bitter towards me and feel alone and never be able to forgive me or understand my reasonings for adoption.

Toby and Nicole are amazing people and they are doing a wonderful job at raising my princess. I know that they will tell Kinley everything and be open to her about this whole journey and I know that they will do everything in their power to provide Kinley with enough love that she won't ever have to feel lonely or unwanted. This is one of the biggest reasons for my blog- to write down my feelings so that Kinley will be able to come and read what is going through my mind and know that placing her was everything but abandonment and not wanting her. I make it a priority to send her at least a letter often to update her on my life and to express my love to her. My door will always be open for her. I can't wait for her to become older and be able to ask me questions and things.

3. Finding someone who will accept me and my decisions
This fear has been booted out because I have found an amazing man who supports and accepts my past. But before I met him, I feared I would find an amazing guy and build a great relationship with him and then tell him about Kinley and have him back out of the relationship or judge me harshly. It's pretty big news to tell someone you had a baby and placed her. It brings 'having baggage' to a whole new level. There are lots of emotional ups and downs they have to be patient with and lots of sympathy and understanding that comes right along with it. I also feared that I would tell a guy about Kinley and they wouldn't be supportive of the open adoption. I was scared they would think it was weird to have visits and contact with this baby that wasn't even theirs.

I have been so blessed to have found a guy who is so open minded and understanding towards my decisions with Kinley. Grant was a friend throughout my pregnancy and he was a friend after. He has made room in his heart not only for me, but for sweet Kinley. He is so willing and excited to come to visits with me. He gets a huge smile when I receive pictures of her, and he is most of all so patient with my emotional side with the adoption. He wasn't there for the placement, but he has done all he can to try and understand the adoption. He doesn't know 100% what I go through and feel, but he is always there to wipe my tears and just hold me when it has been a rough day. I was so so scared I would always be alone and that no one would be kind-hearted enough to step up and take care of me, but I was proven wrong(thanks babe).


These have been my biggest worries and I have come to realize that a lot of other birth moms have the same fears. I'm not saying that all birthmothers have all these same exact fears, I'm just saying that it is so interesting that through one similar life-changing experience (placement)  birth mothers can relate so well to one another.

From God's Arms to My Arms to Yours

I titled this blog after a song by Michael Mclean. I fell in love with this song and it describes mine and I'm sure other birth mom's stories.

This part of my blog has taken me forever to write. Kinley is almost 4 months old and I'm just barely brave enough to write the placement part of my journey. Although it's been 4 months- I am still (and probably forever will be) very sensitive when I talk or think about the placement of my angel daughter.

When the clock struck 8pm- Chelsea (my case worker) came in with the recorder (she was in charge of the paperwork and all the legal documents and she made sure everything was done the right way and all that boring technical stuff). She had a huge pile of paper work. I was dreading those papers my whole pregnancy. These papers terminated my rights as the parent and guardian of Kinley. After these papers were signed and mailed off, I had no voice in behalf of her. For 48 hours I had every say for her life and well being (there wasn't a lot of things I used this power for- but still I had it) and in 45 minutes- those rights were taken away. deleted. disappeared. snatched out from under me. given to people I was entrusting my daughter's life with. The thought of this broke my heart. The recorder had 3 sets of copies of the documents- one for me, one for the adoptive couple (I think- don't hold me to it), and one for the state. I needed two witnesses to sign and prove everything was legit. My mom, sisters, and dad took turns doing the honors. I held sleeping Kinley in my arms the whole signing. I cried every single time I heard the words 'I am terminating my rights as a parent' or 'I know after all is done- I have no say in anything in behalf of Kinley' or 'After the papers are signed there is no turning back' (I am generalizing these sentences of coarse) It pulled at my heart strings to know after this was final- it was 100% final. No turning back. No 'oops I change my mind's. nothing. I cried and cried and cried after page after page after page. I knew I was doing the right thing, but it was still hard knowing I was no longer going to be Kinley's legal mother. It took forever to read and answer all the questions and sign and initial all the pages. It took almost an hour. I was so exhusted from giving birth and not sleeping! I just wanted to curl up in a ball and wake up from this horrible dream. When the signing was over- I had my last hour with Kinley. Chelsea told me to text her when I was ready to see the adoptive couple and do the actual placement.

I couldn't help but take pictures of her while i signed papers

They left the room and I cried like a baby. I let all loose and just cried. Tears falling on Kinley's face. This was it. The moment of truce. The point in my life that I had been anticipating and fearing. I had spent 6 months in counseling preparing for this moment. I was terrified. I was sacrificing the most important thing I had in my entire life. I was giving the one thing in my life that was 100% mine to a family I barely knew, but I knew they were the right people. I had prayed, pleaded on my knees, cried to the Lord in fear and worry that this moment I was about to experience would go as good as it could. I was again stepping into uncharted territory- but this time, I prepared myself and I was ready to walk into the dark and figure it out.

I had bought an outfit for Kinley a long while back that I wanted her to wear when she went home from the hospital. It was a white little romper and a white bow. I imagined her being so beautiful in it. Me and my sisters dressed her up in it and we all started bawling. She looked like an angel. She looked like a baby in heaven. She was dressed in all white. She was so pure and innocent. I looked at her and for the foist time, I realized just how much of a little miracle she was. Not only to me, but to her new family. This little 6 pounds of sweetness had changed my life in so many ways. All positive. She was a living miracle. An angel on earth. I kissed her a million times before I let everyone else have there last hugs and kisses. Jaala held her so tight and rocked her back and forth. Told her how much she loved her. Same with Charnae. She gave her niece kisses and told her she was beautiful and would always love her. My mommy held her granddaughter in her arms so lovingly. It made me think of how Heavenly mother would hold her children. She was so gentle and whispered to her how special she was. When it came time for my dad to hold her, he became silent. He looked in her eyes (she had woken up) for a moment and then started singing her You Are My Sunshine. We all were brought to tears. To see my dad so sad and almost unable to sing, made me hurt inside. It made me realize that I wasn't the only one sacrificing something. My whole family loved that little girl. It hurt for all of them to say goodbye. After my dad sang to her, he handed her back. I gave her the biggest hug! I looked into her beautiful eyes and recited her my all time favorite poem: I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living, my baby you'll be. That was the hardest thing to say to her. I loved her, still love her and will always love her.

My heart was hurting so badly. The feeling in the room was so peaceful though. I felt like I could reach out and touch heaven. God was there with us and he was helping me. I always imagined him there helping me hand Kinley to her new mommy. I felt like someone was ripping my heart out. I had never felt that much pain in my life. I had never loved someone or something so much in my life and for it to be taken from me, hurt worse than being run over by a train. I had every opportunity to tell Chelsea not to mail the papers and that I changed my mind- but I knew I was doing the right thing. Heavenly Father was holding my hand at this moment. I could sense it. He was helping me face the biggest fear of my life. I just had to remember that I was doing the right thing and that I was prepared for it. My family and I talked for a while longer and then I felt it was time to text Chelsea that I was ready.

About 5 minutes later, Nicole, Toby, Taylee, and Chelsea came in. Nicole was holding a car seat and a big present. I cried more. I wished that car seat was mine and that I was the one taking Kiney home in it. We talked a little bit and then I finally took the stage. I told Nicole how much I loved her and her family and how I looked to her as a sister. I told them how much of a blessing they were in my life. I knew I was a huge blessing in their life, but because of them, I was able to live the life I was supposed to and they were giving me that opportunity by caring for my child. We were all teary eyed and Nicole and Toby expressed their appreciation and love towards me as well. Nicole gave me the big present and asked me to open a small box inside. Inside the box was a necklace. It had two little charms on it that said "Forever in my heart" and "Kinley". It was a necklace for me that had Kinley's name on it. I cried so hard. It was perfect. There couldn't have been a more perfect gift. I put it on immediately. After a few minutes of silence, I gave Kinley the biggest kiss and I got the guts to stand up. This was it.

I stood up and gave Toby and Nicole a hug. I paused in front of Nicole and just stood there for a few seconds. I had tears rolling down my face as I placed Kinley in her arms. It didn't even feel like I was doing it. I think Heavenly Father was helping me. I placed her in her arms and at that moment- I knew, I knew it was the right thing to do. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. Placing my most prized possession in the arms of a woman who so desperately needed it. The look in Nicole's eyes said it all. "Thank you" they said. I had so much pain in my heart, but at the same time, so much peace and love. I had given Toby and Nicole something they would have never been able to have if it weren't for me. I gave them the gift of life. The gift of a sweet baby girl. I felt so blessed and honored to be able to give them that gift. Although I was hurting so badly, I felt peace. I like to think that Kinley was always supposed to be Nicole and Toby's. Nicole's body just didn't function the right way, so I was the one who was supposed to grow Kinley and place her in their arms. Kinley is technically mine, but at the same time, she never was. She was supposed to be Nicole and Toby's the whole time. I was just the portal in which she got to them. Through choices- good and bad- Kinley found her way into Nicole's arms via me. God just had a better plan. I liked his plan. It enabled me to learn a big lesson and to bless lives. I loved the way Kinley looked in Nicole's arms. I loved the way the 4 of them looked together. They were a complete family. Although I didn't feel complete without my daughter, I felt happy that I caused them so much joy. They looked so happy. I stood back as they were getting pictures and they looked so so happy. Kinley is going to be a happy girl as she grows up.

My dad pulled me in and gave me a big hug. I was so grateful he was there. I was grateful that my mom and sisters were there too. I had my little support system with me when I did the hardest thing I think I'll ever do in my entire life. In my moment of hurt and sadness, my family held my hand, wiped my tears, and gave me hugs. I love my family so much. I don't know where I would be without them. I don't even want to imagine this journey without them. It would have been impossible- that's for sure. I am also so thankful for all my family that couldn't be there, my extended family, friends, ward members, etc that supported me through out my whole pregnancy! They helped my push through the hard parts of my pregnancy, my struggles, and they were an awesome cheering section.

I gave Nicole and Toby the low down on Kinley. When she needed to be fed, burped, how she liked to be held, where she liked to lay, how to wrap her up, how to sooth her etc. In that short 48 hours, I had learned so much about her and she had a lot of directions. I gathered up all my things and my family and I headed home. I couldn't wait to be in my own bed and just sleep. Sleeping cures so much.

Ready or Not, She's Gonna Come!

About 3 weeks before Kinley was born, I had a bit of a 'freak out'. I had  gone to the doctor for s regular appointment and he said I was 100% effaced and 3cm dilated! for those of you who don't know what that means, it means that I could go into labor at any second! At first I was soooo relieved because I was SO ready to be done being pregnant! I was so hot, uncomfortable, I couldn't sleep, and not to mention I felt HUGE! As the week went on- I started to freak out! I needed to pack a hospital bag, make her quilt, make her bows, finish a recordable book I had gotten, finish a journal I was keeping, AND wrap my head around having a freakin baby!! I was so overwhelmed and was panicking for a while!

I was also so overwhelmed and stressed about the adoptions. Reality was setting in and I didn't know if I could go through with the whole placement. I knew that this was what I needed to do, but I didn't know if I WANTED to! I was thinking of the worst and making up the worst case scenarios in my head! What if I get so depressed? What if I go crazy? I'm going to miss her so much and not be able to bare it! I'm going to be so sad forever and not move on with my life. I had such a hard time for about a week! I was up all nights worrying and stressing about what I was going to be like when this all was over. I tried to record the recordable book, but I couldn't even get through half of a page without balling my eyes out! I was wondering if adoption was really what I was supposed to do or if Heavenly Father was trying to tell me other wise.

I went to my appointment with Chelsea and just cried and cried and cried! Se told me that all my options were still open. I told her I was worried I'd end up in that dark place like I had been in at winter time. We talked about my fears, worries, and stresses! We wrote them down, came up with a plan as to how I would deal with the post-adoption blues. It helped a lot! I was still scared, but at least I had a plan. (remember- I'm a planner).

I felt a little better after talking with Chelsea, but I still had the scared feeling. I asked my dad and bishop to give me  a blessing. My sister, Jaala and her husband, Harrison were in town so we did it that day so that my dad, bishop, Dayle, and Harrison could give me a blessing. My dad blessed that I would know what was right and that I could be comforted in my time of struggle. He asked that God would watch over me and help me know what needed to be done. From that day on- I felt so much at peace!

I got all the things done that I needed to and finally felt ready-well as ready as you can feel about child birth! I felt this kind of peace and reassurance that I was just READY for Kinley to come! Because frankly, ready or not, babies DO come!

This is the quilt I made! 

The backing! (I LOVE elephants)

The quilt as a whole

This is a blanket I just bought at the store and I embroidered her name on it

All of her bows I made!