Could I Have Done More?

I often find myself looking back at my life and wonder "Could I have done more?" I wonder if I could have saved enough money and been able to parent my girl, maybe I could have tried just a little bit harder and figured out how to raise her on my own. I've found I think these things when I see the birth dad in public or his family. Would they have helped me? Would I have found a better job and worked my tail off to provide for her? I wonder if I decided to parent, would I still get married to my wonderful husband? If so- we definitely could raise her. I wonder sometimes if I really did all I could. I see teen moms all the time come in to Old Navy (where I work) with their babies- and I sometimes I have an ounce of jealousy because I wish I could be in their shoes parenting Kinley. I could be sitting here playing toys with her instead of writing on a blog. I could be waking up early every morning to feed and clothe my princess instead of waking up and feeding my puppy. I could sing songs and read stories to my peanut every night instead of wondering what she is doing. I could be taking my pretty girl in public and getting oos and awe's from strangers, but instead, no one knows I have such a beautiful daughter. I could go to the pool with my stretch marks showing and people would understand because I have my baby with me, but instead, people are confused and wonder why my body is so "torn apart". Could I have handled being a single mom? Could I have been the mom I know I can be? 

All of these questions have been circulating my mind the past couple days. Mostly because I have seen birth dad twice in a row in public and have had border line anxiety attacks because I never quite know how to act or what to feel.  All I have done is sat and stewed over these questions and fantasies of being with Kinley. I hate that just one person can make me feel like crap. I hate that there isn't 100% closure and I hate that I feel trapped and insecure. I've gone through scenarios in my head if I ever bumped into him but when it's the real deal- I panic. 

I've also learned that wondering and playing the "what if" game gets me no where and I actually feel worse after thinking those things. Being a birth mom is hard work. I have to learn to not think things, learn to live without my pride and joy,and lots more other things! 

After typing all of this out- I've realized that maybe...just MAYBE I could have accomplished all those things above- but raising a child can't be all about "maybe's" I gave her the life she needed and a "For Sure" life. She for sure will be provided for. She for sure will have a stable home. She for sure will have a mom AND a dad. 

Thanks for reading my thoughts and have a wonderful day!

Mother's Day

Today has really been a bitter-sweet day for me. To be honest, I have been dreading Mother's Day for the past few weeks. Mostly because I didn't really know what to expect or how I would feel. It is hard thinking that last Mother's Day I was pregnant and I felt more of a mom then than I do today. I was caring for my peanut and was "with" her 24/7. Today, I am baby less, not with her, and that is a hard thing to face. I know that I am a real mother, but it isn't the same when your child doesn't call you mom and you cant do those "motherly" things for her everyday.

Yesterday was Birth Mother's Day. I knew the Saturday before MD is always BMD, and I was actually pretty excited about it. I was excited that birthmothers had a day to be honored by others for our sacrifices and etc. I was actually going to blog yesterday and promote it and get all into it. But I read a BLOG a few days before about a birth mother who doesn't celebrate BMD. It really put things into perspective and I too decided that I would rather celebrate MD, even if it is painful. I think that it is great that there is a BMD, but I don't think that it should be the day before MD. It's a great feeling to be acknowledged for my sacrifice and great strength, but at the same time, I would rather be acknowledged for be the real mother I am. No, I don't parent Kinley, but I did give her life and I provided her with all I could offer, which I feel is what real mothers do. I think that having BMD the day before kind of pushes birthmothers away from MD. Maybe if BMD was another part of the year or something, it would be better. Anyways- I hope that makes sense.

Grant and I went to the temple yesterday. I purposely had us go so that I could get lost in The Lord's work instead of focussing on this weekend. It was a great time. We drove down to Monticello and had long conversations and laughed and had a great road trip. The temple was amazing of course, and the spirit was so strong. I love being in The Lord's house. There is nothing more peaceful than the temple.

 We had lunch in Moab and then drove the rest of the way back home. We got on the subject of MD and I expressed my concerns and sadness I was having for the day. He was so caring and he tried to comfort me the best he could. We spent the rest of the day cleaning and just relaxing. Grant surprised me with a dozen red roses. He said he wasn't going to get me anything because he wasn't sure if I wanted to just ignore MD as a whole or what. But he decided to get me some and it melted my heart how caring and supportive he is. I must add that Grant isn't a present person. Not because he is not a giving person or anything, he just isn't a huge present-giving person. So for him to get me flowers, it was a huge thing in its self. We packed some lunchables in the car and we went star gazing out at a trail. He made my day so much better.

When I woke up this morning, I didn't really want to got o church. Mostly because it's Mother's Day and they always talk about mothers and how amazing they are and all of that. Don't get me wrong- I LOVE my mom- it's just today is rough because I'm not the "typical" mother. I drug myself out of bed and we went to church and kept my cool pretty well until the little kids got up and sang a song to their mothers. I lost it. I sobbed and sobbed. It's just really painful that I don't have my baby and that she won't sing those songs for me when she is older. The words to the song they sang are as followed:

Mother, I love you; mother, I do.
Father in heaven has sent me to you.
When I am near you. I love to hear you
Singing so softly that you love me too.

It is such a sweet song, but so painful to hear in my situation. I can't wait for the day I have children of my own and for them to be able to sing me those songs.

I was a basket case the rest of the day and my emotions were on major edge- I just wanted to sleep- which is what I do when I'm down. And as I was getting ready to dose off, Nicole texted me and asked if I wanted to Face Time with Kinley. I about had a heart attack. I hadn't really talked to them in a few weeks and really wasn't expecting anything. It made my day just to see my pretty girl! She is so big and she is crawling all over the place. Her teeth are growing in and she is jabbering a lot. Something so simple as video chatting made my day so much better.

Happy Mother's Day to all you mothers. But especially Happy Mother's Day to all you birth mothers. I hope all my birth mom friends are handling today well and I am so grateful for my wonderful husband and all he does.

The Past 7 Months part 2

One small mistake on the last post- I had one more visit before Christmas! It was in the end of September! I went to Utah to meet my boyfriend's family and Nicole and Toby were happy to fit in a visit! We met at Temple Square again! They didn't want Grant, my boyfriend, to meet Kinley yet, just so that she wasn't being introduced to so many random guys. Totally understandable and I'm grateful that they are so protective of her! I got to temple square and I was so anxious to see them. I showed up way early because I was so excited. We met outside by the reflecting pool and when they lifted the cover of Kinley's car seat there she was...greeting me with the biggest. My heart melted. this was the first time I had ever seen her smile, other than pictures. Man I love that girl so much! We went inside the Joseph Smith Building and visited and played with Kinley.

I absolutely love this picture! Nicole and Toby always catch the great candid moments

This smile is what greeted me when I first saw her! Melts my heart!

Birth mama and birth daughter

her legs were so long and skinny! Kind of like a chicken! 

Another facial expression that melts my heart. A sleeping princess. 

Kinley 4 months old!

Kinley 5 months old

The next visit was on Dec. 23rd. This was the longest I had ever gone without seeing my peanut. that 3 months was the hardest 3 months ever! I missed Kinley so much and I wanted to hold her and touch her soft skin. Her adoption was final a week or so previous and The LDS church has a tradition where babies are blessed. Kind of like a dedication in other religions. Toby couldn't bless her until the adoption was final so they did this shortly after. A baby's blessing is a mile stone in the LDS religion and family usually comes to watch and support. Toby and Nicole invited me to come to it and they allowed Grant to come because we had gotten engaged a few months earlier. I was so excited. I got to be in the same place as the 2 people I loved the most in the world. My mom and sister, Jaala, came as well. We walked into the church and I B-lined it to Kinley and her family. I hadn't seen her in 3 months! Tears streamed down my face! She looked so beautiful in all white! I was over come with so much happiness and peace! Kinley was supposed to be with the C family.

Another reason this visit was so special was because Toby and Nicole's parents and siblings were there. I had never met their family before and it was so amazing to feel welcomed by their family. It gave me such peace of mind knowing the C family was comfortable enough to have me meet their extended family. I first met Toby's dad, who is also the bishop of their ward. He gave me the biggest hug and whispered in my ear 'Thank you for Kinley. Our family is so happy and complete'. Him and I started crying. I can't tell you how amazing that moment was. It really hit me that I didn't just complete the C family, but I gave their parents a grand daughter, their brothers and sisters a niece and their nieces and nephews a cousin. I preceded down the line and met Toby's mom, brothers, sisters, Nicole's mom and dad, who also gave me huge tight hugs and lots of gratitude, and then also I met Nicole's siblings. I couldn't tell you any of their names and nor could I ever recognize them in public if I ever was in their presence, but all I can say is that I loved all of them! I made sure I gave them a hug instead of a hand shake. I have to love them, they love my kin as their own, and for that, I love them dearly.  It was so fun to hold Kinley during the church meeting. Even though she slept most of the way through it, I loved having her in my arms. The blessing, that Toby gave her was beautiful. I thought I would be so sad that she no longer had my last name, but instead I felt so much peace. Her new last name fits her better than Gladden, I thought. Listening to his blessing to his and Nicole's daughter was nothing but happiness. I mean, it always tugs at my heart that I can't be Kinley's mom, but I couldn't have picked two better people to fill in my spot.

Can you see why I started bawling when I saw her? she had grown SO much in that 3 months!

I love those lips

My sister, Jaala, and baby K:)

My mom and Kinley

The C family and I

The new and improved C family

My two favorite ladies

Gahh that face!:)

After church, they invited us to come over to their parent's house. My mom and sister had to get back to Colorado, so just Grant and I went. We just went over and spent more time visiting and Grant and I spoiled her with Christmas presents. That weekend was probably the best Christmas present I could ever ask for. I had so much happiness. And I was so grateful Toby and Nicole were so open and welcoming us into their family and their private home!

She enjoyed the wrapping paper more than the actual presents

Birth mom and Birth daughter again

Favorite pic! 

Playing

she fell asleep

and woke up still happy

I love elephants so I got her a Dumbo stuffed animal when I went to Disneyland 

she insists on eating her feet!

I think she kind of looks like Yoda here hehe

My mom made Taylee some PJ pants and we got her a sister shirt!

This was a week before my visit at the court house getting all legal! AKA Kinley's 'Gotcha day'

this was a few days after our visit when Nicole and Toby went to the temple and Kinley was sealed to them  and they became an eternal family 

Nicole Face Timed me so I could watch Kinley eat baby food for the first time! It was so cool to be able to experience that with them!

Kinley 6 months old

Kinley's 6 month mile marker is significant because it is also my birthday! I love that we can share half birthdays:) It's crazy to think the next 6 month mile marker is her 1st birthday and my 20 1/2 birthday!

Kinley 7 months

So crazy that she can sit up!

The next time I saw them was just a couple weeks ago! I was in Utah because I went through the temple for the first time and like always, Nicole and Toby were willing to meet up with Grant and I at Temple Square. It was a short visit because we were on our way out of town and they were on their way to a super bowl get together. I didn't care though, as long as I got to hold my pretty girl! She had learned to scoot a week or so previous, so it was fun to have her army crawl to me! And of course, I loved having Grant there to share this happy time.

Love that girl so much!

I love that Grant can love her also:)

Lovers

One big happy family

 I have said time and time again how grateful I am for having such a great adoption! I am so grateful for the C family and their understanding of how much I love Kinley and how open they are for me to come see her as often! I am also so happy with how they are always a text or phone call away! Here are some other pictures I've received over the past little while!

I sent her a Valentines day care package with a bunny that I recorded my voice in. It said "Happy Valentines day pretty girl! I love and miss you so much" They sent me pics of her opening it

Future model

Big girl learned to crawl

In about a week she will be turning 8 months! Time flies so much! I love her so much and I cant wait till I get to see her again! Which will probably be in April:)