Others Can Change Too

First off- long time no see! It's been almost a whole year since I have blogged. Life has a way of getting busy and adoption seems to be on the back burner lately.

This blog post has been weighing on my mind for quite some time now; and I finally have a few extra minutes, while watching Home Alone (for the 4th time this month), to sit down and type it all out. 

I think it hit me when I was sitting in Sacrament Meeting about a year or more ago and there was a talk about the celestial kingdom and how Heavenly Father wants all of us there. The speaker expressed their want and desire for every person in the world to know of the gospel and make it into the Celestial Kingdom all together. I got to thinking and asked myself, "What if J joined the church? What if he was a part of our ward and showed up every Sunday? What would I do?" My initial reaction was to turn my nose up and refuse to believe he would/could ever do that. But then I thought a little harder and had a wave of compassion. If I could change, why can't others? I've done some pretty bad things in my life, but here I am a changed person. I like to think of myself as a good person, striving to make it to the Celestial Kingdom.

Other's can change too. I think that was the moment I got off my high horse and realized that anyone, even the guy who let me down in so many ways, can change. Over the past 3 1/2 years I've always held some sort of anger towards him. While I can always portray him as a forever scum bag in my head, all that will do is cause unnecessary anger inside me. I feel like I've entered a whole new level of acceptance and forgiveness. A few years ago, I made a new years resolution to work on forgiving Kinley's birth father. Little did I know, this would be a multi-year "project." I have been working on remembering J is a fellow child of God. I don't have any lines of communication to him(nor do I care to), so I don't know what is going on in his life, but I will continue to assume he is working on himself. Because if by some crazy coinkydink he were to show up one sunday to hear the gospel, I'd have to get over work through what happened and accept him as a changed man. Will I ever be his friend? no. But, I also won't hold a grudge and think I'm better than him either. 

I'm not even sure what I'm saying makes sense. I wanted to get these thoughts down before I forgot them and also so they stop circulating my brain every morning as I'm getting ready for the day. I'm learning that I'm not the only one who can change and become a better person. Others can too. For Kinley's sake, I hope and pray that when she is older and more mature to understand, she can look at both J and I and be proud of where her roots are from. 

Walking the Talk

As most know, one of the biggest struggles in "birth motherhood", for me, has been birth dad issues. They have also been one of my top goals for overcoming. I have been working very very hard to jump these hurdles. I feel I have come a long way. I can't say I have zero anger, but it's very minuscule to what it was before.

Ever since my own daughter, Allie, was born, her relationship with her dad (my husband) has been very important to me. It's important for her to know him and have a relationship with him. It has gotten me to thinking about Kinley and the lack of a relationship she has with J. It makes me sad for her. I want her to at least know what he looks like and what his childhood was like. 

I sometimes feel guilty that maybe I haven't been doing my part in letting J have a part in this adoption. I know that's not true, but it's just how I feel sometimes. J refused to be a part of the adoption early on, so I have just gotten used to him not being apart of things. I haven't been intentionally keeping him out or refusing him anything. I really just haven't heard from him in a good 2 years. 

A few months ago, I told myself that if he ever came asking about her, I would be of help in sending a picture and a little update about her. That wouldn't hurt anyone. He deserves at least a picture. More importantly, Kinley has every right to know at least a little bit about where her other half of genes come from. I know that there will most likely come a time in Kinley's life when she will question  things and feel a need to discover her biological identity. And I don't want to stand in the way of that. 

Well, life has a way of making sure you keep your word and making sure you don't just talk the talk, but walk the walk. Around Christmas time, I received an email from him with a "how are you? Can I see a picture of Kinley?" I gave it a few days to roll around in my brain before I replied with something I didn't mean. My mom suggested I talk to Toby and Nicole before sending anything, since they ARE her parents and they have the ultimate say in everything. They agreed to me sending him a recent picture in exchange for a recent picture of J and a little biography about him so that Kinley can know about him. It's been a few weeks with no reply, but I feel peace and comfort knowing I have done my part in helping both J and Kinley out. 

Will there become a relationship that comes out of it right away? Probably not. But there is at least a small passage way formed for Kinley. I don't and will never know the emotions and struggles Kinley will have as she gets older, and I hope by opening this door, it may help ease them.

It was hard to put my own issues aside and put Kinley's best interest first, but sometimes growth and maturity need a little bit of pain to make progress. And for that, I am proud of myself.

Could I Have Done More?

I often find myself looking back at my life and wonder "Could I have done more?" I wonder if I could have saved enough money and been able to parent my girl, maybe I could have tried just a little bit harder and figured out how to raise her on my own. I've found I think these things when I see the birth dad in public or his family. Would they have helped me? Would I have found a better job and worked my tail off to provide for her? I wonder if I decided to parent, would I still get married to my wonderful husband? If so- we definitely could raise her. I wonder sometimes if I really did all I could. I see teen moms all the time come in to Old Navy (where I work) with their babies- and I sometimes I have an ounce of jealousy because I wish I could be in their shoes parenting Kinley. I could be sitting here playing toys with her instead of writing on a blog. I could be waking up early every morning to feed and clothe my princess instead of waking up and feeding my puppy. I could sing songs and read stories to my peanut every night instead of wondering what she is doing. I could be taking my pretty girl in public and getting oos and awe's from strangers, but instead, no one knows I have such a beautiful daughter. I could go to the pool with my stretch marks showing and people would understand because I have my baby with me, but instead, people are confused and wonder why my body is so "torn apart". Could I have handled being a single mom? Could I have been the mom I know I can be? 

All of these questions have been circulating my mind the past couple days. Mostly because I have seen birth dad twice in a row in public and have had border line anxiety attacks because I never quite know how to act or what to feel.  All I have done is sat and stewed over these questions and fantasies of being with Kinley. I hate that just one person can make me feel like crap. I hate that there isn't 100% closure and I hate that I feel trapped and insecure. I've gone through scenarios in my head if I ever bumped into him but when it's the real deal- I panic. 

I've also learned that wondering and playing the "what if" game gets me no where and I actually feel worse after thinking those things. Being a birth mom is hard work. I have to learn to not think things, learn to live without my pride and joy,and lots more other things! 

After typing all of this out- I've realized that maybe...just MAYBE I could have accomplished all those things above- but raising a child can't be all about "maybe's" I gave her the life she needed and a "For Sure" life. She for sure will be provided for. She for sure will have a stable home. She for sure will have a mom AND a dad. 

Thanks for reading my thoughts and have a wonderful day!

Why Now?

I'm usually very positive in my posts, but I've been pretty frustrated and stressed the past little while. So if you don't want to hear me rant a bit- then you should just close the window right now. I've said before that birth moms have such crazy emotions that are up and down and they come very sudden and at random times. Sometimes you will be having a great day and out of nowhere, sad and lonely feelings sneak up from behind and hit you in the face! Anyways- I've been having those kinds of 'sneak attacks' lately.

About a month ago I received the most shocking and quite scary phone call. From who you may ask birth dad. *gasp* yeah I know my jaw dropped to the floor too. I panicked. My heart was beating out of my chest and my mouth got so dry. Not because of excitement, but out of pure fear! Let me remind you, I hadn't heard a single word from this person in over a year! The last words spoken to me were 'don't ever talk to me again. I don't care about you or that baby'. When I saw his name on my phone I about died. I pushed the ignore button because I didn't know what the heck to do.

I waited a few minutes before I called him back. I had to prepare myself for what he had to say. I was hoping he butt dialed me or something. What could he possibly need to talk about after a year? I had been so mad and wanted him to call or show some interest in Kinley, and now that that was possibly happening, I panicked. Do you blame me though?

I called back and he told me that he wanted to meet Kinley. He didn't know her name until I told him. He didn't know really anything about her. He had never seen a picture of her, didn't know who she was, nothing. It was so strange that I was talking to him. The result of the conversation was that I'd give his email to Toby and Nicole and they could handle everything. I don't want to be the middle man for the rest of Kinley's life and also, Toby and Nicole are her parents and they are the ones who have all the say that goes on. I told him that I wanted to be there if he was ever allowed to meet her, and he agreed. I emailed him a few pictures of Kinley so that he knew what she looked like. He kind of apologized for what had happened between us and asked if we could just forget about the past and move on. And let me tell you how angry this made me. Do you all remember the long post I made a few months ago about how much anger and hatred I had for him and his fiancé? This situation isn't something we can just 'put in the past' or 'forget about'. Maybe if we just had a bad break up or something, but this is all about A PERSON! MY baby! Abandoning me, ignoring, and not caring about  a child is much bigger than a break up or something like that. It made me so angry that he could just think I could drop all hard feelings. If he called me a few months earlier I would have never given him the time of day and told him he missed all his chances, which he really did in all reality. He was so mean to me and refused to make an adoption plan with the case worker. He flat out refused to come see Kinley in the hospital. I told him I was working on the forgiving part and I was working on moving on.

So this brings me to why the heck I'm blogging about this. I would think him wanting to all of a sudden be involved would patch up so much of the heartache, but it has done everything but that. I've felt so jealous, angry, sad, and I have found myself looking back and playing the what-if game. I don't think birth dad realizes that if he would have come around way earlier, I could be holding my pretty girl in my arms. I could be her mom. I never would have placed her and my life would be so much different. If he wanted to be involved, I wouldn't stay awake at night crying because I miss my baby.

This brings me to my next question- Why now? Why after so long did you decide to be involved? Why all of a sudden is Kinley important to you? Why did you run away? Why did you deny her? Why couldn't you have been a man and stepped up? Why wasn't Kinley that important to you before?

These questions have been circulating through my mind so much! It makes me so mad and sad that if he would have been there a year earlier, things would have been so different. I feel like he doesn't understand everything that goes into adoption. He has no bond with Kinley other than donating sperm. He was never there to feel her kick, he was never there to see her ultrasounds, her heart beat. He never even met her! He refused! and he CHOSE that! I gave him so much opportunity and so many chances and he declined every one of them. He doesn't know the hurt that went into placing her. He doesn't understand it one bit. He wasn't there, he doesn't know what it feels like to have your heart ripped out of your heart or what is like to see your most prized possession go home with someone else. He doesn't know what it is like to feel so empty and a part of your heart missing forever.

And he thinks I can just forget about it and move on?

Ever since that phone call, so many emotions I've buried and tried to hide came out and it feels nice to write them down.

I know that everything in this adoption has worked out 100% how it was supposed to and I know that it was truly meant to be, but there is always that what-if in the back ground. I don't regret placing Kinley, I wouldn't change it at all, but still. I always think of all these questions and scenarios of if she were with me, and they all end up better if she was placed.

If I parented, who knows when birth dad would come around? I would have the struggle of a single young mom, her dad would be in and out of her life, shortly after Kinley was born, birth dad went to jail for domestic violence...it sickens me to think Kinley could have been in the middle of that. Kinley wouldn't be able to be sealed to me and Grant in the temple, she probably wouldn't be taught about Heavenly Father and Jesus at her dad's house and she would be bounced around houses. Especially hearing Toby and Nicole's story and how adoption had blessed their lives, and how happy they are with her, I wouldn't change that. I just don't want to come across as regretting my decision because I don't and like I said, I'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. I'm just saying I still wonder...which I need to stop doing because it does no good.

I've said time and time again that all of this has been for Kinley. And it 100% has been. If it were up to me, I never would have answered that phone call. I would have ignored it and he would have been out of luck. I never would have sent him pictures, given him the time of day or even given Toby and Nicole his email. I could have just ignored everything. But because this adoption wasn't about me, I went out of my comfort zone and did this. For who? Kinley Lyn. She deserves to know her roots. She deserves to know where she gets her olive skin and beautiful dark eyes. I don't want her to grow up and wonder about her birth dad and why he never cared. I feel by giving Toby and Nicole his contact info. I did my part. I love Kinley so much that I'm setting my issues aside and giving her a resource to fall back on later and so she doesn't have to wonder. It's going to be hard to know birth dad potentially has a relationship with her, but it's what my princess deserves right?

Sorry for the negative post, but I feel like raw emotions are key in telling the world about birth mothers and the struggles they face post placement. Its not just a happily ever after, it's a life-long struggle we fight after we leave the hospital. It's tough, but as long as my Pooky has the best life ever, I would do it a million times and I will fight for her happiness.

On a happier note, Kinley is  8 months old today!

Ringing in the New Year

Happy new year everybody!! It's a very common tradition for us to make New Years resolutions at the start of each year. Usually we pick something and stick with it for a few weeks or months and then slowly slip out of habit and forget about that resolution.

I am no exception to this common act! In fact- the past 3 or so years I've refused to make a New Years resolution because I know myself all too well and I never stick to my goal anyways so why make one?

Well this year I am challenging myself to a New Years resolution that I have been trying to do since the summer when Kinley was born. And with the hype of everyone being goal oriented, I decided to jump on the band wagon and go all out to overcome this obstacle! You're probably wondering what this resolution has to do with my adoption journey and why I'm blogging about it- but it has a lot to do with my adoption and I have also found if you tell lots of people about your goals or thoughts, they will support you and hold you accountable to accomplishing it:)

Alright- so the New Years resolution (drum role please)... This year my goal is to overcome anger I have towards Kinley's birthfather and his fiancé and to forgive her birthfather for all the hurt I have felt! Ok this might sound so stupid and you're probably thinking 'why didn't she do that before?' Well it's not as easy as it seems and to be honest, I have been trying for the past year!

So I have been reading and talking with other people about how to overcome anger to someone and they have all said to write a letter but don't send it or talk to them in person and straiten things out. To be honest- writing a letter is a good idea but knowing that the letter will never reach them won't be effective for me. And sitting down face to face would not solve anything because it would end up being a cat fight or something. So I have resorted to writing on my blog. It's like writing a letter- it won't be sent to them directly but it's out in the open and in my mind- they have 100% access to it so its as good as sending it. And plus it gets rid of the face to face cat fight because if they want to feel angry, I won't know about it.

So here it goes...

Dear birth dad-
It all started when I found out I was pregnant with Kinley. We were scared to death and didn't know what to do. I felt hurt when you didn't seem motivated to find a better job. I felt hurt when you would rather go hang out with friends instead of help sort out our situation. I was starting to get cold feet in our relationship because you didn't seem on board. When we broke up I didn't even know we broke up until I logged onto Facebook and it said we were single. You used our break up as fuel to make me look like the bad guy. You told everyone I treated you bad and that I expected too much from you. I felt so hurt by this because I was pregnant with your child and I couldn't tell anyone yet because it was too soon. I was made out to look like this heartless person who just broke up with you because I was too stuck up and needy. When in reality there was a whole other element to the situation (an unborn child).

I felt hurt when you were worried about partying and drinking instead of showing support to your child. I was hurt when you denied our baby to your friends. I was hurt when we were planning on keeping the baby and you wanted to sign your rights away and have nothing to do with it. I was hurt you lied to everyone and made me look like an idiot.

When the news of me being pregnant was public you denied being the dad. You lied and said I never told you about her until I was 5 months along when you were there when I took the test. I was hurt when you took me to lunch and told me you wanted to help me pick out adoptive couples and help me anyway you could and the next day you told me never to talk to you. I was hurt when you told me you loved me still and the next day found out you got back together with your ex and were engaged.

I was hurt when you told your parents you weren't the father and I cheated on you and I was making up lies. I was hurt when I asked you to be at the hospital after she was born and you ignored my text. I was hurt that you didn't call, text, anything when she was born. I was hurt when the case worker told me you didn't want to make an adoption plan with Kinley.

Dear birthdad's fiancé
It all started 2 days before Kinley was born. I had asked you to stop requesting me on various social media sites. You lashed back with hateful comments and mean words. I was hurt when you called me a slut. I was hurt when you told me birth dad wanted nothing to do with me or my child. I was hurt when you called me stuck up for being rude in high school. I was hurt when you told me I cheated on birth dad and I'm pathetic because I was pinning a baby on birth dad. I was hurt when you bad mouthed my religion that I love so dearly. I was especially hurt when you said I was a bad Mormon for becoming pregnant. I was mostly hurt because you are a fellow birthmother. You know what it is like to place your child and all the hurt and pain that comes with it. You know how difficult the last parts of pregnancy are anticipating the placement. You especially know what it is like to do it alone because you had to also. When all the placement was over I felt attacked when you started prying into Kinley's new parents lives via social media. I was protective of the fact you were getting in the middle of my situation. I was annoyed that you started copying my ideas of adoption advocacy. I felt threatened that it seemed like you were stealing my adoption support system. I felt threatened when you tried to be in Kinley's life and send her packages and gifts. I feel that isn't your place and you need to focus on your own birth son.



I didn't write this to point fingers or blame anyone or start more drama with these two. I just needed to get it all off of my chest. I have come to terms with all of the stated above. I have already formed my life around the fact that birth dad is non existent. I have excepted that fact and it is what it is. I have also excepted the fact that his fiancé was rude to me. Probably the the meanest anyone has ever been to me in my life- but what was done is done.

I am a true believer that people change. I have changed so much myself. It happens and I'll be first to admit others can too. These two people may have changed as people quite a bit since 6 months ago and that is fine. It's awesome actually. If they have- I have no idea. I don't have access in their lives nor do I ever plan to. The fact of the matter is the kind of people I have been left with the impression of is not so great. I have built up so much anger and bitter feelings it makes me feel so icky inside.

I hate hating people. It breaks you down inside and you find yourself stressing over people and creating more anger and all you do with your time is think about how much you hate them and all the mean things you want to say and do to them. It has made me so bitter sometimes and I hate wasting my thoughts about it. I have worked so hard and have come to peace with my adoption decisions and have been starting to see the light at the end of this dark tunnel. It seems like all areas of this journey have come to peace except the topic of the birth dad.

If Jesus can forgive the people who put him on the cross, I think I can forgive the people that have hurt me. I have read several quotes about forgiveness and a lot of them talk about when you forgive someone you realize you were the prisoner the whole time. It's so true. I don't enjoy holding this grudge and I'm so ready to drop it. I want to hear their names and wish them well instead of wish them dead. I want to see them in public and not get heated. I want to see them in public and feel nothing more or less than what I felt seeing other strangers.

Birth dad and I will always be connected with the fact that we made Kinley but I want that to be the only thing. No anger or hatred connected. No love or relationship either. I don't expect a friendship out of this...just acquaintances. I want the peace of mind knowing I don't hate anyone. I want to live worry free(don't we all?)

So that's my New Years resolution. It's quite complicated but I'm determined to work hard at it. I don't have a dead line as to when I want to accomplish it- I just have the desire to work on it. If it takes a few months, great but if it takes more than a year, then it takes more than a year.

I've accomplished so much in my life and have worked hard to be in the great spot that I am at and I feel this is the last step in my healing process! Wish me luck:)