Could I Have Done More?

I often find myself looking back at my life and wonder "Could I have done more?" I wonder if I could have saved enough money and been able to parent my girl, maybe I could have tried just a little bit harder and figured out how to raise her on my own. I've found I think these things when I see the birth dad in public or his family. Would they have helped me? Would I have found a better job and worked my tail off to provide for her? I wonder if I decided to parent, would I still get married to my wonderful husband? If so- we definitely could raise her. I wonder sometimes if I really did all I could. I see teen moms all the time come in to Old Navy (where I work) with their babies- and I sometimes I have an ounce of jealousy because I wish I could be in their shoes parenting Kinley. I could be sitting here playing toys with her instead of writing on a blog. I could be waking up early every morning to feed and clothe my princess instead of waking up and feeding my puppy. I could sing songs and read stories to my peanut every night instead of wondering what she is doing. I could be taking my pretty girl in public and getting oos and awe's from strangers, but instead, no one knows I have such a beautiful daughter. I could go to the pool with my stretch marks showing and people would understand because I have my baby with me, but instead, people are confused and wonder why my body is so "torn apart". Could I have handled being a single mom? Could I have been the mom I know I can be? 

All of these questions have been circulating my mind the past couple days. Mostly because I have seen birth dad twice in a row in public and have had border line anxiety attacks because I never quite know how to act or what to feel.  All I have done is sat and stewed over these questions and fantasies of being with Kinley. I hate that just one person can make me feel like crap. I hate that there isn't 100% closure and I hate that I feel trapped and insecure. I've gone through scenarios in my head if I ever bumped into him but when it's the real deal- I panic. 

I've also learned that wondering and playing the "what if" game gets me no where and I actually feel worse after thinking those things. Being a birth mom is hard work. I have to learn to not think things, learn to live without my pride and joy,and lots more other things! 

After typing all of this out- I've realized that maybe...just MAYBE I could have accomplished all those things above- but raising a child can't be all about "maybe's" I gave her the life she needed and a "For Sure" life. She for sure will be provided for. She for sure will have a stable home. She for sure will have a mom AND a dad. 

Thanks for reading my thoughts and have a wonderful day!

Fears

Everyone has at least one fear. Whether it be heights, spiders, the dark, or the boogy man. Before I placed Kinley for adoption I had these fears also. The dark and heights being a few. After placement though- I have developed a few more that are bit bigger than the lack of light or looking over ledges. I always thought I was being silly, but the more I have expressed publicly, I have found lots of other birthmothers have the same fears.

1. Not being able to be a mom
I have heard stories of women giving birth normally with no complications and then having something go wrong after delivery and they can no longer have children or women who's bodies just don't want to have babies again. I always fear that my body will only be able to have one child and that was Kinley, who I'm not parenting. I've also feared that I would marry a man that is sterile. It's close to impossible that these things would happen, but it's always in the back of my mind.

2. Kinley feeling unwanted
I've been learning a lot about the different sides of adoption and I have come across a few angry adoptees. They express how they feel unwanted and confused about their adoption and don't know why their birthmothers 'gave them up'. There's also anger involved when expressing their feelings and they just can't understand why they were placed with their adopted family. I sometimes fear Kinley will feel this way when she is older. I fear that she will be bitter towards me and feel alone and never be able to forgive me or understand my reasonings for adoption.

Toby and Nicole are amazing people and they are doing a wonderful job at raising my princess. I know that they will tell Kinley everything and be open to her about this whole journey and I know that they will do everything in their power to provide Kinley with enough love that she won't ever have to feel lonely or unwanted. This is one of the biggest reasons for my blog- to write down my feelings so that Kinley will be able to come and read what is going through my mind and know that placing her was everything but abandonment and not wanting her. I make it a priority to send her at least a letter often to update her on my life and to express my love to her. My door will always be open for her. I can't wait for her to become older and be able to ask me questions and things.

3. Finding someone who will accept me and my decisions
This fear has been booted out because I have found an amazing man who supports and accepts my past. But before I met him, I feared I would find an amazing guy and build a great relationship with him and then tell him about Kinley and have him back out of the relationship or judge me harshly. It's pretty big news to tell someone you had a baby and placed her. It brings 'having baggage' to a whole new level. There are lots of emotional ups and downs they have to be patient with and lots of sympathy and understanding that comes right along with it. I also feared that I would tell a guy about Kinley and they wouldn't be supportive of the open adoption. I was scared they would think it was weird to have visits and contact with this baby that wasn't even theirs.

I have been so blessed to have found a guy who is so open minded and understanding towards my decisions with Kinley. Grant was a friend throughout my pregnancy and he was a friend after. He has made room in his heart not only for me, but for sweet Kinley. He is so willing and excited to come to visits with me. He gets a huge smile when I receive pictures of her, and he is most of all so patient with my emotional side with the adoption. He wasn't there for the placement, but he has done all he can to try and understand the adoption. He doesn't know 100% what I go through and feel, but he is always there to wipe my tears and just hold me when it has been a rough day. I was so so scared I would always be alone and that no one would be kind-hearted enough to step up and take care of me, but I was proven wrong(thanks babe).


These have been my biggest worries and I have come to realize that a lot of other birth moms have the same fears. I'm not saying that all birthmothers have all these same exact fears, I'm just saying that it is so interesting that through one similar life-changing experience (placement)  birth mothers can relate so well to one another.