Adoption is about choice, not coercion

I have a confession. I watch 16 and Pregnant and all the Teen Mom shows. It's so lame, I know, but I like to learn about teen pregnancy and I have a small obsession with reality TV. Anyways, I have been watching the earlier episodes of 16 and pregnant and in the first season, there is the famous episode of Caitlyn & Tyler who chose adoption for their daughter, Carly. Everyone knows them as the big adoptive advocates and also cast members of Teen Mom. I never realized there was also another girl who chose adoption in the 2nd season. I think it is awesome that MTV is willing to show girls who choose to place . I personally would not want cameras in my face during my painfully emotional journey, but I think it is awesome that there are girls who are willing to show the world in depth what their experience was like.

The reason I am sharing this episode and my opinion is because I was truly upset and I felt so bad for this girl. I thought she was treated unfairly by her parents and I feel like she didnt have a fair chance in her decision to place. Let me give you a little background.

Lori was 17 years old and she attended an all girls Catholic high school. She was adopted when she was a newborn and she does not know her birth mom.  Lori became pregnant at 17 by her ex boyfriend, Cory. Lori's parents did not take this news well (what parent would?) they were greatly disappointed and they really wanted Lori to place her son for adoption. Lori and Cory didn't want to place because they were too attached to the baby and couldn't imagine placing him. *I want to add that all of these feelings Lori and Cory are having, I feel, are completely ok and normal. I too had/have lots of attachment to Kinley* Throughout the whole episode, Lori's mom would always add her 2 cents in about adoption and how she needs to choose it because they are not ready to be parents *Valid point* Lori and Cory were broken up and had no plans on getting back together but they felt they were ready to take on the challenge of being parents. Lori's friends wanted to throw her a baby shower and Lori's mom said noway. Her mom said that no one should be excited about her baby because of the way he was being brought into this world (Unmarried, teenagers, etc...) *I was so offended by this. Just because a baby was not conceived or born into an "ideal" family does NOT mean the baby should not be unwelcome. Any and all babies are precious gifts. Even if the baby was parented by drug addicts living in a cardboard box.. All babies should feel welcomed and no woman should feel shamed for their mistakes or decisions. especially by her mother!* Lori was so torn between parenting and adoption because she truly wanted to parent and her parents disapproved. It was getting down to the last months of Lori's pregnancy and she hadn't made an official decision. Her parents kept lecturing Lori about how she needed to be honest with them about what she really wanted. Lori always reassured them that she honestly didn't know what she wanted to do. *In my own experience, I had times when I wasn't sure if adoption was right. I felt a little indecisive at times. I felt for Lori in this way because she WAS being honest with her parents, she just wasn't giving them the answer they wanted to hear.* Cory decided he felt it was best to go through with adoption and Lori felt blindsided because he wasn't on her side. They met with a couple and they seemed to be just right and then a few weeks later- the adoptive couple backed out because they didn't feel it was enough time to start the adoptive process. Lori and Cory felt hurt *I would* and they were questioning their decisions. At this time, they had about 2 weeks until "D- day" and they were kicked back to square one. Cory decided he wanted to parent again and Lori felt stuck because her parents were pressuring her. She ended up picking a couple and when the baby was born, she spent her hospital stay with her son and placed him with his new family.

I felt connected with Lori through out the whole episode, in that we are both birth moms. I however, did NOT agree with her parent's roll in her decision. I know that she was only 17, but I still feel adoption has to be the birthmother's 100% decision. Adoption is a permanent thing and for her to regret her decision is something she would effect for the rest of her life. That is something no girl should have in her life. From watching this episode I wish I could reach out to Lori. I feel she was not given all the appropriate resources she needed to choose adoption and get ready for it. Her mom set a meeting up with another birth mom who had a positive experience, which is a great resource, but I feel like Lori needed to see an adoption counselor and do some research. It seemed like her mom was over bearing and controlling. When Lori was at a doctor's appointment, her doctor told her it wouldn't be a good idea to be with the baby after he was born because it would be too emotionally painful. I was so livid when I heard this. That doctor is an OBGYN NOT a therapist. That doctor doesn't know anything about emotions of a birth mom. I was screaming at the show saying "DON'T LISTEN TO HER!!" all birth moms need to have 100% control over their hospital plan. I was grateful she ended up being with the baby for a few days because I truly feel she would regret those bonding moments. The whole episode was aggravating because Lori never really had the chance to decide for herself. It seemed her mom made all the decisions and her mom wanted Lori to place because of her own personal reputation. Her mom expressed how embarrassed and shameful it felt to have a teen mom for a daughter. What an awful thing to say. I would feel so sad if my parents ever said that to me. At the very end of the episode, it shows Lori and her parents having a conversation post-placement. Her mom said "Aren't you glad all these fears are all gone now?" Oh my, how livid I was after hearing this. ALL FEARS BEHIND? I think her mom is a complete moron. She clearly does not know all the fears and struggles that COME because of placement (see previous blog post). It's not just rainbows and butterflies after placement. It is more like hell. After her mom said that, I am truly convinced she wanted Lori to choose adoption so that she could forget about it like it never happened, which is an absurd way to look at it.

I truly hope that Lori was able to come to peace with her placement and I really hope that she had some kind of say in her situation. I am a big adoption advocate, but not in the event of coercion. Even if Lori was 17 years old, her baby is 100% hers and not her mother's and she shouldn't feel forced to do things her mother's way; Especially when it comes to adoption, when it permanent. I so wish I could give her a little insight on adoption and a huge hug for that matter.

I know that reality TV shows don't show what really goes on 100%, so all my opinions are based on what was televised, but the way MTV portrayed her story, I was totally upset. All birth moms need time to research adoption and feel confident about their choice and also get ready for the "hand over". It's the hardest thing a woman will ever do and something that can't just be chosen because her mom or dad said she needs to. It's a HUGE life decision that effects EVERY aspect of her life forever. That's why I created the quote- "Adoption is about choice, not coercion" I included the link to the episode below, if you are interested in watching it!

16 and Pregnant (Season 2) | Ep. 5 | Lori: Lori's parents want her to choose adoption, but as someone who was adopted herself, Lori doesn't want her baby to be haunted by all that's haunted her. But with an unreliable ex-boyfriend, she eventually realizes it may be the only option.

Fears

Everyone has at least one fear. Whether it be heights, spiders, the dark, or the boogy man. Before I placed Kinley for adoption I had these fears also. The dark and heights being a few. After placement though- I have developed a few more that are bit bigger than the lack of light or looking over ledges. I always thought I was being silly, but the more I have expressed publicly, I have found lots of other birthmothers have the same fears.

1. Not being able to be a mom
I have heard stories of women giving birth normally with no complications and then having something go wrong after delivery and they can no longer have children or women who's bodies just don't want to have babies again. I always fear that my body will only be able to have one child and that was Kinley, who I'm not parenting. I've also feared that I would marry a man that is sterile. It's close to impossible that these things would happen, but it's always in the back of my mind.

2. Kinley feeling unwanted
I've been learning a lot about the different sides of adoption and I have come across a few angry adoptees. They express how they feel unwanted and confused about their adoption and don't know why their birthmothers 'gave them up'. There's also anger involved when expressing their feelings and they just can't understand why they were placed with their adopted family. I sometimes fear Kinley will feel this way when she is older. I fear that she will be bitter towards me and feel alone and never be able to forgive me or understand my reasonings for adoption.

Toby and Nicole are amazing people and they are doing a wonderful job at raising my princess. I know that they will tell Kinley everything and be open to her about this whole journey and I know that they will do everything in their power to provide Kinley with enough love that she won't ever have to feel lonely or unwanted. This is one of the biggest reasons for my blog- to write down my feelings so that Kinley will be able to come and read what is going through my mind and know that placing her was everything but abandonment and not wanting her. I make it a priority to send her at least a letter often to update her on my life and to express my love to her. My door will always be open for her. I can't wait for her to become older and be able to ask me questions and things.

3. Finding someone who will accept me and my decisions
This fear has been booted out because I have found an amazing man who supports and accepts my past. But before I met him, I feared I would find an amazing guy and build a great relationship with him and then tell him about Kinley and have him back out of the relationship or judge me harshly. It's pretty big news to tell someone you had a baby and placed her. It brings 'having baggage' to a whole new level. There are lots of emotional ups and downs they have to be patient with and lots of sympathy and understanding that comes right along with it. I also feared that I would tell a guy about Kinley and they wouldn't be supportive of the open adoption. I was scared they would think it was weird to have visits and contact with this baby that wasn't even theirs.

I have been so blessed to have found a guy who is so open minded and understanding towards my decisions with Kinley. Grant was a friend throughout my pregnancy and he was a friend after. He has made room in his heart not only for me, but for sweet Kinley. He is so willing and excited to come to visits with me. He gets a huge smile when I receive pictures of her, and he is most of all so patient with my emotional side with the adoption. He wasn't there for the placement, but he has done all he can to try and understand the adoption. He doesn't know 100% what I go through and feel, but he is always there to wipe my tears and just hold me when it has been a rough day. I was so so scared I would always be alone and that no one would be kind-hearted enough to step up and take care of me, but I was proven wrong(thanks babe).


These have been my biggest worries and I have come to realize that a lot of other birth moms have the same fears. I'm not saying that all birthmothers have all these same exact fears, I'm just saying that it is so interesting that through one similar life-changing experience (placement)  birth mothers can relate so well to one another.